Thursday, June 7, 2012

It's been awhile...

It has been way too long since I have written a post for my baby boy. There have been so many times that I wanted to come on and just write, but I either couldn't find the right words or something else would come up and I would just tell myself I would do it later. Well here I am 17 months later writing again. Not because I found the time, but because I need to write again. I need to write in honor of my baby boy.

Unfortunately, my family has suffered another loss. Just 5 days ago my niece, Taylor, welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. He only stayed here for a little over 3 hours before returning back to Heaven. I am just heartbroken for her. I know all the many trials she is going to face for the rest of her life. She is just so young to have to go through this kind of heartache. I partially blame myself for not being a bigger advocate for her. She had many pregnancy related health issues and I wish I would have pushed harder for her to seek different medical treatment. I wish I would have pushed harder for her to have delivered at a different hospital better equipped for high risk pregnancies. I wish I would have stepped in and demanded more, but I didn't and for that I blame myself.

Once Tate was pronounced dead my baby loss instincts took over and I began making arrangements for Tay to make every memory possible with Tate before she had to say her final goodbye. It was easy for me to take that step back and play that roll. I was able to keep my emotions in control because I had a job to do. I called NILMDTS and arranged pictures. I helped do hand/foot molds. I did hand and feet prints. I wrapped Tate up and tried to explain things to his mommy. I took pictures and answered questions. I made food arrangements and played the "bouncer." I just kept myself busy! It was easier to stay busy than to let the emotions take over. I was able to do it right up until I had to come home.

Tonight, however is different. I am home unable to sleep and all those emotions from when I lost my baby boy have crept in. I know people will say I can't allow Taylor's loss to become my loss. How can I not? My family and especially Taylor and I are very close. We had so many plans made for when Tate was here. He was going to be "my" boy just like my Mitch is Tay's boy. I just hurt so bad because I understand what Tay is going to go through. I know all the heartache she is experiencing. Tate's death has brought back so much from Juanito's death. Well and even more. I now have even more regrets from Juanito's death. I helped Taylor do things that I wish I would have done with my son. I feel like I am living in Hell right now. I just hope I am able to work through it all quicker this time.

Wishing things could be different. I love you and miss you baby boy. Give Tate a tight squeeze and let him know how much he is loved!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

13 months

Happy 13 months in Heaven sweet baby boy!!! Mommy misses you just as much today as she did 13 months ago. I would do almost anything just to have you and hold you 1 more time! You are such a special little man and I know you are doing so many good things up there in Heaven. I honestly can't wait till the day I get to hold you and see you again. It will be such an amazing day. Give you baby sister big hugs and kisses for me and make sure you do something very special for you 13 month birthday!!!

Luv you buddy!!!


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Computer crashed.... Feeling like I lost him!

So a few days ago my work computer crashed. I didn't realize how much I used the dang thing. I called tech. support and they came and picked it up. They are so back logged that it is taking them 2-3 months to repair them and get them back. I was so freaked because I didn't know how I was going to prepare for my upcoming maternity leave. That was the only thing on my mind. Then the tech showed up today with it in hand! I was over the moon. She said she told the repair guy about my situation and he repaired it on the spot!

Then reality hit me.... I LOST EVERYTHING!!! I am still praying that they will be able to recover it. I don't care how long it takes. I had 100's of pictures on that hard drive! The majority I am positive I have back ups of, but there were many of Juanito's name and different pictures that had been made for me that I am not sure if I have a back up of. I feel as if a part of him was lost all over again. Part of his stuff might be lost. Oh I pray that the tech will be able to recover HIS file! I don't care if I have to start from scratch on everything else. I need HIS file to be there and be safe. I need for them to be able recover HIM. I need what I have left of HIM safe!!! I will never make the mistake of not double and triple backing up again. If they can recover my pictures I will make sure to email them and hard copy them!


Saturday, January 22, 2011

Struggling today!

Today is Adriana's 9th birthday and I want so badly to give her everything her little heart desires. One thing I have learned from losing Juanito is that we can't take anything granted in life and we need to seize every moment. Unfortunately, I have been really sick this week and on IV antibiotics. My ear infections have returned with a vengeance. It is all I can do to take her to see a movie today and buy a cake to cut when her dad gets home from work. I feel so guilty that I can't be the mom I feel like I should be because of my health. Every time I turn around I am sick or feel so horrible that I can't do whatever it is the kids are asking me to do. To top it all off I miss my baby boy today and I know that I will never have opportunities like today to have with him. He will never get to go watch a movie with his brothers and sisters and I. I will never get to watch him blow out the candles or open presents.

A few hours later.....
This day has certainly been a roller coaster of a day and it's not even half way over! I went for a ride and had a good cry. It certainly has helped! I now need to suck it up for a few hours and enjoy some birthday fun with my 9 year old princess!!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

For my winners....

I have come down with a horrible ear infection and I am on IV antibiotics. It is going to be a few more days before I can get your Juanito's Wish gifts dropped in the mail. I am so sorry I haven't been able to get them out quicker. Life is so hectic!!! Thank you for your patience!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

More Giveaways!!!

Jenna's mom Fran is hold a birthday week full of giveaways!!! Go check her out and give her some love!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Finally Juanito's celebration and Birthday Giveaway!!!

Can I just say the winter weather this year has been crazy here in Utah!!! I honestly can't believe that we had to postpone everything this long. The kids made Juanito a birthday cake which turned out quite tasty if I do say so myself. We also had to scale down our balloon release by quite a bit =( I had planned on buying a bunch of balloons and writing all of Juanito's angel friend's names on them, but it was just too bitter cold and the 4 balloons we did release didn't float very well. But I know the ones we were able to release my boy was waiting for with open arms. Here are a few pictures from the day.

I'm having issues with being able to upload pictures right now and I didn't want to wait too long for this post, so it will we done with out pictures for the time being. =***(

Ok and now onto Juanito's first birthday giveaway! Thank you so much for being patient and so generously opening your wallets to Juanito's Wish. I had 6 people who donated on or before Juanito's birthday. They donated a total of $65. Which means 65 entries.... YAY!!! I didn't take a picture of the actual keychain that I am giving away, but this is one I found on the internet that looks similar.

Here is how I divided up the entries.
Sarita 1-5
Cesar 6-20
Courtney 21-30
Jen P. 31-50
Phoenix and Rainbow 51-60
Gloria 61-65

Drum roll please....... The winner of the keychain is....

NUMBER 19!!!

Congratulations to Cesar! He happened to be over visiting my husband one night after work when we started discussing Juanito's Wish and the giveaway. He immediately took out his wallet and handed us all the cash he had in there. I was in shock at how he was so willing to help out. I just wish I had one to give all of those who entered!!!

I have made a slight change to the January 10th Giveaways....

Instead of holding 2 or 3 more giveaways I have decided to give everyone who has donated to Juanito's Wish a gift from us! I know most of you gave me your addresses for Christmas and I should still have them. If you do not think I have your address will you please email it to me at jymr05 (at) juno (dot) com.

Thank you so much for the love and support you have given us this past year. I know it has been this wonderful community that has made this journey easier on us. I know through your generosity other baby loss families will also feel you love!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!!!

I had a really nice balloon release planned for today along with cake and ice cream, but Mother Nature had other plans and it is literally snowing slush. Ann suggested making a snowman and some snow angels in his honor, but that didn't work out to well. The snow is too wet. So We will postpone the celebrations until tomorrow or maybe even Friday. I feel bad but I know you understand little guy.
For those of you who want to get in on the giveaway you will have a couple more days to do it. I have decided to give away a digital picture key chain. That way you can always have pictures of your loved ones or angel with you at all times. I will still do some smaller gifts on January 10th as planned, so you still have plenty of time.

Here are some of the pictures fellow BLMs made for Juanito today along with the 100's of Facebook comments. I have felt so loved!!! Thank you so much for all the support this past year!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

1yr ago today

Today marks 1 year since I found out that Juanito had returned to be with Jesus. On Dec. 22nd I had my big US. His fluid was still low, but everything else looked good. The SCH was nowhere to be seen and he was very active. Our only problem was that he decided to be shy and not let us know the sex. Because my fluid was low they scheduled another US for Dec. 28th and we would once again take a peek and see what we would be having. I arrived at the doctor's office around 12:15 and I had to wait. I wasn't taken back until after 1:00pm. As soon as the tech placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. His fluid was extremely low and he wasn't moving like the week before. I was the one who finally said those dreaded words.... His heart has stopped!!! The tech confirmed it over and over for me. She even came back after telling my doctor and checked again, but there was no heartbeat. I was all alone! I never expected there to be anything wrong and I couldn't get ahold of Juan. He had left his cell in his truck (It took 2 hours to finally get ahold of him.) The first person I told was my dad. I was bawling hysterically and all I could say was the baby was gone. My dad handed the phone to my mom and she hopped into her car and headed up to be with us. My doc immediately took me back and placed seaweed sticks into my cervix to ripen it and sent me home to prepare for the delivery and try to comprehend everything that had just happened.

To this day I am still trying to comprehend what happened and why it had to happen to me. I would never wish this on anyone, but I just wish it didn't have to happen to me!!! I love and miss you so much baby boy!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Juanito's Birthday Giveaway!

With Juanito's birthday fast approaching (Dec. 29th) I thought I should get a post up about it. As all of you know we have started Juanito's Wish in honor of our son. We make and fill memory boxes to donate to rural hospitals for grieving parents. When I had Juanito I had no idea what to expect after his birth. Other than my cousin who lost a baby boy 1 month prior to myself nobody in my family had ever lost a baby to stillbirth. Here in Utah in the larger hospitals there is a program set in place for parents who lose a child. A representative from this organization comes in and takes care of all the parent's needs. Not to mention send them home with tons of things to remember their baby by. This organization took such good care of us and they eased the pain we were feeling at that time. My cousin was not given those opportunities and I never want to have that happen to another grieving mother again, so Juanito's Wish makes and fills the memory boxes to donate to those hospitals who do not have an organization in place.
Here are a few pictures of 2 of the boxes that have been donated so far.

In hopes to raise more money for the cause I have decided to hold several giveaways. I have been given gift cards (Cold Stone Ice Cream, Target, Jamba Juice, Walmart and a few others that are still pending their arival) crafting supplies/scrapbooking supplies and figurines to give away and I can't wait to do so!!! I will keep the giveaway open until January 10th. With all the upcoming holidays I figured that I needed to give a little extra time. One big prize will be given away on Juanito's Birthday for anyone who has entered and the remaining will be done the evening of January 10th.

There are 2 ways to enter for these giveaways.
1. Post about Juanito's upcoming birthday and giveaway on your blog for 1 entry.
2. Make a donation. Every dollar donated equals 1 entry. So $5=5 entries.
There is a Chip In button in the upper right hand column of this blog . It will direct you to Paypal where your donation can be made securely.
Once you have made your donation or blogged about the giveaway please leave me a comment telling me how much you donated or a link to your blog and I will put you in for the entries.