Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!!!

I had a really nice balloon release planned for today along with cake and ice cream, but Mother Nature had other plans and it is literally snowing slush. Ann suggested making a snowman and some snow angels in his honor, but that didn't work out to well. The snow is too wet. So We will postpone the celebrations until tomorrow or maybe even Friday. I feel bad but I know you understand little guy.
For those of you who want to get in on the giveaway you will have a couple more days to do it. I have decided to give away a digital picture key chain. That way you can always have pictures of your loved ones or angel with you at all times. I will still do some smaller gifts on January 10th as planned, so you still have plenty of time.

Here are some of the pictures fellow BLMs made for Juanito today along with the 100's of Facebook comments. I have felt so loved!!! Thank you so much for all the support this past year!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

1yr ago today

Today marks 1 year since I found out that Juanito had returned to be with Jesus. On Dec. 22nd I had my big US. His fluid was still low, but everything else looked good. The SCH was nowhere to be seen and he was very active. Our only problem was that he decided to be shy and not let us know the sex. Because my fluid was low they scheduled another US for Dec. 28th and we would once again take a peek and see what we would be having. I arrived at the doctor's office around 12:15 and I had to wait. I wasn't taken back until after 1:00pm. As soon as the tech placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. His fluid was extremely low and he wasn't moving like the week before. I was the one who finally said those dreaded words.... His heart has stopped!!! The tech confirmed it over and over for me. She even came back after telling my doctor and checked again, but there was no heartbeat. I was all alone! I never expected there to be anything wrong and I couldn't get ahold of Juan. He had left his cell in his truck (It took 2 hours to finally get ahold of him.) The first person I told was my dad. I was bawling hysterically and all I could say was the baby was gone. My dad handed the phone to my mom and she hopped into her car and headed up to be with us. My doc immediately took me back and placed seaweed sticks into my cervix to ripen it and sent me home to prepare for the delivery and try to comprehend everything that had just happened.

To this day I am still trying to comprehend what happened and why it had to happen to me. I would never wish this on anyone, but I just wish it didn't have to happen to me!!! I love and miss you so much baby boy!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Juanito's Birthday Giveaway!

With Juanito's birthday fast approaching (Dec. 29th) I thought I should get a post up about it. As all of you know we have started Juanito's Wish in honor of our son. We make and fill memory boxes to donate to rural hospitals for grieving parents. When I had Juanito I had no idea what to expect after his birth. Other than my cousin who lost a baby boy 1 month prior to myself nobody in my family had ever lost a baby to stillbirth. Here in Utah in the larger hospitals there is a program set in place for parents who lose a child. A representative from this organization comes in and takes care of all the parent's needs. Not to mention send them home with tons of things to remember their baby by. This organization took such good care of us and they eased the pain we were feeling at that time. My cousin was not given those opportunities and I never want to have that happen to another grieving mother again, so Juanito's Wish makes and fills the memory boxes to donate to those hospitals who do not have an organization in place.
Here are a few pictures of 2 of the boxes that have been donated so far.

In hopes to raise more money for the cause I have decided to hold several giveaways. I have been given gift cards (Cold Stone Ice Cream, Target, Jamba Juice, Walmart and a few others that are still pending their arival) crafting supplies/scrapbooking supplies and figurines to give away and I can't wait to do so!!! I will keep the giveaway open until January 10th. With all the upcoming holidays I figured that I needed to give a little extra time. One big prize will be given away on Juanito's Birthday for anyone who has entered and the remaining will be done the evening of January 10th.

There are 2 ways to enter for these giveaways.
1. Post about Juanito's upcoming birthday and giveaway on your blog for 1 entry.
2. Make a donation. Every dollar donated equals 1 entry. So $5=5 entries.
There is a Chip In button in the upper right hand column of this blog . It will direct you to Paypal where your donation can be made securely.
Once you have made your donation or blogged about the giveaway please leave me a comment telling me how much you donated or a link to your blog and I will put you in for the entries.

Monday, November 29, 2010

11 months

11 months ago today I said goodbye to my sweet angel! I still miss him just as much as I did that day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what life would be like if he were here. My other kids still talk about him and ask questions too. I love that they haven't forgotten either. Last night Adriana asked if I thought he would be walking by now and I said probably pulling himself up to the couch and I was saddened at the thought of never getting to share in those kinds of memories with my son, but I have different memories with him that I cherish very much.
We celebrated our first Thanksgiving without him this past weekend. I was so nervous about how I would deal with it. I was scared to death about the comments that would or wouldn't be made. My family was great to take into consideration my feelings when asking questions or making comments about different things. They really did a great job at making me feel "better" These next 4 weeks are going to be rough as we go through this holiday season without our baby, but apparently I have an amazing support group out there and I am very thankful to have them. It has been this baby loss community that has gotten me to where I am today.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Only 6 weeks left and I need ideas how to remember him by...

In just 6 short weeks it will have been 1 yr. since I was forced to say goodbye to my sweet baby boy. To be honest it doesn't feel like it has even been 3 months. It feels like it was just yesterday. All the emotions that have been involved this past year have been the most incredible and intense emotions I have ever felt. Yes I was emotional when I was married and yes I was emotional with the birth or each child, but these emotions are very different and a different kind of intense. I miss my baby boy so much! I really do. I know that someday I will be given the opportunity to be with him and make up for all this lost time, but that doesn't make this journey any less painful. I keep telling myself that there is a plan set in place and that loosing Juanito was part of that plan. I just need to put my trust in God and He will guide me through this plan. So far I have tried to do just that and so far things have gone as smoothly as they possible can for having had to bury my child....

I having been thinking for a long time what I want to do for his 1st angelversary and to be honest the only think I can think of is to somehow raise more money for Juanito's Wish. I really want to be able to expand this cause out to more rural hospitals. I have about 50 boxes ready to fill, but unfortunately Juan's work has really slowed and I am unable to purchase the items to fill, so those boxes are sitting in my cold room waiting to be sent off for more grieving parents. I need thoughts and ideas as to how I can get more donations (Big or small every dollar helps!) coming in to help out this cause. I know that the hospital I sent the first 10 boxes to has had to give out 2 of their boxes. I got word back that the parents were so grateful for the them and I want to continue to bring some kind of peace to grieving parent's hearts. If you have any thoughts or ideas as to how I can do this PLEASE leave a comment and let me know. I already have a donate button on the right side of this blog, but I need help getting the word out.

Friday, October 29, 2010

10 Months

Happy 10 months in Heaven my sweet baby boy!!! I honestly can't believe it has been 10 months since we said hello and goodbye all at the same time. This week has been an emotional one to say the least. I love Halloween and it has been really hard no being able to plan out our Halloween with Juanito here. I should have a 6 month old wearing a purple Teletubby costume my mom made for my oldest. It has been a tradition to have each child wear this costume their first Halloween. I wish I had him here with us today to parade him around the school and show him off to all my colleagues and students. I know they would be just oohing and awing all over him. They would be happily passing him back and forth and he would be just a ham for all of them. Then it would be his momma's turn and he would snuggle right down into my shoulder and probably drift off to sleep form all the excitement. But that is only my dream of what I wish could have been. I miss him so much. I know he is in a better place and smiles down on us everyday, but that doesn't make this grief I feel any less. He is a perfect spirit now and I can't wait for the day I will get the chance to hold him again and make up all the lost time. 10 months seems like an eternity, but at the same time, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Little man mommy is so proud of you and I know you are up there doing so many good things. You were such a strong little guy even when your environment was less than perfect for you. I wish things could have turned out differently, but for some reason you were not meant to be here on earth. I think about you on a daily basis and I imagine what you would have looked like and acted like. I can't wait for the day that we can be reunited and make up for all the many days and nights we spent apart. I hope you have a gigantic halloween party with all your friends this weekend.
Keep a close eye on your baby sister. If she is anything like you big sister she needs to have someone keep a close watch on here. I know you 2 are having so much fun and I am so happy for that.
I love you and miss you so much!!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Rainbow Blog

I know how hard it can be to read about a pregnancy when you are not ready, so I have decided to start a blog for my Rainbow. This will be the last post for a while about my rainbow on this blog. If you are interested in reading about the progress of this pregnancy you can go to

I really want to thank everyone who has supported me through these last 9 months. It has really meant so much to me.

Monday, October 11, 2010


SO I want to hear your thoughts on calling living children angels? Before I lost Juanito I know that I used this label for my living children at times. What parent doesn't? Then I lost him and I learned the true meaning of what an angel is. I am having such a rough time hearing people call their living children angels. It really bothers me. I wish it didn't, but it does. For me the only children that should be able to use the term angel are those that have left this earth too soon and live in Heaven. They are the only ones who should be called angels. What are your feelings on the topic? Does it bother you? Have you been able to get past it? Is it something that will pass for me too? I am just curious.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Juanito's Wish is Being Sponsored!!!

Jenna Belle's mommy Franchesca over at Small Bird Studio is sponsoring Juanito's Wish for the month of October. A portion of all proceeds she makes from blog makeovers will go to help fund our memory boxes. Fran is so talented and just an amazing person. She designed Juanito's blog for me and did a wonderful job. Please go over and check her out! If you were even thinking about re-doing your blog Fran is the gal for you. Plus you would be helping out a great cause!!!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Bad dreams and my pathology report

I have been having lots of dreams lately that Juanito was a girl. It has really bothered me. What if he really was and we have been honoring this little boy when we should have been honoring a little girl? So I got brave yesterday and I pulled out the pathology reports. He def. was a boy! There is no doubt about it!!! In big bold letters written in the first sentence was the word MALE! That really made me feel better. I also took my time and read the report. There really was a second hemorrhage/abruption and that was his cause of death. Why I didn't comprehend this when I read the report the first time I don't know, but this time I did. How the heck I didn't die from it, I don't know. Silent abruptions are almost always a death sentence for pregnant women. I did some research and the abruption is probably what caused me to hemorrhage after I delivered too. The clots that had formed broke away and it caused the flood gates to open. The pathology of the placenta showed it was 100% intact, so there was no way it was retained placenta that they had to do the D&C for. Had it just been placenta I would never have had to be packed with gauze for 6 hours afterward. It is so weird how our minds can only deal with so much and I was overloaded with grief when I first got those results. I honestly do understand a lot of medical terminology from my nursing background and it really was not hard for me to interpret, but I just couldn't handle it at the time. I am thankful that I did get up the courage to read that report again. It really did give me more insight to the whole situation.

Friday, October 1, 2010

9 months

I can't believe it has been 9 months since I held my sweet baby boy! Wow 9 months! It seems like it has been so long yet I remember it like it was yesterday. The short time I had him with me was such an amazing time and I would do it all over again just to know I would get to hold him again. I miss him so much, but I know he is up there watching over us. What a special little boy!

I have officially made it through the 3 trimesters of what a pregnancy should be. So, am I cured? Nope! Never! I will never be through this. I guess you can say I am now a newborn learning how to live life. I am back to "normal" Not the old normal, but the new one. This is me. I am forever changed, but I know I can learn to live again. I will slowly enter the infant stage, toddler stage, childhood and so on. I will learn how to make it through this life as I slowly grow.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

My 24 hour heart monitor

I have been having heart palpitations for about 6 weeks and they do not seem to be slowing. I have severe thyroid issues and I all of a sudden was being over medicated. My levels dropped so low that they couldn't measure them. Low thyroid can cause palpitations so we figured that was the cause and lowered my medication. Well I have been on the lower dose and I am still having them. So I went into my doc and they did an EKG. I had this male nurse I had never met and I was a little embarrassed to be almost naked laying on the table. Yes I had a drape, but it sure didn't cover much...LOL. The results of the EKG looked pretty good and I managed to keep my composure. My doc wanted to have me do a halter monitor test just to make sure nothing too serious was happening. I have about 10 of these electrodes all over my chest and abdomen. I honestly do not anticipate this being anything serious. In fact I personally think it may be a form of anxiety. I have had a few panic attacks in the past, but over all I have not suffered from anxiety and I have never experienced heart palpitations. But I have been through a lot of trauma this past year and I know that it could just be manifesting itself. Hopefully we can get some clear cut answers by the middle of next week. For you enjoyment I have posted some beautiful pictures of my chest the the lovely white patches I have been sporting around. My 3rd graders think it is pretty cool that Mrs. Ramirez has white stickers stuck all over her with different colored wires, but they too are worried I am sick, so today for morning meeting I had to explain to them that I am OK and this is just to make sure everything is Ok with my heart.

My lovely patches and of course I own no high neck shirts that will fit me anymore, so I get to show them off!!!

It's amazing that this little device will measure everything they need to diagnose whats going on.

This is the stylish little case I get to wear around my waist. It brings back so many memories of the fanny pack era....LOL!!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My new blog

I have decided to start a new blog for my Rainbow. At this point I am just trying to get my journal entries posted from when I first found out I was expecting till now. It is kind of a slow process because life is hectic. The new blog is called Rainbow Reflections. It kind of has a double meaning for me and I guess it just seemed to fit. It is nothing fancy, but it is a place for me to talk about my feelings and update my readers about the progress of this pregnancy.

I just want to thank everyone for your support. This has been such a rough road and without your support I don't think I would be where I am at right now. Like they say hear in Utah I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

100th Blog Post and a special announcement!!!

I never thought in a million years I would be writing my 100th blog post on a blog dedicated to a son I lost. At this time last year I was about 8 weeks pregnant and looking forward to completing my family. I had many hopes and dreams for the sweet baby growing inside of me and I was unaware that in just a few short weeks my world would be turned upside down. This journey has been so hard, but in many ways so worth it. I miss my baby boy with all my heart and I would do anything to have him back. Through his loss I have developed many great friendships and a wonderful support system. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I was unaware of. I have become more compassionate because of his loss and I have chosen to give more of myself through service. I cherish my family so much more and I love myself for the strength and courage I have shown these past 9 months. Life will never be the same for us, but in many ways Juanito has made it better. He has shown as a different way of life and he has taught us so many things. I want to thank him for that.

Although we miss our sweet angel so much, we are excited to announce that Juanito is going to be a BIG BROTHER!!! It is so ironic that at this time last year I was 8 weeks pregnant with Juanito and now I am just a month further along than that with his brother or sister. Sometime in March we will welcome our new addition into our home and I know that Juanito will be there smiling down on us. For the next 6 months he will get to know his sibling and play with them while mommy and daddy try not to go insane with worry. I know Juanito will do his best to keep this little noodle safe, but this is in God's hands now. Juan and I both know that God has a plan for us and this baby and we have decided to just trust in Him.

Just a quick thought: If you have a blog you have dedicated to your rainbow pregnancy will you please leave the link here for me. I plan on starting a blog for my little rainbow and I would love to have links to all the blogs on there. Thanks!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The final question before the 100th post

This one comes from the mommy of 2 angels, Caroline. She asked,

Has losing Juanito changed you as a teacher ? What grade do you teach ?

Caroline, last year was really rough on me. I came back to my 3rd graders just 2 short weeks after I lost him and to be honest I was not ready. I had a team of teachers who were very willing to help out with lesson plans and it was just easier work wise to come back. I was very withdrawn and down. To make things worse we had some teachers who were making the whole school miserable. I developed a very bad depression and I am sure my students could tell. Fortunately I had the most amazing class last year and I absolutely loved them. They stepped up and took care of me. They knew I was hurting and their behavior in class became amazing! They tried harder and they wanted to please me. In a way they saved me. They distracted me enough that I was able to make it through each day. This year on the other hand is a rough group of kids. The socio-economic situation of the majority of my students is very low and so they need extra love and attention. I am more willing to do that for these kids. I have realized that it does not matter if they are not my own children God has sent them to be in my class for a reason and I am going to try and make a difference in their lives. Even if it is just one day and one small difference. So I guess Juanito's loss has made me a more caring person. He gave me something that I did not have before. He is such a special little guy and he definitely has made a huge difference in my life.

Thanks for the question!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Question #7

This question was submitted by Noah's mommy Celia.

Are there certain ways that you choose to honor and remember Juanito that are special to you or unique to you?

Celia I honest don't know if they are unique, but they are important to me. One of the biggest things I have decided and this has been within the last couple of months is that I am not going to worry about talking about him with people. I bring him up in conversations and if someone asks about my children I make sure to include him, even if it is just to say I have an angel in Heaven. I have chosen to honor him by talking about him. It don't care if they know me or not.

Another thing we have done is we have things that remind us about him throughout the house. We have his memorial plaque in a pot with a beautiful plant and his grave flowers in our living room. We have his name portraits hung in special rooms in our house. I keep his memory box on a shelf that we see everyday. My laptop wallpaper is a picture of us at the cemetery with him.

I don't know if this was the answer you were looking for, but I think I am your typical BLM and I do whatever I can to remember him and keep his memories alive. My biggest fear is that someday I will forget. I don't want this pain to ease because that might mean I will lose him. If that makes sense.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Question #6

This next question comes from Jenna's mommy Franchesca. She asked,

What things throughout your everyday life remind you of your sweet boy?

This is kind of a hard one to put into words for me, but I'm going to do my best! Juan and I hung up 2 very special name portraits of Juanito's name in our bedroom. One is made by you Fran from Jenna's alphabet (I have it laid out across the top of my blog under my header, but the one on our wall is on canvas and looks amazing!!!) and the other was painted by Stephanie ( you can see a picture of it in her gallery.) Every morning I wake up to those 2 portraits and he is the first thing that I think about. I have loved having him there with us as we sleep. It is nice to know that my little angel is watching over me every night. Often times any little green creature ( green birds, green butterflies, green dragonflies, green bugs) will make me think of my boy too. I think he probably would have loved bugs and gross things. He would have caught them in mason jars and brought them in to show me. I'm sure he would have also scared the crap out of me on occasion with the hiding of these "green things" in places we should not keep them too. Other things that make me think about all of my boys are stick horses and little boys in cowboy hats. My hubby is a modern cowboy and he loves to dress his boys in hats and boots. I know without a doubt that Juanito would have been one too. Whenever I see little ones dressed up I can't help but wonder what he would have looked like. I'm sure he would have been just as handsome as my other boys in the house. In fact his memory box has a little cowboy hat on a wooden stick horse burnt into the lid. These are all very pleasant to me an I just love to see them. Of course the occasional surprise of someone writing his name is a lot of fun too.

There are also different things that bug or upset me when they happen in everyday life. We have a few acquaintances that call my husband Juanito and I hate it!!! He is not Juanito! He is Juan. I have told them time and time again that Juanito is our son not my husband but they just don't get it. I have chosen to stay away from them for the time being. I also hate when people tell me that we should have named out 3rd son Juan or call him Juanito because he looks like his daddy. Yes my 3rd looks identical to his dad when his dad was a boy only in light skin, but he is named after his dad. They have the same middle name, which happens to be a family name. But we do have a son named Juanito after his daddy. He just isn't here for you to look at and admire. He's not with us to hear all the comparisons to his big brothers and daddy. He is not going to get that recognition like is big brothers and sister do. I know that none of these people are doing it to hurt us, but it is a very hurtful reminder every time it happens. We only have ONE Juanito in our family and he is very special to us.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Question #5

This question comes from Jack's mom, Melissa. She asked how did you choose the name Juanito?

In the Mexican culture or at least where my husband is from they are really big with naming children after their parents. Juan (my husband) had always said he wanted to name a son after him. The only problem is that Juan is an extremely common name and our last name is probably just as common. We have had so many problems with the mix-up of identification since we were married that I absolutely refused to do that to my children. Juan was accused of owing the state of Utah several grand for drug possesion charges that were never paid and we had to go to court and have his finger prints taken (which he has to carry with him at all times in case he was ever to be pulled over) just to prove it was not him. We have vehicle registrations from all over the state sent to our house of vehicles we do not own. He has had bill collectors harass him for past due accounts which were not his. Anyway I'm sure you get the picture. So when we found out that our 3rd was a boy I REFUSED to give him the first name of Juan. We did give him Juan's middle name though. After I got pregnant with Juanito Juan started teasing me again that this one was going to be Juan or Juana. Of course I laughed him off and said we will find a name to agree on. We did not know Juanito was a boy until I delivered him. We hadn't even really discussed names. Then one of the nurses from the night shift told us she wanted to make a crib card and name card for us. She asked if we had a name. I just looked over at Juan and said I want to name him after his daddy. So all the paperwork they gave us in the hospital says Juan. I felt it was perfect, but we had a problem. Every time we tried to talk about the baby and we said Juan our other kids were confused and thought we were talking about their dad, so we started to say Little Juan. Then one day one of us said Juanito which is Little Juan in Spanish. It just seemed to fit and that is what he has been known as ever since.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Question #4

My next question comes form Carleigh's mom Holly. She asked, What is your favorite way to remember your son?

Holly you had to choose a hard one for me. I honestly do not know my favorite way. I LOVE to see his name written places by my fellow BLMs. That always brings a huge smile to my face.
The way that has been the most healing for me has been to have started Juanito's Wish. When my cousin lost her baby boy the hospital she delivered at did nothing for her. No prints, molds, pictures, blankets, name card, certificate of birth...... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I do not blame the hospital for this and I don't think she does either. They just had not been trained on the different ways they could honor babies for their parents and ease so of the pain with going home empty handed. So with the help of my mom, my cousin and a few other ladies we have set up a program for that hospital and one about 30 miles away. Volunteers have made baby blankets, clothes and micro wraps. I purchased memory boxes, and many items to place in the box and my mom began educating herself and the staff on what they can do for Babyloss families. I was able to donate my first 2 boxes to the hospital about a month ago and I hope to have 8 more ready by Juanito's first birthday (I have posted pictures on the Juanito's wish link.) I will also be going down to the next nurses staff meeting and doing a presentation of Do's and Don'ts, comforting, and share my experience about my loss.
Well now that I have got it all written down, I think this is probably my favorite way to remember him. We are doing good in his name and to me that is the best way to remember him!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Question #3

My 3rd question comes from Sami's mom Lisette. She asked how did you and your husband meet? How has he changed your life?

This is a long one, but I will keep it as short as possible. I was working in a rural hospital here in Utah. I was a single mom at the time and one of my patients came in to deliver a baby. She to was a single mom, so we hit it off. I had been divorced for about a year by then, so I was ready to start dating again. She introduced me to a guy that was from the same town as Juan. We dated some and it was nice to just get out and experience life again. Through some of the gatherings I had seen Juan, but never noticed him as a potential boyfriend. He was just getting out of a 4yr relationship and was pretty torn up. I had enough baggage, so I stayed clear! About 4 months later we all decided to go Latin Dancing. Juan lived about 2 hrs away from our small town in "the big city" so we chose his house as the meeting place before heading out for a night of dancing. I was sitting on the couch by my friend when Juan walked through the front door. He worked construction, so he was dirty and covered in cement. It was so funny, because he came through the door stopped and turned towards me and just started. He never said a word. Just stared at me. When he finally broke his gaze and left to go shower I leaned over to my friend and told her that someday I was going to marry him. She thought I was crazy! Dancing was a blast. I danced with several of the guys, but every time Juan asked me to dance you could just feel the chemistry between us. Fast forward a month to our first official date on Jan. 5th. We knew there was going to be something special between us, but we never knew how quickly it would grow. We of course did the long distance dating thing. I would come up to his house or he would come down to mine on the weekends. We spent hours talking on the phone and there were weeks that I couldn't stand it, so I would drive the 2hr drive in about 1 1/2 hrs to just see him for the evening. I would have to get up early the next morning and drive back down to go to class, but it was worth it. Five months after our first date we were married!!! I finished my associates degree and moved up to the big city to be with him. I wish I could say and we lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER..... But we have had some very sad times in our marriage. One thing I do know though we have lived very madly in love the last 10 years!

Now for the second part of the question...... I don't know if I can say Juan has changed me, but I think we have changed as a couple. We almost function as 1 rather than 2 separate people. We are always there for each other regardless of the situation. We have been through some really rough times together and there may be times that I don't think we will ever be able to pull through and then somehow we do and we are so much closer and stronger for it. We have evolved so much over the past ten years and I am so thankful I have him by my side each and every day!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Question #2

This question comes from Antoinette, mommy to Alyssa. Her blog is private, so sorry friends no snooping allowed. Where is your favorite place to vacation, and where would you have taken Juanito for his first trip?

My favorite place to vacation is Mexico. I love it there. I have visited Cancun, Mexico City, and most of the state Jalisco. My husband is from a small town called Cofradia de la luz. It is about 2 hours outside of Guadalajara. I love to go down and just hang out with family and friends. Well and going to news places is pretty fun too.

I have a tradition with my kids that just before their 2nd birthday I take them down to meet the family. Once they turn 2 you have to pay for 2 plane tickets you know....LOL! It is just us 2 out to have a good time and bond with Juan's family. We would have had small family vacations before hand, camping trips, over nighters, weekends with my family, but Juanito's very first big vacation would have been to go to Mexico with his mommy. It's hard to think we won't be able to do that, but next time I go I will take a piece of him with me and leave it there, so he can always be a part of that special trip with me.

Thanks Ann for the question. It was a very good one!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Question #1

Sarita Boyette was my first to respond to the question post and her question is: How has blogging helped your heart after Juanito's passing? I know it has helped me tremendously, even just to read what other's have to say on their blogs.

Sarita that is a very good question. I was a family blogger before I lost Juanito, so I was very familiar to the blogging scene, but I do not have any friends IRL that have lost babies. That is until 1 month prior to me losing Juanito a cousin of mine lost a baby boy around 18 weeks (Megan you can correct me if I am wrong.) So I figured that I needed to leave my family blog as a family blog and make a blog just for Juanito. It would not be fare to my other children if I allowed this grief to take away from those I have here with me. One day one of my readers left me a comment with URls to a few babyloss blogs and from there my eyes were opened to a whole new world. There were 100's of women who were just like me and knew exactly what I was going through that blogged about it. I could ask questions, get feedback on situations and just plain know I was not alone. It has helped to have a place just for me to vent and talk about my loss openly. Well and to know that those reading understand me. They know how difficult this is and they are not quick to judge in this world. Things that are not normal in the "real world" are completely normal here and that has helped so much. So Sarita I don't know if that is the answer you are looking for, but in all honesty blogging has saved my life. It has been the therapy I have needed.

P.S. I am still in need of some more questions!!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

100th blog post very near.....

So as I near my 100th blog post I am going to play the same question game that many of my fellow blogger friends have played. Leave me a question as a comment and I will be honest and answer it. It can be about anything you would like to know about me or my family (lets keep it clean though....LOL) For my 100th I have a very special post I have been working on that I hope my readers will enjoy. I know from reading other friends blog questions that this a a fun way to reach that milestone.

So let the questions begin!!!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Am I going crazy????

I found a website that makes real life babies for babyloss moms. The price depends on the kits you use, but she is so willing to work with you. I want one! I know that Juanito wasn't far enough along to be able to make an exact replica of him, but all of my kids have been very similar in size and characteristics. The only difference was Mitch came out as my white boy. I want to send in newborn pics of my other kids and have a baby made in memory of Juanito. Am I going crazy? Is it weird that I want to try and crate a doll that I think would have looked like him? I just want to be able to hold a baby in my arms and know that this is what he could've/would've looked like. Maybe it's going a little too far, but I still want one. What do you as fellow babyloss moms think? Am I going too far? Is it morbid of me? Am I crazy... OK don't answer that one because I already know the answer...LOL

I just want some advice and thoughts from my friends!

A good day and exciting news

Today I woke up in a good mood! Things seem to be just right! Nothing has changed, but I just have a good feeling about today. Maybe it's that it is Friday and I get to spend 2 days with my family. Maybe its that I had a good nights sleep. Maybe I have just decided that it is time to think positively. I don't know but I will take it!!!

Juan and I have also been asked to be Godparents yet again. We really are very excited and it is such an honor. It will take place on Nov. 7th. Her mom is a single mom and it was such an honor for her to choose us because if anything was to happen to her we would be responsible for her daughter's wellbeing. We already have 2 Godsons and 3 Goddaughters. We have been asked to baptize another little girl sometime next year. I just LOVE my Godkids! I think of them as my own. I always said I wanted a lot of kids and in a way it's going to happen. I may not be able to raise them in my home, but I will get to have a big part in there lives.

Life is just good today!!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Moving On....

This might sound horrible, but do any of you ever just want to move on because you are just so emotionally exhausted? That is how I am feeling today. I feel very lost with where I am at these days. I don't feel like I belong to any one group any more and that is very confusing! I just want to move on and not have to worry about anything or have to be the voice for my son who died, so people will remember him. I just want to move on from all these bad things that have happened to me and "forget" them. I know I can never forget my son or the short time I had with him. I love him too much for that, but today I just want to move on!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

When it rains it pours

I just got home from work and found out that my husband's work has slowed down so much that they hardly are going to work. He was off all last week and will be off next week if his boss can't win bids on some jobs. Granted I am stable for the year, but unfortunately my salary doesn't pay all the bills. I wish we could just get a break from it all!!! We need some good things to come our way. I just want everything to work out and for us to be happy again. I honestly wouldn't care if we lost everything if we could just be happy!!! I'm just very frustraited with the direction things have gone lately. Hopefully good things can start to come our way!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Is it not enough?

Do you ever feel like your best is not enough? Well that is exactly how I am feeling right now. I'm doing the best I can right now with the cards I have been dealt. It has only been 8 months since I had to say goodbye to my son. I returned back to work only 2 short weeks after I lost him. I managed to keep it together for my family, my friends and my students. I hardly ever had break downs in front of anyone and I've managed to do this with out the help of therapy. But lately I feel as if people expect more from me. I have returned back to yet another year of teaching. I arrive to work at 7am and I don't leave till 5pm. I go home, I make dinner, spend quality time with my kids and then I am beat! I can't do anymore. I have to go to bed. My friends are wondering what has happened to me, my husband is wondering when his wife will return and I still have a million things I need to get accomplished around my house and at work.

Just so everyone knows I am doing the best I can!!! Sorry house if you don't get scrubbed as often as you would like. Sorry Juan if we don't get as much alone time as you would like. Sorry friends if you don't hear from me as much as you would like. Sorry work I think 10 hours a day is enough! Just know I am doing the best I can right now!!! I promise I haven't forgotten about you and I will make up for lost time, but right now I am just trying to stay afloat!!!


Monday, August 30, 2010

8 months

I wanted to write this yesterday, but my sweet hubby decided that he just needed to spend some quality time with me this weekend and he forbid me from using my computer. It has been 8 long months since I held my precious son in my arms. I miss him so much! It feels like it was just yesterday that I was laying in the US room and I asked/told the tech that he was gone. I knew right away. I had seen enough US in my life to know that he was gone. All she could do was hug me and tell me she was sorry. Well and all I could say was it was OK. It really wasn't Ok. I had just lost my son, but I didn't know what else to say. Juan and I had to enter that very room just this last week. It brought back so many emotions and I had to tell Juan step by step what happened. It was so helpful for me to be able to do that. I have been able to talk more about everything with Juan lately and he has been so supportive. I know he doesn't want to relive it, but I need to get it off my shoulders. He has been such an mazing help with it all lately. I miss my baby boy more than anyone will ever know, but I have found a renewed hope. I know without a doubt that God is going to bless us with a beautiful and healthy rainbow. I know that everything is going to work out. A rainbow will never replace my sweet Juanito, but it will help with the healing.

Mommy, wants you to know that I miss you so much, but I know that you are giving me the courage to move forward and carry on sweet baby boy. Protect your future baby brother of sister and let them know that I am patiently waiting for the day that they will come into our lives. You are such an amazing little man and I know you are with me everyday!!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Your prayers were answered!

Things are going much better! I am feeling more at peace with things and my blood levels are looking much better. The doctor put me on some hormone supplements and they seem to be working!!!! I have started back t work, so life has become very busy and I am able to occupy my mind more. I am just trying not to think about things right now. I am keeping my fingers crossed that things continue to head in the right direction!!!


Friday, August 13, 2010

I needs prayers!!!

Without going into too much detail I am asking for your prayers!!! My hormones levels are not where they should be and in fact they have been dropping. They need to be at a certain level to get pregnant and raise to another level to maintain the pregnancy. This is so hard and I am feeling so down. I really need to be lifted in prayer right now. Will you please say a prayer for me and my future rainbow(s)? If you do not believe in prayer will you please just keep me in your thoughts? Just knowing I have support helps so much!!!

I love you all!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Slowly but surely!

Ok so I have had a few suggestions on how I can raise funds for Juanito's Wish. Jenna's mommy Franchesca is going to donate a portion of what she makes during the month of October from blog makeovers to us!!! That is going to help out so much!!! So if you are thinking about a new look for you blog PLEASE hold off till October for us.

Another suggestion has been to put a Chipin button on the blog. That is now up and running. If you donate PLEASE leave a comment and let me know. I will put it on the blog in honor of your angel!!!

I am so excited to expand Juanito's Wish. There are so many parents out there going through what we are and I want to help as many as possible!!! This is a slow process, but we will make it to where we want to go!!!

Thanks to everyone who has helped out so far!!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I need help figuring out how to raise $ for Juanito's Wish

Finally Juanito's Wish is up and running! We have 2 complete boxes and supplies for 15 more. I should have the poem/scripture verses books back from the girls who are assembling them this weekend. We really are off to a good start! Thank God no one has needed a box, but it is only a matter of time.
So anyway I want to be able to donate more boxes to more rural hospitals, but do to all my many medical issues my funds are growing thin. I am in need of ideas and ways to raise some money just for Juanito's Wish!

Just as I was typing this the cutest little hummingbird came and visited me for a few minutes!!! Oh it was my little guy checking up on me!

OK back to my money issues...... Anyone have any good ideas???

Thursday, July 29, 2010

7 months.....

I have been thinking about today for several days now and when I woke up this morning I had totally forgot that it was the 29th. Maybe it is the "hang over" I have from the long drive back from Oregon, but I still feel really bad that it wasn't the first thing I thought of this morning. I can't believe it has been 7 months since I held my sweet baby boy. I miss him so much and thought a lot about him during our vacation. I imagined how things would have been had he been there with us and how we would have had to do things differently with him there. It was really hard to not have him there to share in our family memories. I feel that it is getting harder rather than easier for me as time goes on. I miss him so much and I just wish I could have him back even if it were just for a day.

**** I took some pictures of his name while on vacation and I will get them posted as soon as they are uploaded!!!

Friday, July 16, 2010

I need advice

Ok this might be a long post and I'm not quit sure how to start it, so the intro might be a little awkward........

Last year one of Juan and I's goals was to focus more on becoming closer to God and showing our children religion. I grew up LDS or Morman and Juan Catholic. When we were married one of the compromises we made was to allow our children to choose their religion. This has worked for us thus far. One problem we did find is that many of our friends wanted us for Godparents of their children and if we were not married in the Catholic church we could not do that. So I chose to go through all the steps and we were married in the Catholic church last September. Neither Juan or I have been back to church since we lost Juanito. We both really have tried, but it has been too painful.

Now that you have some background I think these stories will make more sense. A few months ago Juan and I were asked yet again to be Godparents. On the 24th of this month we will be traveling to Oregon to baptize a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. I am so excited!!! But both Juan and I knew we would have to attend Baptism classes and that meant we would have to go back into the church. I made sure to sign up for the class that the Priest who married us taught. I knew he would be more sensitive to us and the class would be just fine. Well when we got to the church we found out the the priest had to go out of town and the only class that was available before we left was the Spanish class. We had taken this class before and I did not care for the instructor. He is down right rude!!!

He actually was more pleasant and even cracked a few jokes. I was shocked!!! I managed to get through the class and I didn't have my breakdown until afterwards. At one point in the class the instructor said that it was the parents responsibility to protect their children and I feel like I was not able to do the with Juanito, so I did cry afterwards. On Wednesday, we had our last class. I felt so much better and even walked into the church excited. Well class started and things were going well. Everyone was cracking jokes and we were having a good time. Until he got to the part about where babies come from. He got onto some sort of deranged soapbox and would not quit. He told us that it is 100% the parents fault if a baby is born sick, retarded or dead. And yes he said it just like that. It wasn't enough that he said it once, but he kept going on and on. He says God would never send an imperfect spirit to earth. After a few minutes I lost it and started bawling! I actually had to leave the class and spend the rest of it in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. This man has been put into a situation of authority and he has no right to say those types of things. I have made an appointment with the priest for today to talk about what happened, but I don't know what else to do. He absolutely devastated me and I have not been able to get over it.

Well yesterday I called my mom to tell her about it and I again got another slap in the face. Both my parents are very strong in the Mormon church and my mom especially doesn't like the fact that I am affiliated at all with the Catholic church. So I tell her the story trying my hardest not to get hysterical and she starts to say something, but then stops. I know without a doubt it was going to be something about Catholics and what they believe, but she stopped and wouldn't say. She then says, " Well guess what happened to me yesterday? I was registering your dad for some blood work and we have you listed as our emergency contact. When The registrar pulled it up on the computer it was flashing right there in bold that your religion is Catholic." I'm just sitting there on the other end thinking what does this have to do with what this guy did to me. I'm sitting here bawling on the phone devastated that someone would blame me for Juanito's death and you are trying to tell me what "happened" to you. How is my religion being listed as Catholic something that "happens" to someone. She totally turned what this uneducated man said into a religion issue instead of trying to console me. I was hurt beyond words buy that. I know she doesn't like the fact that I support the catholic religion. Before we hung up she did say she was sorry for what the man did, but the hurt had already been caused. I figured I wouldn't be able to call her and tell her without being a bawling babbling mess, so i wrote her an email explaining my feelings. That probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I needed her to know that I was hurting. I know she has read it and I have yet to hear back from her. No phone call. No email. NOTHING!

What she doesn't realize is she still has me here on earth with here. I have not joined some kind of cult and my beliefs are still 100% the same as they have always been. I don't have my son here with me and I am doing the very best I can to work through this grieving process. There are going to be things that upset me and I Need people to just listen and support me. Nobody is going to be able to fix me. It is just going to take time for me to work through all of this. None of these triggers have anything to do with religion, sex, age or race. They just happen and I will slowly work through them.

Well if you managed to make it through this I thank you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to fix this with my mom? I don't want to call her if she is really upset and just cause us to fight more. UGH.... I hate that I even have to be offended by what people say. I wish I could just going back to being naive again. I wish I just had my baby here with me.

Monday, July 5, 2010

6 Months...... I think I am ready

Wow! This has been a hard post to write. It has been 6 long and hard months since I held my baby. I keep being told that it will get easier with time and I keep waiting for that time to come. I still wake up everyday thinking about my sweet baby boy and all the things I am missing. I still think about him all the time. I still miss him just as much as I did the day I found out he was gone. I still dream about him all the time and I still hurt so bad that at times I don't think I can breath. I still do not feel like time has eased the pain.

On the other hand these past 6 months have brought me some of the most genuine and pure friends that I could ever have. It has brought me into a community that I wouldn't want anyone to belong to, but I am so glad that I do. These past 6 months have taught more about myself than I ever learned in the 29 years before I lost him. These last 6 months have brought my family so close that I don't think anything will ever be able to tear us apart. I would not change anything that has happened over these past 6 months.

I had hoped to be blessed with a Rainbow by his 6 month Angelversary, but unfortunately that did not happen. I have learned that I have once again joined another community that I thought I would never belong to. That is the infertility community. Never in a million years did I imagine that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Dylan was a condom baby, Adriana took 1 try and Mitch took 2 months. It took us 16 months to get Juanito, but several of those months we didn't try or it wasn't convenient, so we used protection, but when we got really serious about trying, we got pregnant within just a few months. That is not the case anymore. We have been trying for the last 4 months (2 months very hard) with no results. I have used OPK's and done blood work only to reveal that I am no longer ovulating. Both Juan and I knew that one day that could become a possibility with my Hashimoto's, but we both figured we would be done having babies by the time that day came. We should be done having babies. I was going to have my tubes tied after I had Juanito, but instead we were forced to go home and try again. We tried 50mg of Clomid last month and I just knew that would do the trick, but I was wrong. I still didn't ovulate. Tomorrow I will start 100mg of Clomid and I pray that with the help of God and Juanito we can be blessed with our Rainbow.

I hope my rambling makes sense. This post will probably be changed several times before I like it, but I felt like I needed to get something down.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Six months.....

I keep trying to write this post but I can't. Not yet anyway. I'm sorry!!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010


I love to scrapbook. I always have. It is a hobby that I started when I had Dylan. I wanted to remember everything about my kids while they were growing up. Well I've been a slacker and fallen really far behind, but I am determined to get caught up!!! Tonight I was working on Mitch's book. the very first page in each child's book is their hospital portrait then their delivery and finally their first bath. It is so much fun to look at these pages and remember the feelings associated with them. I love it, but I have a problem. I don't have a first hospital picture, delivery pictures or first bath pictures of Juanito. I have no happy memories of his birth. I was too devastated by his death. Granted I appreciate every moment we had with him and I loved admiring his tiny little features, but it wasn't happy like my others. All I have are a few pictures, hand & foot prints, name cards and certificates. Juanito's book is not going to consist of memories, but rather thoughts. People thinking of him and our family and writing his name or sending a cards. Pictures of his name are all I have to share of him. I am so glad to have them and so thankful of the many friends and strangers out there who have taken a moment of their time to think of my son. You guys are my heros!!! But deep down inside that is not enough! I want all the memories I will never have with him to scrapbook. I want to be able to laugh and smile as I remember his face or his reaction to a particular situation. I want to be able to show off his book the same way I do the others, but instead I will have a memorial book to honor him by. People will look at it and feel sorry for us. They will tell us how beautiful the pages are and how thoughtful people are to send us the pictures of his name. That is all I will have for my beautiful Angel.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I have a hard time being happy for them!

How many you you have a hard time being happy for someone who announces that they are pregnant? Well I will admit that I do. I have had several people in my life announce that they are expecting lately. Some of them fellow babyloss moms and some not, but the one thing is that I can't feel that joy that I used to feel for pregnant women. If they are a BL mom I worry for them and pray that they get their rainbow baby, so that they can have a calm in their storm. If they are not I pray that they do not have to feel or know this heartache. I can't feel excited for them or overjoyed like I used to. I am glad that they are expecting and I am hopeful that things will work out, but I do not feel like I did before I lost my baby! I hope this all makes sense. It is not that I am heartless or jealous. It's just that everyday I live the reality of what can happen to that beautiful bliss when something goes terribly wrong! I know what it feels like when your hopes and dreams are shattered into a million pieces and there is no hope of being able to piece them back together. I know what it feels like to lose a baby!!! I wish I could put my feelings into words, but this is the best I can do and it doesn't even begin to touch it. I live everyday hoping to find a glimmer of happiness to replace the sorrow my heart feels for my sweet baby. I just hope that someday this pain will ease and I can once again feel happy and hopeful for those around me as they plan and prepare for the most wonderful adventure of their life.

Baby bird I miss you so much! I can't believe just 7 more days and it will have been 6 months since I held you. Six months since all my hopes and dreams for you were put on hold. Six months since I started a new reality that has caused me to open my eyes and see the world for what it really is. I love you more than words can express. You will always have a place in my heart baby boy!!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What a bad day...

I honestly don't know what is wrong with today, but it has been such a horrible day for so many of my BL friends. I wish I could change it for all of us! Well my day has been horrible and I hate feeling like this. Juan announced that he doesn't want any more babies. I am praying that he is just having a bad day too, but part of me can't help but to believe him. I have dealt with all these stupid hormones associated with Clomid for what? A chance NOT to try this month. Oh I am so mad, hurt and tired right now. Why can't I just have my baby back? Why did he have to be taken from me. I really am not that strong. I honestly think God made a mistake when he chose me to be the mother of a perfect angel. Well, and if he didn't, I sure could use a little more help from him right now. I feel so alone. When will this all end???

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I have been so excited about the possibility of having another baby and Juan has even decided it is time to TTC. The last couple of months I have used OPKs and I found out that I am not ovulating, so I spoke with my doctor and he decided to try Clomid for a few months. Tomorrow is my last day of taking Clomid and on Saturday we are supposed to start DTD every other day (I know TMI.) Can I just say I have become so scared! I have become teary-eyed just admitting it. I have such a desire to have another baby to love and hold. Well and I know a Rainbow would help to bring closure to my loss of Juanito. A Rainbow could never replace my sweet angel, but it would help to heal the guilt I have in failing my son. Not being able to keep him safe while he was forming and growing inside me. But regardless of how badly I want a Rainbow I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it! I'm so scared of losing another one. I have an amazingly strong friend who just lost her 3rd baby boy and I just don't know if I am as strong as her. Am I being selfish? Should I just thank God for the 3 amazing miracles he has given me and move on with life? Do I try and if I get pregnant what? Can I keep a future baby safe? What will I do if I lose another one? Have I pushed to hard? I have all these questions running through my head and I can't seem to rationalize an answer to any. I am so scared and I need strength!!! God please help me to find strength and answers. Please help me to find peace in my heart. Please help me to to stay strong for both my family and a possible future Rainbow.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

A future for Tomorrow

Haley, a wonderful friend of mine growing up suffered from an eating disorder. She has written a book about it and has become such an inspiration to so many. Go check out her blog and the trailer.

You can also enter to win a contest!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I need adivce

We are in the process of ordering Juanito's headstone and we are not sure what to put for his name. I have added a poll on the right hand side of my blog and I will leave it open for awhile. What would you do?

Juan Ramirez

Juanito Ramirez

Juan (Juanito) Ramirez

I hate not being able to make decisions! I used to be really good at it, but now I am afraid that I am going to make the wrong decision. So I would greatly appreciate some advice!!!

****The Poll was being retarded, so I removed it. I will try and fix it tomorrow sometime. Just leave me a comment PLEASE!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Juanito's Special Place

The kids and I rode up to the cemetery this morning and took some pictures with Juanito. Mitch did not want to cooperate, but we were still able to get some pretty good ones. Juan had to work so he was unable to be there with us, but hopefully next year his headstone will be in place and we can get some family pictures.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Happy 5 Month Birthday Sweet Baby Boy

Wow! Has it really already been 5 months? Time has flown by, yet I feel as if it is standing still. I can't believe it has alrady been 5 months since I held him, five months since my hopes and dreams of him shattered, five months since I started my new life. This has been the hardest months I have ever had to endure and trust me we have been through a lot!

Today was spent with my other children. We decided to come down and spend the night at my parents house. We went up and got Juanito's plot all decorated at the cementary. It looks so nice. I am going to dress the kids up and take pictures of them with his placque tomorrow morning. I will post pictures Tuesday when we get home. We have also talked to a couple of people about his headstone. I hope to have that in by Memorial Day of next year. I can't wait to have a real place to call his own. I just wish it could be the bedroom next door to mine instead of a hard piece of ground in the middle of nowhere. But at least I will have a place of reflection where I can go visit and cry for my baby, decorate cute just for him, and make with all my love. At least I will have something that I can do in honor of my precious angel. I love and miss you so much baby bird. Give Chloe a big squeeze from me and tell her I am so sorry!

Now on to the results of the giveaway...........

I used and the number that was chosen was the number 1.
Congratulations to Megan!!! Let me know which one you would like and I will get it to you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

5 months, 50 followers and a Giveaway!!!

I finally have 50 followers!!! I told myself that when I reached 50 followers that I would hold a giveaway! It just so happens that I reached 50 followers the week that Juanito turns 5 months old. I just can't believe that it has been 5 months since I held my baby. It seems like it was just yesterday, yet it feels like it was forever ago. I miss him so much!!!

The winner of the giveaway will have the choice of a butterfly, a hummingbird, or a dragonfly solar light for your garden. They switch between 3 different colors. They are beautiful and so much fun to watch at night.

There are a few different ways you can enter the giveaway. For each entry leave a separate comment.

1) Leave my sweet baby a comment here.
2) Become a follower. If you already are just let me know.
3) Facebook about the giveaway.
4) Blog about the giveaway.
5) Add my button to your side bar.

The winner will be announced at the end of the day on May 29th. The day my sweet baby boy turns 5 months old.

Baby Bird,
It has been five long and agonizing months since you took flight. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! We had and still have so many hopes and dreams for you. I know you were chosen by God for another purpose, but that doesn't make the pain we feel any less. You will always hold a special place in our hearts. Happy five months in Heaven Baby Bird!!!

Daddy and Mommy

Monday, May 24, 2010

We have a winner!!!

Talisa Foster-Edmondson left me a comment on my facebook page. She guessed an Oriole and because I'm not 100% sure if our bird is and Oriole or a Warbler, I'm going to give it to her!!!

So, Juanito has decided that he would like a greenish/yellowish bird to represent him. I'm OK with that and I actually like the idea of him being my baby bird who has taken flight!

This is a picture of a Warbler, but our bird also looks like an oriole (I can't decide between the 2). The one that has been hanging out at our house looks just like this one other than it's colors are brighter. I have never seen a bird like this around our area before. I like to think my little guy brought him just for me!!!

So Talisa email or message me your address and I will get your prize out to you!

Juanito's Symbol...... Can you guess what it is?

I have found that many of my friends have something that represents their little angels. Butterflies seem to be the most popular of them all. Since I lost Juanito I have wanted to find something to represent him, but nothing ever seemed right. I know without a doubt that he would have been out little cowboy and I have considered using something western, but our 3 yr old is also our little cowboy and it just hasn't felt right. I just have not been able to place my finger on the perfect symbol.

I guess I have taken too long and Juanito has taken things into his own hands. The weather has been warming up (I am writing this as it is currently snowing.....) and all the little creatures have started coming out. It have really enjoyed sitting in the backyard watching everything spring to life. Over the past few weeks we have had a visitor in our yard that I have never seen before. He has been enjoying our Willow Trees and I feel like he has been "toying" with me. Every time I try to pull out the camera and snap a picture he hides. He is a little camera shy I guess. Then the other day I went to the store when I can out there he was again sitting by my truck. I just had to smile =) But the funny thing is that about 30 minutes later he was back at the Willow Tree playing on the branches. I googled this particular animal and found that it is not native to Utah. It is actually native to the Eastern US, so I am very curious as to how this little guy got here. I have enclosed a picture of him in another post and I will revile it later. For now I want you to guess as to what it is......

What the heck I will throw a prize in it for the first one who guesses it right!

Friday, May 21, 2010


If you have experienced a loss you have probably experienced being SILENCED as well. All of us BabyLossParents are writing to Oprah in hopes she will air a show on babyloss and how to console parents in mourning.THIS is not contagious,THIS is a tragedy. No race, religion or creed is exempt from this pain. POST THIS if you or someone you love experienced a loss. Please help us bring awareness. CLICK BELOW for Oprah's link

Many of us are posting this on our Facebook pages. Please if you have experienced a loss take 5 minutes and go to the link. It seriously only took me 5 minutes and I would love to see this as a topic on her show. This is her last season, so this is our last chance. Lets get the word out and teach the general public about babyloss.