Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Is it Denial? I need advice!

I find myself wanting to look for baby stuff. I feel an urgancy for it. I have a desire to decorate a nursery. I don't want to loose weight (although I desperately need to.) I find myself looking at maternity clothes at the store. I catch myself wanting to look up baby names. I'm afraid that I am still in denial with the loss of my son. It was 7 weeks ago yesterday that he came into this word. I'm honestly feeling like I am working through it and doing ok. I just don't understand this urgancy feeling I feel deep inside me. I feel desperate, but I'm not sure what for. I ache for my son and what he could have been. I ache for my other children who ask about him on a daily basis. I just plain ache! I know he is gone and that I won't get the opportunity to have him here on earth. I know that someday I will be with him again. I know that I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. I know all of that yet I am filled with this anxious desperate feeling. Is it normal? Am I ok? Do I secretly not want to let go of him and pretend like it hasn't happened? I honestly don't understand what is going on with me right now. I wish the insanity would stop and I could just move forward to the future or back to where everything was normal. To being pregnant and excited to welcome my sweet little baby into my home. I'm not sure what to do. Do I hurry up and get pregnant with a rainbow baby? Will that help my healing? I need some advice. What has worked for you? What has helped other baby loss moms deal with all of it? I just don't know where to go from here.


  1. I don't think it's denial. I think it's grieving and instinct - a mixture. Seven weeks is such a short time in the journey, and you will go through more of what might not seem to make sense. 17 months out and I still wonder about some of the things that I feel a need to do. Wishing to move forward to the future? It's such a baby lost mama thing to do, to wish time away, wishing our lives past these stages to a time where things are more within our control and more of what we want.

    Be easy on yourself, you're ok x

  2. I don't have any words of advice either, as it's only been 11 weeks since Matthew died and I also find myself doing those things.

    I don't think it's denial--more like something you have been so used to doing, at least for me. Something I spent so much time doing and was so happy's now just bittersweet.
    I agree, be kind to yourself. You are not going nuts; you miss your baby. That's completely normal.
    Hugs to you...

  3. It is so hard to say what might work and what might not as I think everyone handles grief differently. Sure, some things are the same but none of us think alike in every way. I knew that we would start trying again not long after Carleigh was born because I knew it was right for us. I knew the new life would not be a replacement but an addition.

    There will be times that are tougher than others. For me, there was only about a month around the 6 month mark that was tough. Otherwise, I feel pretty happy. I always miss her but I know that she would not want me to be sad and sitting around pining for her. She would want me to get out there and live my life! So that's what I do. I live for her. I am happy for her. But even then I still have moments where it overwhelms. They go as quick as they come.

    I don't think that any feeling is really abnormal with grief.

  4. I have 2 sister in laws that are pregnant and due in May and June. I find myself so drawn to their blogs even though I cry my eyes out when I see the progress on their pregnancies. I thinks its normal even though it seems terrible. I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer to the way we grieve. I still think about my angels due date and all the wonderful things I had planned for him. Let me know if ya need to talk.

  5. There is no rhyme or reason to grief, it does it's own thing and you're just along for the ride.
    The decision on when to get pregnant again is completely personal and can only be made by you. Just know that as wonderful as it will be, it will also be very hard.
    (please send me your email address and I'll get Juanito's name in the stars sent to you when I get it done.

  6. Michelle, I have no advice, just want you to know you are loved and I think the world of you.

    Lots of love,
    P.S. I think it is wonderful that you are able and willing to share your feelings. You are GREAT!