I am the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of 4 beautiful children here on earth and a sweet little angel in Heaven. Our lives haven't been easy, but I am so thankful for all of my many life experiences. They have helped me to learn, grow and become the person I am today!
I find myself wanting to look for baby stuff. I feel an urgancy for it. I have a desire to decorate a nursery. I don't want to loose weight (although I desperately need to.) I find myself looking at maternity clothes at the store. I catch myself wanting to look up baby names. I'm afraid that I am still in denial with the loss of my son. It was 7 weeks ago yesterday that he came into this word. I'm honestly feeling like I am working through it and doing ok. I just don't understand this urgancy feeling I feel deep inside me. I feel desperate, but I'm not sure what for. I ache for my son and what he could have been. I ache for my other children who ask about him on a daily basis. I just plain ache! I know he is gone and that I won't get the opportunity to have him here on earth. I know that someday I will be with him again. I know that I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. I know all of that yet I am filled with this anxious desperate feeling. Is it normal? Am I ok? Do I secretly not want to let go of him and pretend like it hasn't happened? I honestly don't understand what is going on with me right now. I wish the insanity would stop and I could just move forward to the future or back to where everything was normal. To being pregnant and excited to welcome my sweet little baby into my home. I'm not sure what to do. Do I hurry up and get pregnant with a rainbow baby? Will that help my healing? I need some advice. What has worked for you? What has helped other baby loss moms deal with all of it? I just don't know where to go from here.