I am the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of 4 beautiful children here on earth and a sweet little angel in Heaven. Our lives haven't been easy, but I am so thankful for all of my many life experiences. They have helped me to learn, grow and become the person I am today!
The other day I was really struggling with losing Juanito when I read a post that another BL mom had written. I was trying to rationalize through things in my own head while responding to her post and apparently I really offended her. It was not my intentions, but I did it. I deleted my original response and tried to apologize the best I could to her in a second response. Well I went back today and found she had responded. I hope she has accepted my apology, but all I can do is sit here a cry. I hurt so much over the lose of my baby and the thought that I possibly increased the pain of another BL mom is more than I can handle right now. I truly am sorry. I never intended to say something you didn't want posted. But I do have to say that it has helped me in knowing the God has greater plans for us rather they be here on earth or in Heaven with Him. My son is safe. He does not have to face the trials here on earth that the rest of us do. I do not know why some parents are spared from this pain while others have to endure it over and over. Nobody does, but someday I will have all the answers and more. I just have to learn patience.
I would like to apologize to any fellow bloggers out there that I may have offended. Every response that I write comes from my heart. I would never say anything intentionally to hurt you. If I do it is all a misunderstanding!
I do have to tell you that it is still under construction though. I went to school with the artist and let me tell you she is amazing. She is in the process of making a framed name for me to display with my family pictures that says Juanito. She goes out and photographs different "things" that are shaped like the letters of the alphabet and then makes frames with different sayings. She will work personally with you to capture the memory or feeling you want represented in the frame. If you choose to inquire just tell her the Michelle Averett Ramirez or Juanito's mom sent you. I promise you will not be sorry if you choose to have her make a personalized frame for you.
I saw this saddle with the rope and knew right away that it had to be the O in his name. I know with all my heart that he would have been his daddy's little cowboy. So I have decided to go with a western/cowboy theme. I can't wait to give it to Juan for our anniversary on May 5th!
and I hope that someday it will be again. Not this year though. Juanito's due date is quickly approaching and my nerves are slowly creeping up. I have never made it past 37 weeks pregnant, so that means at most I would have had 4 more weeks to go. I should be nesting right now and putting the finishing touches on everything. I should be washing baby clothes and double checking a carseat and crib. Making blankets with matching spit rags. I should be preparing my almost 3yr old for what is to come and talking to the 8 and 12 year olds about their growing responsibilities. Instead I am trying to explain to them (mostly the 3 year old) that the doctor didn't kill the baby. He helped mommy to deliver a baby that had died. We have packed up all the baby stuff and put it back into storage. We have taken everything baby out of our house. I just pray that we will be given one more chance to use our baby stuff and have that joy in our home again.
It hurts so much to see all this new life sprouting around me and all I was able to contribute was death! Juan brought home 10 baby chicks 2 days ago and we lost one yesterday. Death has cursed me. I can't find they joy in things like I used to.
Tuesday I go back under the knife to have the bone behind my left ear scraped. The infection is being so stubborn and antibiotics aren't touching it. It seems like misery has become my company. Well didn't it get the message that I don't like company to stay very long? Apparently not, cuz it won't leave.
Back to Spring. I hate Spring this year. I want it to fly by and Summer to get here fast. Although I am sure Summer will bring a whole load of different feelings. Hopefully some of them will be accompanying a pregnancy.
Prayers are greatly needed right now. Kerry is almost 24 weeks pregnant and is fighting with pre-eclampsia. She is not far from going into HELLP. Doctors have told her that there is little hope for her sweet little baby girl. She is in need of prayers right now!!! They are both in the fight of their lives!!!
Everyone knows that I am a 3rd grade school teacher at a local elementary here in Utah. We are a really close knit group and we are even good friends with regular substitutes. I was approached by one of our regular subs a couple of weeks ago and asked if I needed help with Juanito's Wish. I of course said yes without thinking twice. I had no idea what that yes was going to amount to. I assumed she was volunteering her services. Come to find out she is a stake camp director for girls camp this year and they need a humanitarian project that can be done in about 15-30 minutes. We are talking about 100's of girls. To fill you in, girl's camp is run by the LDS church. Girls from the ages 12-17 camp for about 3 days and learn basic survival skills and become closer to the Lord.
So back to the project.... I am in the process of compiling scripture verses, quotes and poems to put into a hope book. I am planning on putting these books in the memory boxes I make and donate.
I will have to have everything copied, cut, and ready for the girls to assemble. Each girl will make one book. Granted I do have a few months before this happens, but I am really nervous. I have never taken on a project this big by myself. I am so excited and blessed. The Lord knew I needed help, but I didn't realize it would be to this magnitude. I will have 100's of these books ready to donate to grieving families. Who know maybe Juanito's Wish is going to become a lot bigger than I ever expected.
So again I am asking for help in sending comforting words for families. I have a pretty good selection of bible verses, but I could always use more and I also need quotes and poems. Send them my way friends. The Lord knows I need all that I can get right now!!!
Exercise and I have found each other. These past few days I have been taking our 5 month old Husky mix out for walks. It has been a really nice break. I have had a couple of ankle surgeries the last year and a half, so I am taking it very slow. I just love the peace and quiet and the great company. We couldn't have chosen a better dog to add to our family. He is so calm and well behaved. He has these beautiful blue eyes and a really cool coat. Ok so this is not the best picture of him, but I am sure glad we decided to add him to our family. He is a great walking partner and he doesn't ask too many questions. He just lets me walk and think. I this is something I think I am going to keep doing as long as the weather allows it.
It's official . We have decided to put the house of the market and move. We both are from small towns and living in the city has finally got to us. I think it has taken us loosing Juanito to realize that life is so fragile and it can change in the blink of an eye. We want more for our kids. We want to give them opportunities that they won't have here. So the plan is that we will freshen up all the paint in the house and put it on the market. I don't see it selling for awhile, so I'm going to get 1 more year of teaching in and then we make the big move. We want to go down to Mexico for awhile and spend time with Juan's family. It has been 11 years since he has been home and it is time. He needs to spend some time with his grandma before it is too late. We also want the kids to live another culture. Their culture. See what life is like in other parts of the world. I have taken all 3 down there to meet the family and they loved it, but they have not lived it.
We then have decided to come and make our home in the town I grew up in. I am so excited to be able to make these transitions. I have always been afraid of what would happen if I left my job, but that's no more. I can't be afraid of the unknown. I just need to live life and give God the chance to show me the way. He is the only one who knows how thinks will turn out. I really feel at peace with this decision. I feel like it is what we are supposed to do. Life just has a way of taking control of itself and the less we fight the better it will be.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:5-6
I have received so much support lately and I owe many of you a HUGE Thank You!!! We have been repainting our house getting it ready to sell. Between trying to get that ready and working on Juanito's wish project I haven't thanked anyone. Just know it is coming and it will be a very long post!
FOR NOW KNOW I AM SO THANKFUL FOR ALL THAT THIS BABYLOSS COMMUNITY HAS DONE FOR ME!!!
So just after I got done writing my last post, I hope you don't assume anything by it, I just needed to vent. I have had some sweet friends show up to brighten my day. I had the parent of a student bring me a box of chocolates, a co-worker who had a baby in November and chose to stay home stopped by to give me some cuddle time with her sweet little guy and another friend who has had some hard trials brought me some homemade bread and quilt squares to donate the the afghan that is being made for my husband. Wow, God really does work miracles. It is just what I needed today. Nobody knows how badly I need friends to distract me right now. Thank you guys for being there for me.
I can't give details, but I feel as if my heart has been crushed again. I can't believe I allowed myself to get into this situation. What was I thinking? I mean who in their right mind would do this? Well I guess I wasn't in my right mind. I am an idiot! Stupid, Stupid me!!! Well I guess we reap what we sow.... right? Why did I even allow myself to be vulnerable? Oh wait, I lost a baby that's how. Worse part is I can't talk to anyone. Hatred is not a strong enough word to describe how I am feeling right now. Please God forgive me and allow me to find peace in my heart to go on. I don't think I have ever needed you more in my life than I do now. I am so sorry! I wish I could take it all back.
As a side note to those who read: No I have not done anything illegal.
OK my prayer request has now turned into a Pity-Party invitation. I've already had a few people volunteer to bring treats and movies...LOL I just have had a rough couple of days. I'm going through some hard feelings and I'm not sure how to interpret them. I attended the viewing of my friend's husband. I of course lost it and all I could do is bawl. I feel so bad for her and her sweet little girls. I feel as if the little pieces of my heart that I had managed to bandage back together have broken apart again.
I am also very angry! I don't think it is fair that I have to be so sick on top of trying to work through my loss. I am mad that I have to postpone trying for another baby again. I want to be able to do it on my own terms. Not schedule it around others. I guess ultimately it is up to God when I am blessed with another one. I am scared. I'm not sure of what, but I am feeling an overwhelming fear inside of me. I know I am scared of my upcoming surgery, but I sense it is more than that. I'm not sure where it is coming from. I just wish it would subside and allow me to move forward.
On top of all that Spring is right around the corner. I usually love Spring, but this year is so different. Don't get me wrong, I am so welcoming the sunshine and flowers, but I should also be welcoming a baby into our family too. I should be washing clothes, putting the finishing touches on the nursery and preparing myself for the many things that a new baby brings. Instead I am redoing a room with no purpose. I have no idea what color to paint the walls or even what decorations to put in it. I have an empty textured room with no ideas of what to do with it.
Well is that Pity-Party enough for you? I really could gone on, but I have griped enough for now. I am really hoping that God can help to bring me brighter days. I am in need of a break from this slump I have been in.
Well I have 2 requests for prayers. The first is for an old friend of mine. We worked together for 6 years at a local hospital. This last Saturday while she was at work her wonderful husband was watching their 9 year old daughter who is deaf and their 6 year old daughter who has a form of spina bifida. Midway into her shift she got a call that her husband was in the ER. He had a massive heart attack and unfortunately did not make it. She is such an amazing person and an inspiration to me. She is one who always puts the needs of others first. She has been an amazing mother to her 2 beautiful girls. She doesn't look at them as having special needs. They are normal little girls full of life. Her husband was the same way. They were an amazing couple. He supported her in ways that many women don't get. My heart is just breaking for her. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.
My second request seems so selfish to me after seeing what my friend is going through, but I am really feeling like I need your prayers. Ever since I lost Juanito I have been having health problems. My biggest problem are my ears and an ongoing infection in the bones behind them. I had tubes placed in my ears about a month ago, but they are not doing their job. Yesterday I went back to the doctor and he feels like the only option is to operate again. They will make an incision behind the ear lift it forward and scrape out the infected air cells in the mastoid bone. They can only do one ear at a time, so I will get to endure this twice. I am really bummed out. I was hoping to be able to try for my rainbow baby soon, but that does not look likely. My first surgery will be the end of this month. I then have to recover and go in for the next maybe in May.
I feel so selfish asking for prayers when there are families out there who need them more. I just am unsure what else I can do. It's been hard enough to be suffering from a broken heart, but having my health compromised with has made this journey very difficult. I am also feeling very guilty for wanting to try for another baby so soon. I never want to forget Juanito, but I feel like I have the room in my heart to love another one just as much as him. I am scared that as I get older my Hoshimoto's is going to take over and cause fertility problems. I'm already seeing signs of that happening. I guess this week is my week to have a great big pitty-party and you all are invited!
So I am in the process of putting little "hope" books together for Juanito's Wish memory boxes. Well I'm getting everything ready for some young women to assemble them. Who better to ask then other mothers who have experienced this very thing.
So what I am looking for are Scripture verses or quotes that have helped you through the process. I'm trying to make them non/all-denominational, so any scripture or quote will work. I actually really want them to come from every religion!!!
What has inspired you? What verses help you through each day? I need the "perfect" verses to put in this book for other baby loss moms. I have some poems, but I really want more. I want to make this a great place for grieving families to look to for comfort and support.
It has been 2 months since we lost our Juanito. Can I just say what a roller coaster ride of emotions.
I am so thankful that he was one of the chosen spirits and didn't have to face the trials we have to face here on earth. He is so lucky to get the privilege of returning directly to our Father in Heaven. It is such a honor to be a parent of one of those spirits. I can't believe God would choose me. He has that much faith in me? He really thinks I am that strong? Wow! I can't even comprehend what he has in store for me. I hope I don't let Him down.
I can't think of much more at this point to put as a positive. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I miss my baby so much and instead of it getting easier, I think it is getting harder. As Spring creeps closer I begin to think of all the things we would be doing as a family. All the little milestones I am missing out on. Who would he look like now? Would he be a good baby? These things I will never know. I won't get that chance. I have been robbed of ever getting to know my baby here on earth. He is gone and I have to deal with that every moment I am awake and he has now invaded my dreams. I've started obsessing in my dreams over that horrible day that I delivered. I hate that I don't even get a break right now. At least before I drempt about other things, but right now all I dream about is being pregnant and going to the hospital and loosing my baby.
These past few days has been really hard on Juan too. He has hit the stage where he is mad at the world. He has been my rock and to see him like this is killing me. I know he needs to grieve his son, but I hate to see him so angry. It makes me want to be mad too. I am mad. I am mad that we even have to be grieving our son. I am mad that we have to start all over and possibly not even enjoy the process. I am mad that Gad had to choose us. I am mad that my other children have to go through this. I am mad that I can't stop obsessing. I AM MAD!!!
On top of being mad, I am am emotional wreck. A woman, not paying attention because she was talking on her cell phone and going way to fast might I add, nearly hit my 2 yr old. My 12yr old was holding his hand a crossing the parking lot at Kmart. I freaked out and started bawling. Before I would have cussed the woman, but been thankful nothing happened, but now even the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I cry at the drop of a hat. I can't stand to see newborns or pregnant women and living in Utah makes that especially hard. Everyone is pregnant here.
Ok so I have to remind myself that it has only been 2 months. I am doing ok and I will get through this. I just have to remind myself every day of that. Sweet baby boy, mommy misses you more that words can express. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again.