Monday, March 1, 2010

2 months

It has been 2 months since we lost our Juanito. Can I just say what a roller coaster ride of emotions.

I am so thankful that he was one of the chosen spirits and didn't have to face the trials we have to face here on earth. He is so lucky to get the privilege of returning directly to our Father in Heaven. It is such a honor to be a parent of one of those spirits. I can't believe God would choose me. He has that much faith in me? He really thinks I am that strong? Wow! I can't even comprehend what he has in store for me. I hope I don't let Him down.

I can't think of much more at this point to put as a positive. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I miss my baby so much and instead of it getting easier, I think it is getting harder. As Spring creeps closer I begin to think of all the things we would be doing as a family. All the little milestones I am missing out on. Who would he look like now? Would he be a good baby? These things I will never know. I won't get that chance. I have been robbed of ever getting to know my baby here on earth. He is gone and I have to deal with that every moment I am awake and he has now invaded my dreams. I've started obsessing in my dreams over that horrible day that I delivered. I hate that I don't even get a break right now. At least before I drempt about other things, but right now all I dream about is being pregnant and going to the hospital and loosing my baby.

These past few days has been really hard on Juan too. He has hit the stage where he is mad at the world. He has been my rock and to see him like this is killing me. I know he needs to grieve his son, but I hate to see him so angry. It makes me want to be mad too. I am mad. I am mad that we even have to be grieving our son. I am mad that we have to start all over and possibly not even enjoy the process. I am mad that Gad had to choose us. I am mad that my other children have to go through this. I am mad that I can't stop obsessing. I AM MAD!!!

On top of being mad, I am am emotional wreck. A woman, not paying attention because she was talking on her cell phone and going way to fast might I add, nearly hit my 2 yr old. My 12yr old was holding his hand a crossing the parking lot at Kmart. I freaked out and started bawling. Before I would have cussed the woman, but been thankful nothing happened, but now even the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I cry at the drop of a hat. I can't stand to see newborns or pregnant women and living in Utah makes that especially hard. Everyone is pregnant here.

Ok so I have to remind myself that it has only been 2 months. I am doing ok and I will get through this. I just have to remind myself every day of that. Sweet baby boy, mommy misses you more that words can express. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again.


  1. I am with ya! My heart still aches everyday and it has been 3 months for me. I know the mad feeling because that is where I am. It is so hard to see babies and pregnant mommys. I am surrounded by it....2 sil and my sister. But this has to get better right??? You are still in my prayers.

  2. Michelle, this post totally gave me chills, your love for Juanito, so beautiful. I am so blessed by your blog, and the way you are honoring your son. It's beautiful what you said about being chosen. I can feel your heartache for your husband. I'm so sorry that you have to see him in so much pain. I know that for me, seeing my family's sorrow was almost greater than my own. I am praying right now that God would bless your family with comfort, peace, and in time even joy again, for you and for Juan. Lovingly in Christ, Kristie