Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pity-Party

OK my prayer request has now turned into a Pity-Party invitation. I've already had a few people volunteer to bring treats and movies...LOL I just have had a rough couple of days. I'm going through some hard feelings and I'm not sure how to interpret them. I attended the viewing of my friend's husband. I of course lost it and all I could do is bawl. I feel so bad for her and her sweet little girls. I feel as if the little pieces of my heart that I had managed to bandage back together have broken apart again.
I am also very angry! I don't think it is fair that I have to be so sick on top of trying to work through my loss. I am mad that I have to postpone trying for another baby again. I want to be able to do it on my own terms. Not schedule it around others. I guess ultimately it is up to God when I am blessed with another one. I am scared. I'm not sure of what, but I am feeling an overwhelming fear inside of me. I know I am scared of my upcoming surgery, but I sense it is more than that. I'm not sure where it is coming from. I just wish it would subside and allow me to move forward.
On top of all that Spring is right around the corner. I usually love Spring, but this year is so different. Don't get me wrong, I am so welcoming the sunshine and flowers, but I should also be welcoming a baby into our family too. I should be washing clothes, putting the finishing touches on the nursery and preparing myself for the many things that a new baby brings. Instead I am redoing a room with no purpose. I have no idea what color to paint the walls or even what decorations to put in it. I have an empty textured room with no ideas of what to do with it.

Well is that Pity-Party enough for you? I really could gone on, but I have griped enough for now. I am really hoping that God can help to bring me brighter days. I am in need of a break from this slump I have been in.

5 comments:

  1. I've had a few of my own pity parties before. Hoping that you have some brighter days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think we are all entitle to our pity parties in this grief. I am sorry that spring is bringing such raw feelings for you. I know it must be hard. Spring is bringing me my Jenna's first birthday in Heaven, and I am dreading it's approach. I really hope your heart can find some peace and that the fear will subside. Sending you *big* HUGS

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wishing goodness in all areas of your life and you have nothing to fear.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's perfectly ok to have pity parties! I think it's only natural that we would.

    Thinking of you and hoping everything goes well for your surgery.

    ReplyDelete