Saturday, March 27, 2010

Spring used to be my favorite time of year....

and I hope that someday it will be again. Not this year though. Juanito's due date is quickly approaching and my nerves are slowly creeping up. I have never made it past 37 weeks pregnant, so that means at most I would have had 4 more weeks to go. I should be nesting right now and putting the finishing touches on everything. I should be washing baby clothes and double checking a carseat and crib. Making blankets with matching spit rags. I should be preparing my almost 3yr old for what is to come and talking to the 8 and 12 year olds about their growing responsibilities. Instead I am trying to explain to them (mostly the 3 year old) that the doctor didn't kill the baby. He helped mommy to deliver a baby that had died. We have packed up all the baby stuff and put it back into storage. We have taken everything baby out of our house. I just pray that we will be given one more chance to use our baby stuff and have that joy in our home again.

It hurts so much to see all this new life sprouting around me and all I was able to contribute was death! Juan brought home 10 baby chicks 2 days ago and we lost one yesterday. Death has cursed me. I can't find they joy in things like I used to.

Tuesday I go back under the knife to have the bone behind my left ear scraped. The infection is being so stubborn and antibiotics aren't touching it. It seems like misery has become my company. Well didn't it get the message that I don't like company to stay very long? Apparently not, cuz it won't leave.

Back to Spring. I hate Spring this year. I want it to fly by and Summer to get here fast. Although I am sure Summer will bring a whole load of different feelings. Hopefully some of them will be accompanying a pregnancy.

7 comments:

  1. Sending you LOTS of LOVE! xx

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  2. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. My prayers are with you.

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  3. Michelle, I'm so sorry that this infection is being so stubborn. When I read your words, that all you contributed was death, I felt so sad that you feel that way. I know we can feel so worn out, especially when we are not doing well physically, but try to remember that Juanito's purpose was not just to create momentary physical death. His spirit is alive and well, sending blessings through the skys of Heaven. Though I know it's hard to connect to that when they aren't in our arms. Remember that he is overflowing with love and joy and peace, remember that he is blessed by the presence of God through and through and that he waits joyfully thinking of the day you will touch his hand again. Spring is not a season you may be ready for, but if for only one thing I hope that it can remind you of the life and joy that Juanito is bringing heaven this moment...

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  4. I am sorry that Juanito is not here with you. It just doesn't seem fair. ((HUGSS) to you my dear and I will continue to pray that your health gets better. I hope all goes well with your surgery, please keep us posted.

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  5. I couldn't agree more! The hardest part was when Connor moved into his big boy bed. Instead of moving the crib into my room we had to pack it away:( Things have to get better tho right!!

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