Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I held a baby today.

One of my student's mom comes in once a week and teaches a JR achievement lesson. She had a baby in February. We had spent the majority of the school year talking about our pregnancies and how excited she was especially because she had a MC before she got pregnant this time. Well then I lost Juanito and she stopped comming in as much because she didn't want to upset me. I understood and I was thankful. I couldn't bare to see her ready to deliver and still keep it together for my students. Well since she has had the baby she has always come in when the baby was sleeping and kept her covered up, so I wouldn't have to see her.

Well today the little one had other plans. She slept through a big portion of the lesson, but decided that she wanted to see what was going on. I was forced to get her out of her carseat and hold her. I was OK. She is cute and I had fun snuggling with her. I didn't even shed a tear. It was as if nothing bad had ever happen to me and I was back to normal. I was so proud of myself !!!

Well it has now be a couple of hours and my arms are aching to hold a baby. I feel a desperation to have a baby in my arms. What was I thinking? What I could just go back to like it was before. Holding a baby, having fun and then giving it back?!?! Well that didn't happen and now I am screwed!!! I am left with an emptiness in both my heart and arms. Will this ache ever go away?

8 comments:

  1. Michelle, my arms ache so badly....you remember my post saying i invented a disorder for angel mommies...E.A.S (empty arms syndrome) i want a baby so badly....i want to hold MY baby so badly...im so sorry you had yet another day of triggers...maybe Juanito wanted to let you hold a baby today so he woke her up maybe he is giving you a sign for you to be ready for a rainbow...i dont know i keep trying to find all these signs that alyssa sends...i think its just helping me to cope ((hgus))

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  2. i am so sorry, Michelle. I remember having achy arms, and the emptiness is excruciating. i remember the first time iheld a baby (boy, have yet to hold a girl) it was healing but it left me feeling so empty. thinking of you and your precious Juanito
    XO

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  3. ((hugs)) Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy.

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  4. Thinking of you. I have that ache too and I don't want to hold any babies until one is mine. :( I hate it. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Awe, that must have been hard - I have not held a baby under about a year yet and I hope I don't have to. My arms ache as well, hugs.

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  6. Aching with you and praying for some peace for your heart!!!

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  7. I'm glad you did well in holding the baby. It really can make your arms ache.

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