Tuesday, April 20, 2010

One of those days...

I have a couple of blog awards that I need to post about, but today is not the day for that. Much thanks to those who sent them my way. I will post when I am feeling a little more up. This evening is turning out to be one of those that just get you down. My students where especially talkative today and I had some important things I needed to cram into their little heads before end of year testing started and the little stinkers felt like talking would be better.

I was so looking forward to coming home and relaxing with the family. My cute hubby got home early today, so we hung out under the shade of our willow tree for and then decided that the poor chickens need some new straw. So we made a little place for them to hang out so we could change the straw. One of the biggest ones was acting kind of funny. He wasn't spooking like the others, so I picked him up and started caressing him. I told my husband I thought something was wrong, but he just said he was still recovering from when our puppy got in and played too rough.
***Oh I forgot to post it, but Bear our amazingly calm dog killed 4 of the chickens including the chick that I took the pictures of the egg with. I was devastated, but Juan went out and bought some to replace them that very day. We had 17 then one more died a few days later, so we were down to 16.

OK so any way I was holding it and Juan needed something so I put it down. When I put it down it took a few steps forward stumbled and started seizing. It died right there in front of me. I've had to hide the pain, but it broke my heart. I kept asking Juan if it was something I did, but he said no that it looked like it had been stepped on, but I don't know how????? Well that just started it off. I have been reminded over and over this past week and a half that I should be very pregnant or holding a sweet baby boy in my arms. Everyone I know has started delivering their babies and making happy posts about the days to come and I am forever reminded that I will not have that happiness this year.

My oldest will be turning 12 in less than a month and my baby will be 3. I am really having a hard time seeing them grow up. This has never affected me before. I have never been one of those moms who breaks down when they see the little one off to their first day of Kindergarten. Don't get me wrong I missed them terribly and couldn't wait to hear all about their day, but I have always been one to hide my tears. Well not anymore. I am devastated that they are growing up. I am not ready to move forward yet time is not standing still for me. I miss my baby and I want him so badly!!! For my sake I just need this next month to fly by and get past these "celebrations'' before I loose it completely.

Baby boy mommy loves you and misses you so much. I am so sorry that I could not keep you safe. I would have done anything had I known. I know God has bigger plans for you, but today that does not bring me comfort. I am doing my best to do good in your name and I promise I won't let you down sweet boy.
xoxo,
Mommy


4 comments:

  1. Oh Michelle I am so sorry about your chick and chickens...seeing another loss can not help the feelings you are having for Juanito...I can imagine how hard it is to see your children growing before your eyes...remembering when they were babies and being there for them...they will always need you, especially a loving caring mother like you..I wish I had a mother like you..."celebrations" dont seem so happy for us right now, i can relate...the friend i posted about that was due any day with her son, gave birth this weekend...the same day i was making angel posters for the march of dimes walk for my angel alyssa and all her angel friends she brings a healthy baby into this world..and as happy as i am she isnt a member of this group, i cant help but be reminded of what i DONT have in my arms...im with you at this time...please write to me if you need to talk i am here...you deserved that award from me, because your words do help...and i want to be here for you too..xoxo ((hugs))

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  2. So very sorry about everything. I'm sure it's hard to see your children growing up. It's a reminder of how fast time is going by and I wish you had your Juanito with you. Sending you lots of hugs & loving thoughts! XO

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  3. i'm so sorry, Michelle. i wish i could give you a hug. a month to the date that Jenna was born my sweet kitty died. and then another month later my parents' dog died while in our care, it was devastating. those reminders hurt so bad. wish i could say something to lift your broken heart. prayers & love

    XO

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  4. So sorry about the chick and your bad day.As the mother of an angel baby myself, I know that the first year after loss can be especially hard. I'm praying for you and hope tomorrow is better.

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