I did it and I survived. I tried so hard to pull myself out of it emotionally and use my nursing experience to tell the story. I stayed as technical/medical as I possibly could and tried not to get into the emotional side of it too much. That really helped. Although I felt very guilty afterwards. I know Juanito would not be mad. He knows how hard this is for me and he understands, but I couldn't help but feel bad that I couldn't cry and be more open about my feelings. The house was full of people and had I lost it in front of all of them it just wouldn't have been a good idea. So I buried my feelings and explained things like I would have to a patient or a co-worker.
I am very grateful for those 7 years I worked on Labor/Delivery and Mom/baby. I learned so much about how pregnancies and birth work. There is no guarantee in life. Things that are going so smoothly can change drastically. Babies that you would think will never make it pull through and do great. Life is such an unknown. Had I not had those 7 years I would have blamed myself for losing Juanito. I suffered 2 hemorrhages which caused my son to pass away, but with the knowledge I have I know there is nothing I could have done to cause or stop them.
We all have our ways of coping and dealing with things and I guess I have found mine. As Spring comes full board I will find myself having to explain the lack of a belly or newborn baby more and more. When Juan and I were married in the church in September we announced to all our family and friends that we were expecting. Since then we have sheltered ourselves and have only told those on a need-to-know basis. The next couple of months are going to be rough, but I know I have my sweet baby bot by my side holding my hand. He will help me through this.