Monday, April 12, 2010

Telling Juanito's story

Well I did it and I was able to get through it without completely loosing it. We went to visit our youngest Goddaughter yesterday. She is so stinking cute!!! She turned 1 in October, but she is about the size of a 9 month old. Both her parents are really short, so it's ok. Well during our visit her grandma from mom's side showed up. She knew I had been pregnant, but was unaware that I had lost Juanito. She said for as far along as you are you sure are not showing. I looked around quickly for a hole to climb into, but since there where none I had to face her and tell his story.

I did it and I survived. I tried so hard to pull myself out of it emotionally and use my nursing experience to tell the story. I stayed as technical/medical as I possibly could and tried not to get into the emotional side of it too much. That really helped. Although I felt very guilty afterwards. I know Juanito would not be mad. He knows how hard this is for me and he understands, but I couldn't help but feel bad that I couldn't cry and be more open about my feelings. The house was full of people and had I lost it in front of all of them it just wouldn't have been a good idea. So I buried my feelings and explained things like I would have to a patient or a co-worker.

I am very grateful for those 7 years I worked on Labor/Delivery and Mom/baby. I learned so much about how pregnancies and birth work. There is no guarantee in life. Things that are going so smoothly can change drastically. Babies that you would think will never make it pull through and do great. Life is such an unknown. Had I not had those 7 years I would have blamed myself for losing Juanito. I suffered 2 hemorrhages which caused my son to pass away, but with the knowledge I have I know there is nothing I could have done to cause or stop them.

We all have our ways of coping and dealing with things and I guess I have found mine. As Spring comes full board I will find myself having to explain the lack of a belly or newborn baby more and more. When Juan and I were married in the church in September we announced to all our family and friends that we were expecting. Since then we have sheltered ourselves and have only told those on a need-to-know basis. The next couple of months are going to be rough, but I know I have my sweet baby bot by my side holding my hand. He will help me through this.


9 comments:

  1. Oh michelle :( ((((((hugs)))))) i know its tough having to explain why our bodies didnt get the memo about what happened...i feel like i protect myself sometimes by staying in this house because i dont want strangers in the street to look at me and wonder how far along i am...i mean i really went down for it just being 7 weeks but i still have a bump, it looks like its a 3 or 4 month bump...the bump i used to stick out so people would stare is the one i know hide in shame that my baby is gone...juanito is proud of how you handled it, he may be the one who gave you the words to say...i wish you didnt have to explain to people what happened because when we do we relive it all the time....thinking of you today

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so proud of you! I think it really helps heal us to talk about our little angels!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Telling people is one of the hardest parts. I ask my parents to tell as many people as they could, so that I wouldn't have to, because it was just too hard to say. I've gotten better at telling Cora's story now, after nearly four years of practice. But sometimes, I still just wish that everyone would just know so it wouldn't have to be explained.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You had the strength to tell your story, and however you did it, Juanito understood. I'm just sorry you have to tell this story at all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll be back to read your post but I wanted to pop over real quick and respond to your comment you left.

    Did you ever take the flowers back out of the lady's yard who took it?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you again for the beautiful egg. You are so very thoughtful. I'm so sorry you are dealing with grief. I know it's so hard. I pray you'll feel the love of the Father that sees every tear and wants to hold you and carry you through this season of mourning.
    Warmly,
    Christy

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's ok if you don't cry in sharing his story. Most of the time if I talk about Carliegh's I don't cry. It's not that I'm missing her or loving her or detaching myself. I'm just at a point where I can share it now (most of the time) without tears. And there are still those times when the tears build up and that's ok too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Commenting back to your comment. :)

    Well, can't say I really blame you for doing that! lol Serves her right for stealing them. (Is that bad of me to say?) Yeah, I would rather someone take something from our yard than from our daughter's grave. That's just WRONG!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you for sharing your precious Juanito with us, Michelle...I love all of the beautiful things you have in his memory. (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete