Juan took to Dylan immediately and it was almost love at first sight. A few months after we were married Juan and I ran into E at the park. E tried to grab Dylan from his stroller and walk off with him while saying a few choice words at me. When Juan stepped in and said he had no right to treat me with disrespect. E responded with I had her first I can treat her however I want. Juan knew he couldn't say much about Dylan at that point, but I was HIS wife and no one was going to disrespect me. He put an end to it quickly. Juan lost all respect for E that day. About 4 years after Juan and I had been married E decided to terminate his rights. E hadn't hardly seen Dylan in that time and he was in a very bad place in his life. He made the most selfless act he had ever done and I can't even explain how that made me feel. Well about 6 months later Juan was able to adopt Dylan and I never had to worry again about my family being torn apart again. (Wow I am shaking so hard right now as I write this.) We have been one big happy family only having to worry about our own problems and needs. We knew we would never have to worry about sharing Dylan again.
Fast forward a few years. While celebrating the 4th of July with my family we were wondering the park and the kids were off playing games when we run into E and his new wife. He asks for Dylan and all I can say is he is with his cousin. Juan was furious at me. He felt like I needed to tell E off. E no longer had the right to ask for Dylan. He choose to give those up. Juan's protectiveness came full force and we just had to leave. We let E ruin a perfectly wonderful day yet again. Well we have run into E and his family a handful of times since. I still love his family very much. We have had 1 visitation with them a few years ago when E's parents came up from Mexico. I just adore his parents and I would do anything to give them and Dylan the opportunity to know each other. That went well. I felt kind of awkward, but I think that is to be expected. E was not there while I visited with his parents, so that helped. Before I get to the point of this blog I have to add that through all of this E has only once been the one to try and set up visitations. Every other time it was his brother or his aunts. E never put forth effort to see Dylan, but he was really good at making excuses.
Ok fast forward another few years and I suddenly get e message on myspace. It was E's wife. Not E, his wife! She wanted to be my friend so they could see Pictures of Dylan. I figured if I was in their position I would want to see pictures of my son too, so I agreed. She contacted me several times over the next few months but she started asking if they could see Dylan and at one point she contacted Dylan directly. That really upset Dylan. I started feeling very uncomfortable at that point. It was so hard to even know what to do. I prayed really hard and had not felt a strong feeling either way. So I decided to ask Juan. He immediately said No. Well that answered everything. So I just let things be. I kept getting messages here and there asking how Dylan was and how our family was. I would reply. I am not a mean person and I can't be rude to people. If I feel like they genuinely care I will be nice regardless of who they are.
Well a few weeks ago I got one of those messages and in it she told me that E's mom would be coming to visit in April and she would really like to see Dylan. Talk about having the air knocked out of you. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I really wanted Dylan to see her, but that meant possibly having to see E and I was not sure Dylan was ready for that yet. I have been racking my brains on how I could arrange a meeting with grandma without having to see E and his wife, but there is no way around it. Since I have become more open and even talked to Dylan about it. Dylan would like to meet his Grandma and his half sister. He said he was very nervous about seeing E again and he did not want to meet E's wife. I respect that. Dylan is 12 years old and for the most part old enough to make these decisions. About 2 days ago I got a message that Grandma had arrived and she really wanted to see Dylan. Well there's another punch to the stomach. I was hoping I would have a little bit more time.
So yesterday when Juan got home I approched him. He was not happy, but he was willing to listen. He agrees that it is not grandmas fault, but he does not like the idea. I told him that Dylan was curious and I felt strongly that we needed to allow him the chance to see how he feels about it. So here I am freaking out because they are coming over tomorrow. E is respecting Dylan's feelings and not bringing his wife. I am so worried for my baby boy. As far as I got I love E for the wonderful gift he gave me, but that is were it ends. I am madly in love with Juan and we are happy. That is something I didn't get with E. I am perfectly fine from my stand point, but I am a wreck when it comes to Dylan. I don't want him to get hurt again. He is at such a hard age anyway. He is trying to discover himself and find the person he is going to be. He just doesn't need E coming back into his life only to hurt him again. I'm scared that Dylan will be left broken.
I also know E wants to talk to Juan and see if they can work things out. I don't think Juan will be very receptive and I worry about what will happen. Juan is finally grieving the loss of his son and he has said to me a few times he is worried he will hurt someone if they make him mad enough. He has a lot of built up anger and I worry he might release it all at once. I sure hope not. He is on antidepressants and he says that he is feeling better, so I will pray hard tonight that Juan can stay in control.
I am just so confused right now. By law E has not rights to Dylan, but Dylan is getting to the age where he can choose what he wants and he wants to see his sister and grandma. I can't completely deny that from him. I would be telling Dylan that his wants and needs are not important to me. So I will allow them to come tomorrow and pray that things work out the way they are supposed to. Who knows, maybe all Dylan needs is to see them once and his needs will be satisfied, but I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy.
OK there I put it out there for my friends and support to read. I am scared of what comments it may bring, but I am open to any and all suggestions. Anyone who has been in this type of situation or had a family member, what worked? I just don't know what to do!!!
During this lOOONG post I forgot to add that my husband never knew his dad and he has no desire to either, but he does ask from time to time how many brothers/sisters he has. So he really does understand what Dylan is going through and what he will go through. The difference is that Dylan does have a wonderful dad who couldn't love him more!!!