Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What am I getting myself in to?

. My oldest son is adopted by my husband. I had him when I was 17. I was with his biological father (will call him E) for 4 years. I truly loved him and I thought we would be together forever. Well he made decisions that I did not approve of for our son and ultimately he cheated on me with more than one person. I was so young and nieve that I didn't see the signs. I just knew that I loved him and we could make it work. On top of that I had fallen head over heals in love with his family. They were so good to me and treated me like I had always been a part of their family. They were always so quick to help out with Dylan and they always took my side if E and I had a fight or were arguing over something. Well in the end I made the toughest decision of my life, well next to deciding to keep my son rather than place him for adoption, and I left. I cut most of the ties with my new family and I became a single mom. I managed to graduate college as a single mom and raise Dylan with little or no help from E. Child Support was scarce and I lived the best I could. During that time I had to have help from the government just to survive. Then I met Juan.........
Juan took to Dylan immediately and it was almost love at first sight. A few months after we were married Juan and I ran into E at the park. E tried to grab Dylan from his stroller and walk off with him while saying a few choice words at me. When Juan stepped in and said he had no right to treat me with disrespect. E responded with I had her first I can treat her however I want. Juan knew he couldn't say much about Dylan at that point, but I was HIS wife and no one was going to disrespect me. He put an end to it quickly. Juan lost all respect for E that day. About 4 years after Juan and I had been married E decided to terminate his rights. E hadn't hardly seen Dylan in that time and he was in a very bad place in his life. He made the most selfless act he had ever done and I can't even explain how that made me feel. Well about 6 months later Juan was able to adopt Dylan and I never had to worry again about my family being torn apart again. (Wow I am shaking so hard right now as I write this.) We have been one big happy family only having to worry about our own problems and needs. We knew we would never have to worry about sharing Dylan again.
Fast forward a few years. While celebrating the 4th of July with my family we were wondering the park and the kids were off playing games when we run into E and his new wife. He asks for Dylan and all I can say is he is with his cousin. Juan was furious at me. He felt like I needed to tell E off. E no longer had the right to ask for Dylan. He choose to give those up. Juan's protectiveness came full force and we just had to leave. We let E ruin a perfectly wonderful day yet again. Well we have run into E and his family a handful of times since. I still love his family very much. We have had 1 visitation with them a few years ago when E's parents came up from Mexico. I just adore his parents and I would do anything to give them and Dylan the opportunity to know each other. That went well. I felt kind of awkward, but I think that is to be expected. E was not there while I visited with his parents, so that helped. Before I get to the point of this blog I have to add that through all of this E has only once been the one to try and set up visitations. Every other time it was his brother or his aunts. E never put forth effort to see Dylan, but he was really good at making excuses.
Ok fast forward another few years and I suddenly get e message on myspace. It was E's wife. Not E, his wife! She wanted to be my friend so they could see Pictures of Dylan. I figured if I was in their position I would want to see pictures of my son too, so I agreed. She contacted me several times over the next few months but she started asking if they could see Dylan and at one point she contacted Dylan directly. That really upset Dylan. I started feeling very uncomfortable at that point. It was so hard to even know what to do. I prayed really hard and had not felt a strong feeling either way. So I decided to ask Juan. He immediately said No. Well that answered everything. So I just let things be. I kept getting messages here and there asking how Dylan was and how our family was. I would reply. I am not a mean person and I can't be rude to people. If I feel like they genuinely care I will be nice regardless of who they are.
Well a few weeks ago I got one of those messages and in it she told me that E's mom would be coming to visit in April and she would really like to see Dylan. Talk about having the air knocked out of you. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I really wanted Dylan to see her, but that meant possibly having to see E and I was not sure Dylan was ready for that yet. I have been racking my brains on how I could arrange a meeting with grandma without having to see E and his wife, but there is no way around it. Since I have become more open and even talked to Dylan about it. Dylan would like to meet his Grandma and his half sister. He said he was very nervous about seeing E again and he did not want to meet E's wife. I respect that. Dylan is 12 years old and for the most part old enough to make these decisions. About 2 days ago I got a message that Grandma had arrived and she really wanted to see Dylan. Well there's another punch to the stomach. I was hoping I would have a little bit more time.
So yesterday when Juan got home I approched him. He was not happy, but he was willing to listen. He agrees that it is not grandmas fault, but he does not like the idea. I told him that Dylan was curious and I felt strongly that we needed to allow him the chance to see how he feels about it. So here I am freaking out because they are coming over tomorrow. E is respecting Dylan's feelings and not bringing his wife. I am so worried for my baby boy. As far as I got I love E for the wonderful gift he gave me, but that is were it ends. I am madly in love with Juan and we are happy. That is something I didn't get with E. I am perfectly fine from my stand point, but I am a wreck when it comes to Dylan. I don't want him to get hurt again. He is at such a hard age anyway. He is trying to discover himself and find the person he is going to be. He just doesn't need E coming back into his life only to hurt him again. I'm scared that Dylan will be left broken.
I also know E wants to talk to Juan and see if they can work things out. I don't think Juan will be very receptive and I worry about what will happen. Juan is finally grieving the loss of his son and he has said to me a few times he is worried he will hurt someone if they make him mad enough. He has a lot of built up anger and I worry he might release it all at once. I sure hope not. He is on antidepressants and he says that he is feeling better, so I will pray hard tonight that Juan can stay in control.
I am just so confused right now. By law E has not rights to Dylan, but Dylan is getting to the age where he can choose what he wants and he wants to see his sister and grandma. I can't completely deny that from him. I would be telling Dylan that his wants and needs are not important to me. So I will allow them to come tomorrow and pray that things work out the way they are supposed to. Who knows, maybe all Dylan needs is to see them once and his needs will be satisfied, but I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy.

OK there I put it out there for my friends and support to read. I am scared of what comments it may bring, but I am open to any and all suggestions. Anyone who has been in this type of situation or had a family member, what worked? I just don't know what to do!!!

**UDATE**
During this lOOONG post I forgot to add that my husband never knew his dad and he has no desire to either, but he does ask from time to time how many brothers/sisters he has. So he really does understand what Dylan is going through and what he will go through. The difference is that Dylan does have a wonderful dad who couldn't love him more!!!

7 comments:

  1. this defiantly isnt the same situation that i wasd in as a kid but my dad basically didnt want anything to do with me and didnt turn up to take us when he was sposed to. My mum would try to get me to see him but when i was about 11 or 12 i just decided thati didnt want anything more to do with him. He tried to get intouch with me a few times and aparently wants a nother chance but i made my decision that i didnt want to have anything to do with him and that was final. Maybe all he needs is to see them and he will make his own decision too. I am sorry i dont have any better advise. I really hope that everything goes well and dylan doesnt get hurt. Xxx

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  2. my cousin who is my age was in the same position when we were about 18..His birth father found him..My cousin Chris met up with him and his (new)wife..they got along okay..but they quickly lost contact. Chris said he was curious to see his dad, and talk to him, but he had enough people in his life that cared..so he is still indifferent about his birth father.. Maybe that is what will happen with your son.. let him meet his "other" family and then just continue with day to day life? I know as a mom its so hard to stick your kid out there like that.. :(

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  3. If you have been following my blog you know I have been estranged from my family and although Alyssa is gone now, while i was pregnant I said if and when she wanted to have a relationship with them I would allow her to because that was something they had denied me...I think you are doing the right thing by letting him decide. He may be 12, but believe me (i was him in some way when i grew up) he has matured because of what he has been through with his E he will know what makes him comfortable and what doesnt...Good luck, I know this is happening today and I cant wait to see how it played out...Hopefully for your son's sake it was ok

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  4. I have not been in your situation so I don't have much advice to offer. But I will say just try to to keep the conversation open with Dylan and make sure he knows that you and Juan will always be there for him no matter what. Best wishes! xx

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  5. I have no experience, I am so sorry. It is so tough. I sure hope that things go way smoother than you expected. You have already been through so much. XO

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  6. I have no experience, but will add in my 2 cents, you are so nice for even letting this be an option! he gave up his rights so he should be out of the picture...Grandma could be in the picture, and just grandma... You are a bigger person than I am and think that its wonderful you are open with Dylan too! ((hugs)) Hope things go well!

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  7. I have never experienced this but I am really sorry you and your family have to. I am sure you will know in your heart what is best for your son. ((HUGS))

    Thank you for Sami's easter picture, it is adorable.

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