Sunday, May 30, 2010

Juanito's Special Place

The kids and I rode up to the cemetery this morning and took some pictures with Juanito. Mitch did not want to cooperate, but we were still able to get some pretty good ones. Juan had to work so he was unable to be there with us, but hopefully next year his headstone will be in place and we can get some family pictures.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Happy 5 Month Birthday Sweet Baby Boy

Wow! Has it really already been 5 months? Time has flown by, yet I feel as if it is standing still. I can't believe it has alrady been 5 months since I held him, five months since my hopes and dreams of him shattered, five months since I started my new life. This has been the hardest months I have ever had to endure and trust me we have been through a lot!

Today was spent with my other children. We decided to come down and spend the night at my parents house. We went up and got Juanito's plot all decorated at the cementary. It looks so nice. I am going to dress the kids up and take pictures of them with his placque tomorrow morning. I will post pictures Tuesday when we get home. We have also talked to a couple of people about his headstone. I hope to have that in by Memorial Day of next year. I can't wait to have a real place to call his own. I just wish it could be the bedroom next door to mine instead of a hard piece of ground in the middle of nowhere. But at least I will have a place of reflection where I can go visit and cry for my baby, decorate cute just for him, and make with all my love. At least I will have something that I can do in honor of my precious angel. I love and miss you so much baby bird. Give Chloe a big squeeze from me and tell her I am so sorry!

Now on to the results of the giveaway...........

I used and the number that was chosen was the number 1.
Congratulations to Megan!!! Let me know which one you would like and I will get it to you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

5 months, 50 followers and a Giveaway!!!

I finally have 50 followers!!! I told myself that when I reached 50 followers that I would hold a giveaway! It just so happens that I reached 50 followers the week that Juanito turns 5 months old. I just can't believe that it has been 5 months since I held my baby. It seems like it was just yesterday, yet it feels like it was forever ago. I miss him so much!!!

The winner of the giveaway will have the choice of a butterfly, a hummingbird, or a dragonfly solar light for your garden. They switch between 3 different colors. They are beautiful and so much fun to watch at night.

There are a few different ways you can enter the giveaway. For each entry leave a separate comment.

1) Leave my sweet baby a comment here.
2) Become a follower. If you already are just let me know.
3) Facebook about the giveaway.
4) Blog about the giveaway.
5) Add my button to your side bar.

The winner will be announced at the end of the day on May 29th. The day my sweet baby boy turns 5 months old.

Baby Bird,
It has been five long and agonizing months since you took flight. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! We had and still have so many hopes and dreams for you. I know you were chosen by God for another purpose, but that doesn't make the pain we feel any less. You will always hold a special place in our hearts. Happy five months in Heaven Baby Bird!!!

Daddy and Mommy

Monday, May 24, 2010

We have a winner!!!

Talisa Foster-Edmondson left me a comment on my facebook page. She guessed an Oriole and because I'm not 100% sure if our bird is and Oriole or a Warbler, I'm going to give it to her!!!

So, Juanito has decided that he would like a greenish/yellowish bird to represent him. I'm OK with that and I actually like the idea of him being my baby bird who has taken flight!

This is a picture of a Warbler, but our bird also looks like an oriole (I can't decide between the 2). The one that has been hanging out at our house looks just like this one other than it's colors are brighter. I have never seen a bird like this around our area before. I like to think my little guy brought him just for me!!!

So Talisa email or message me your address and I will get your prize out to you!

Juanito's Symbol...... Can you guess what it is?

I have found that many of my friends have something that represents their little angels. Butterflies seem to be the most popular of them all. Since I lost Juanito I have wanted to find something to represent him, but nothing ever seemed right. I know without a doubt that he would have been out little cowboy and I have considered using something western, but our 3 yr old is also our little cowboy and it just hasn't felt right. I just have not been able to place my finger on the perfect symbol.

I guess I have taken too long and Juanito has taken things into his own hands. The weather has been warming up (I am writing this as it is currently snowing.....) and all the little creatures have started coming out. It have really enjoyed sitting in the backyard watching everything spring to life. Over the past few weeks we have had a visitor in our yard that I have never seen before. He has been enjoying our Willow Trees and I feel like he has been "toying" with me. Every time I try to pull out the camera and snap a picture he hides. He is a little camera shy I guess. Then the other day I went to the store when I can out there he was again sitting by my truck. I just had to smile =) But the funny thing is that about 30 minutes later he was back at the Willow Tree playing on the branches. I googled this particular animal and found that it is not native to Utah. It is actually native to the Eastern US, so I am very curious as to how this little guy got here. I have enclosed a picture of him in another post and I will revile it later. For now I want you to guess as to what it is......

What the heck I will throw a prize in it for the first one who guesses it right!

Friday, May 21, 2010


If you have experienced a loss you have probably experienced being SILENCED as well. All of us BabyLossParents are writing to Oprah in hopes she will air a show on babyloss and how to console parents in mourning.THIS is not contagious,THIS is a tragedy. No race, religion or creed is exempt from this pain. POST THIS if you or someone you love experienced a loss. Please help us bring awareness. CLICK BELOW for Oprah's link

Many of us are posting this on our Facebook pages. Please if you have experienced a loss take 5 minutes and go to the link. It seriously only took me 5 minutes and I would love to see this as a topic on her show. This is her last season, so this is our last chance. Lets get the word out and teach the general public about babyloss.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I didn't have a miscarriage.......

Ever since I lost Juanito I feel like I have had to prove that I did not have a miscarriage. I was 21 weeks. He was smaller because of the hemorrhage I suffered when I was 13 weeks. My placenta did not function like it should have, but I had to go through everything that I went through while having my other kids. I was half way there. I am just so furious that I constantly feel like I have to prove to everyone that I had to deliver him like a full term baby and that I just didn't go in for a D&C. Not that having a MC is any less just different. It is just as emotional and it is still a loss. I just want my justification that that is not what I went through!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Juanito's Afghan

When I got home from work yesterday there was a box from the post office waiting for me. I was so excited when I opened it and found this inside. Right after I lost Juanito I asked The Schuyler Blanket Blanket Project to make this Afghan for my husband! I have had so much support that I thought it would be nice to have something made just for him. I was going to wait to give it to him for Father's Day, but I really want to display it no, so he will get it tonight when he gets back from working out of town.

I just want to thank all of those who donated their time in making this blanket. These squares come from all over the world. I absolutely love it and I know there will be many days and nights that Juan and I use this blanket to keep us warm!

This last square was made by Tannamy, Schuylers mom. She had decorated Schuyler's room in ladybugs, so she knits a ladybug square for each afghan. I LOVEIT!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I never knew I was capable of experiencing this many and these types of emotions. Especially so close together or even at once. This is something I never wanted or asked for. I do not like it at all. One minute I can be laughing with a co-worker and the next feel hatred/disgust. I have felt so many emotions that I can not list them all. Click on the word emotions and you will find a list. I can guarantee that I have experienced the majority of them these past few months. This really takes a toll on a person. I feel like I have been living in the fight or flight mode for almost five months now. It is not a fun feeling! My body does not function right. My brain does not function right. My SOUL is not functioning right. I need off of this emotional ride and back on solid ground. I want to feel what solid ground feels like again. I want a taste of what a worry free life is like or at least not having to worry about loosing my baby. I want to breath fresh air again, but instead I am stuck breathing in the stale air of the baby loss world! I have never really wanted to return to my childhood before, but I would love to feel the carelessness I felt as a child. I want to have the innocence of my carefree days back. I want to be oblivious to all the hurt and pain that is felt in this world. I want to be free!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Decisions and Patience

Well Juan and I had "the talk" last night and I felt like we were able to come to a compromise. We have decided not to try, but not to prevent either. In the past I have been fertile mertile and I was able to get pregnant in a month or two, but times have changed so I am hoping to have a BFP within the next 6 months. It took 16 to get Juanito, so I need to be realistic. I just don't know if I can handle 16 months of disappointments before it happens and then be scared to death for another 8 (I have my babies early.) I guess I need to just leave it up to God and when He is ready to send us a baby it will happen. I just hope he takes our heartache into consideration when he plans things for us.

I have noticed that he has been kind to many BL families out there and they are on thier way to having their rainbow babies. I want to congratulate each of them and let them know I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day Tragedy

A mother in mourning is in need of your prayers. Yesterday a one year old's siblings took her outside to play. A short time later her mom came out to move their car. She was unaware that her little girl was out there and she hit her. The little one died a short time later.

Please Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. I did not know them personally, but this is the worst tragedy a mother could ever go through!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The true meaning of Mother's Day and where it came from.

In 1870, Julia Ward Howe wrote and published a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War -- this was a protest led by WOMEN WHO HAD LOST THEIR SONS!!!!! It was bereaved mothers who started this!!!! Hallmark is WAY OFF the mark with the way this holiday is commercialized and propagated now, BUT in the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That's a different spin.

So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says "Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe

So there you have it. Mother's Day is about the loss of children. Mother's Day is our day! We have the right to celebrate it any way we wish. So I say to my fellow BL moms out there may you be filled with peace as you wake tomorrow morning and remember this day in whatever way it pleases you!!!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Rock bottom....

Is this what it feels like or is it going to get worse? Where do I go from here? How am I ever going to move forward? What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? Who is going to help me? Where do I go to get that help? When is this insanity going to end? How can I move forward if I feel like there is nowhere to go? How much can my family take before they break? Is anyone hurting like me? Does anyone feel the way I do? Does anyone understand me? Does anyone care that it hurts so bad? Am I hiding it well enough? Am I showing my weakness? Am i as miserable to be around as she is? Do I cause people unnecessary pain? I'm I a burden?


Friends I just wanted to let you know I had a big project planned for everyone for Mother's Day, but I am so sorry I don't think I am going to be able to do it. I feel horrible and I am so sorry!!!

Break Downs......

I hate unexpected break downs..... I really do. This week has been very stressful for me and I feel like I have been on constant break down mode. May is a very stressful month for teachers. End of year testing puts tons of pressure on us and many factors that affects the student's performance is out of our hands. I HATE end of year testing. I do not think it properly shows what a child knows and where they are at in their learning.

Aside from school Life has been hectic. May is such a busy month for us and I just wish I could bypass it all together. I'll give you the breakdown of the month.

May- My due date(s) I had 4, so I have no clue when he was due.
May 1st- Best friend's Little girl's Birthday Party
May 2nd- Mitch's Birthday/ IBLMD
May 3rd- Godson's Birthday
May 4th-Sister' Anniversary
May 5th- Our Anniversary
May 8th- Memory Walk/ Godson's Birthday Party
May 9th- Mother's Day
May 10th- Grandpa's Birthday
May 15th- Chilo's Birthday/Kid's Combined Birthday Party.
May 16th- Summer Bible study session begins
May 19th- Dylan's Birthday
May 22nd- Terin's Graduation
May 27th- Dylan's Graduation
May 28th-Last Day of School
May 31st- Memorial Day
June 1st- My second surgery

On top of those dates I have Primerica meetings every Wednesday and Saturday, I work 5 days a week, we have put our house on the market, we are looking for a house, we are painting/remodeling the house and we have been invited to several birthday/first communion/confirmation parties. I'm not trying to say mine is worse than yours. I'm just saying it is too much for me right now.

To top it all off, Mitch has been sick the past few days. He spiked a 104 temp last night. His breathing went up to 40, his heart rate stayed around 200 and his oxygen dropped to 78. I had to put him on 5L of oxygen for about 3 hours. I was able to get his fever to break and everything else improved but he was still on 2 1/2L of oxygen when I left for work this morning. Due to taking maternity leave (2 weeks) early I had to work, so Juan took the day off and stayed with him. He took him to the doctor and he was given a bunch of meds and sent home. Our regular Ped is out so I am a little nervous about the diagnosis.

So let me just say I am not doing too well. I lost it last night and cried for about 3 hours. Juan was so cute. He kept trying to come up with things to help cheer me up, but of course nothing worked. I was then up the majority of the night with Mitch, so I didn't get much sleep. I am a wreck today. I have a co-worker who lost her 21 year old son about 3 years ago. She has become extremely negative towards everything. Especially work. I don't blame her, but I have a very hard time not falling into her negativity. Lets just say I feel like she is hindering my healing. Our principal is new and he has uprooted the whole system and has caused havoc, so this co-worker has decided to rebel. I was standing in the lunchroom while her students were going through the line today. She of course was not in there and her kids were out of control. I had to get after them and stop the whole lunchroom just to get them back under control. I had a furry build up inside of me that I have never felt at work before and I came lose on her. I told her what I thought of how she was acting and that I was not going to be her personal babysitter. I was shaking so bad. I have never had this happen before. I don't agree with what she is doing, but I have personally prided myself with my self control and today I had none.

I am not OK. I am not dealing well with everything right now. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long time. I thought things were progressing pretty well, but I was wrong. I have digressed so much that I wonder how I am ever going to move forward. My heart hurts so much right now and I can't seem to come to grips with it all. I am going through just as rough a time if not rougher than when I lost Juanito. This is so hard!!!

I guess I just need to let the break downs come and hope that I can survive the rest of this month! Sorry about the ramblings. My thoughts are all jumbled and I am not even sure if this post makes sense, but at least I was able to get through it =)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Franchesca's Little Joseph

Just a quick update. I received an email from Franchesca today. Both her and her little Joseph are doing well. Joseph is healthy and happy and Franchesca is so relieved that everything went well. Keep her and little Joseph in your thoughts and prayers as they both recover from this blessed event.

I can't help but say I was giddy when I read her email. As much as I miss my little Juanito and as hard as it is to hear about babies, this hasn't been hard at all. When a BL mom gives birth to a healthy baby it gives me hope and happiness for both my family and theirs!!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Special Birthday for a Special Girl.

Today is Franchesca's sweet angel Jenna's 1st birthday. Jenna you are loved and missed so much! I know this is a hard time for Jenna's parents, so I am asking that you all keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Please say an extra prayer for Jenna's new little brother, Joseph. He was born yesterday and was a month early.

In honor of Jenna's birthday Fran has set up a giveaway on her blog. Go check it out and leave her a sweet message!

Weight Loss Wednesday

Well I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, but I haven't been able to do it. I saw that Shannon has jumped on board and so I figure I should too.

Let me start out by giving you a background on me and part of the reason I have gotten this way. After I delivered my 1st son I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I had lost all the weight I gained during the pregnancy, but when he hit 6 months it came back and I didn't know why. Well the low thyroid answered that. I was able to control my weight pretty good over the next few years, but I never did lose all of it after I went on the meds.

Almost 4 years later Adriana was born. Again I was able to lose the weight I gained, but I felt horrible! I had a hard time getting out of bed. I had NO energy and I began gaining weight for no known reason. I made an appointment and had my blood drawn. My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) came back at 101. Normal high is just under 5. I was sent to see specialists and I had a bunch of tests run. The final diagnosis was Hashimoto's Disease. I would be on meds the rest of my life and have difficulties from this disease.

I accepted the diagnosis the best I could, but I quickly found out how hard it would be. Losing weight was all but impossible. I have never felt"normal" since I was diagnosed. I have joint pain, irregular periods, exhaustion, memory loss, dry skin, loss of hair, bad teeth, etc...... This has been hard, but I would rather have this than many other diseases out there.

So let's fast forward to the present. I am now way overweight and I really want to feel better. I have decided to exercise with a friend 3 times a week and walk my dog 3 times a week. I am trying to change my diet and I AM COMMITTED!!! I am not quite ready to share my stats but I will tell you I want to lose 50 pounds by November and then another 20-30 by next summer. If I post here every Wednesday I think I will be more successful. Well that's what I hope anyway!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Illegal Immigration

Ok I know I said I wasn't going to be on here much anymore, but I'm at work and I have something bugging me, so I need to get it off my chest. The topic is Illegal Immigration.

I have been reading a lot of blogs and FB posts about the Arizona bill and Illegals in our country. Let me start off by first saying I am not for Illegal Immigration, but I think that the way our country has handled it is wrong. I am just going to put this out there..... My husband is here illegally!!! We have been trying for years to get his paperwork done, but the current system that we have in place makes if all but impossible to get it done. I guess if we wanted to separate our family and lose everything we own then we could do it, but we have worked way too hard and fought far too long for our family and what we have to do that. Our country's system is screwed up!! I know that many out there feel differently than I do and that's OK. I respect everyone's opinion, but remember everyone has one!

So this post is coming from the wife of an illegal. I first want to start off by saying I have never met a man so devoted to his family and their future than my husband. He has his flaws, but overall he is such an amazing person and I couldn't be more proud to be his wife. I have a very soft spot for Hispanics in general. I love their culture and the fact that they are so family oriented. I feel that because of the value they put on family is the reason why we have such a problem with illegal immigration into this country. They are coming from poor home lives where they have no chance at giving their children the lives they feel they deserve. They risk their lives to come to this country in hopes that their children will be better off than they are. They take jobs that no US citizen would ever do. (Ok this is where the argument that if they didn't come here then people would have to pay better wages for these jobs.... I agree.) They are willing to do whatever it takes for their families and I LOVE that!!! The majority who come here don't come to traffic drugs, commit crimes or cause us grief. They come here solely to better their situations.
I could go on for hours and there would be an argument for every comment I make. I know there is and many of them I believe. I know we have worked for centuries to build this country, but illegal immigration is what this country was built on. I don't think anyone had permission to come here, but I am sure glad they did. I am so glad that I have the opportunity to be a citizen of this country, but I am not proud of what my country is doing! Illegals are human beings! They are not some old dog we can just kick around. We need to find a human way to take care of the situation WE have allowed to happen. We have had the blinders on for so long that we have allowed this to take place. We can't just change some laws and think it is going to solve the problem. We need to fix what we have done and then stop it from happening again. Do I have the answer? No! I have ideas, but I alone can't come up with the perfect answer. An immigration reform would be wonderful for my husband and I's situation. Maybe that would be a good answer. Allow all of those who are here the opportunity to EARN their visa's and green cards?!?! I don't know, but all I want is for us to be more Christian like and treat people with respect. I have to ask myself over and over What would Jesus do? Well I think we all know the answer to that. There are so many good people out there who don't have permission to be here, but I am so thankful they are. Some of the most influential people I have met were not members of my church or my leaders of my country, but illegal immigrants who were willing to give me the shirt off their back or help me through my situation. I love my husband's people and I am one who couldn't be prouder to be an advocate for them. I may not agree with how they got here, but I am not going to lower myself to treat them like (insert word here). I just pray everyday that the leaders of this country can come up with a humane answer to this problem.

There I said it. I am open to posts and I will not judge your reasonings behind your comment. I just ask that you do not attack my husband personally in any way. This is a place for me to vent and get things out and personal attacks are not welcome. Thanks!!!

I need to fix things.......

It has been 4 months since I lost Juanito. It has been a rough four months since I lost Juanito. I have been in the worst place I have ever been in my life. I have experienced something no mother should ever have to go through. I cry more now than I ever have before in my life. I have changed in ways that I wish I hadn't. I have become OCD (especially with FB and blogger.) I have shut many people out of my world. I have been miserable. I have hated so many people for so many things. I have been mad at God. I have doubted myself. I have hurt so bad. I have made some of the most amazing friends that I would never have made had I not lost him. I have GRIEVED.

Notice something wrong with the paragraph above? I'm sure most will say no. You have lost a child and everything you are going through is normal. Well you are right, but it has taken me 4 months to realize that there is something wrong with it. The problem is that every sentence starts with I. Not we, I! I have been doing all of these things for the past 4 months and not even thought twice about what my husband is going through or what he needs. I have not been a very good wife! I think in many ways our relationship has become stronger, but in many ways it has also deteriorated. I have been obsessed with the internet. I am on the computer a lot. I research, read blogs, FB, write, pay bills, chat, and so much more. It helps me to occupy my time but I have forgotten that I have another half and he is feeling left out of my life. We had an amazing weekend, but at the same time we argued a lot. He has finally started to deal with this and he has hit his rock bottom. Where have I been? On the computer. It is time I start paying more attention to him and helping him get through this rough time.

So starting today I am going to limit my time on the internet. I personally don't feel ready to give up my daily contacts, but I love my husband and I care about our relationship. I no longer have Juanito here with me, but I do have a wonderful (most of the time =) husband and 3 beautiful children who are here. I love and miss my baby so much, but I know without a doubt that I will get to be with him one day and I need to give as much of myself to my family that I have right here right now! Don't get me wrong, I will still check up on everyone and continue my blogstocking, but it just won't be everyday. This is going to be a hard transition for me, but I know that all my BL friends understand and you will be here for me when I need you as I for you as much as I can.

It's time to quit focusing on me and to start focusing on my family. They are my world, yet these past 4 months I have shut them out. I am praying for strength! I know that sounds funny, but I seriously depend on my BL friends. They are the only ones who understand what I am going through. I need all of you!!! But I am going to try for my husband.