Friday, May 7, 2010

Break Downs......

I hate unexpected break downs..... I really do. This week has been very stressful for me and I feel like I have been on constant break down mode. May is a very stressful month for teachers. End of year testing puts tons of pressure on us and many factors that affects the student's performance is out of our hands. I HATE end of year testing. I do not think it properly shows what a child knows and where they are at in their learning.

Aside from school Life has been hectic. May is such a busy month for us and I just wish I could bypass it all together. I'll give you the breakdown of the month.

May- My due date(s) I had 4, so I have no clue when he was due.
May 1st- Best friend's Little girl's Birthday Party
May 2nd- Mitch's Birthday/ IBLMD
May 3rd- Godson's Birthday
May 4th-Sister' Anniversary
May 5th- Our Anniversary
May 8th- Memory Walk/ Godson's Birthday Party
May 9th- Mother's Day
May 10th- Grandpa's Birthday
May 15th- Chilo's Birthday/Kid's Combined Birthday Party.
May 16th- Summer Bible study session begins
May 19th- Dylan's Birthday
May 22nd- Terin's Graduation
May 27th- Dylan's Graduation
May 28th-Last Day of School
May 31st- Memorial Day
June 1st- My second surgery

On top of those dates I have Primerica meetings every Wednesday and Saturday, I work 5 days a week, we have put our house on the market, we are looking for a house, we are painting/remodeling the house and we have been invited to several birthday/first communion/confirmation parties. I'm not trying to say mine is worse than yours. I'm just saying it is too much for me right now.

To top it all off, Mitch has been sick the past few days. He spiked a 104 temp last night. His breathing went up to 40, his heart rate stayed around 200 and his oxygen dropped to 78. I had to put him on 5L of oxygen for about 3 hours. I was able to get his fever to break and everything else improved but he was still on 2 1/2L of oxygen when I left for work this morning. Due to taking maternity leave (2 weeks) early I had to work, so Juan took the day off and stayed with him. He took him to the doctor and he was given a bunch of meds and sent home. Our regular Ped is out so I am a little nervous about the diagnosis.

So let me just say I am not doing too well. I lost it last night and cried for about 3 hours. Juan was so cute. He kept trying to come up with things to help cheer me up, but of course nothing worked. I was then up the majority of the night with Mitch, so I didn't get much sleep. I am a wreck today. I have a co-worker who lost her 21 year old son about 3 years ago. She has become extremely negative towards everything. Especially work. I don't blame her, but I have a very hard time not falling into her negativity. Lets just say I feel like she is hindering my healing. Our principal is new and he has uprooted the whole system and has caused havoc, so this co-worker has decided to rebel. I was standing in the lunchroom while her students were going through the line today. She of course was not in there and her kids were out of control. I had to get after them and stop the whole lunchroom just to get them back under control. I had a furry build up inside of me that I have never felt at work before and I came lose on her. I told her what I thought of how she was acting and that I was not going to be her personal babysitter. I was shaking so bad. I have never had this happen before. I don't agree with what she is doing, but I have personally prided myself with my self control and today I had none.

I am not OK. I am not dealing well with everything right now. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long time. I thought things were progressing pretty well, but I was wrong. I have digressed so much that I wonder how I am ever going to move forward. My heart hurts so much right now and I can't seem to come to grips with it all. I am going through just as rough a time if not rougher than when I lost Juanito. This is so hard!!!

I guess I just need to let the break downs come and hope that I can survive the rest of this month! Sorry about the ramblings. My thoughts are all jumbled and I am not even sure if this post makes sense, but at least I was able to get through it =)


  1. big, big hugs to you Michelle. i'm so sorry for how rough this month is for you, and how stressful the work week has been. it is so amazing that you are a teacher - i was a teacher for a little bit, and know how much work it is! i feel the same way, too, about unexpected break downs. it makes me feel weak and out of control. but i've started to learn to give myself a break and to acknowledge my feelings. i think, even though it sucks that you are not feeling okay, that it's good that you are okay with putting it out there. sometimes, we do need to crawl into a hole for bit and take a few breaths. i am thinking of you and hoping you find even just a bit of peace, calm, and comfort through this difficult month.

  2. Michelle...I can come in the hole with you sweetie...we can watch all the disney movies and eat everything we want and be safe from everyone...but where will that get us?? Welcome to the damn Roller coaster through hell as I called it today on FB....its so shocking how it doesnt even require a day or two, it can literally be all in one day the ups and downs we go through....I wish they came up with a way to let us "slide" in the rest of life after something like this...NOPE, we are just handed the memory box and told to live on....How? How can we handle regular stress on top of this..Dont be hard on yourself for losing it on the kids, they probably needed a little discipline anyway..and with her, she really needs to take her negative self and mean drop off your emotions somewhere, I can imagine all the kids just done even like her cause she is mean, which makes me wonder if some of the teachers that were mean to me were baby loss mommas too? OH well, i can not excuse it, there are many ways to learn to cope, blog, therapy, support groups and you shouldnt have to pick up her they say misery loves company...I have a SIL who had losses years ago (4 early onm.c) now I am not saying that it isnt sad IT IS HORRIBLE, but it isnt the same as mine, she now feels we have something in common (we dont) and can vent about everything and everyone she hates since the loss, how no one was there for her blah blah blah....NO ONE was there for me either...No one came to me and handed me the blog, or BBC or even my other words you have to want to heal and since she doesnt that is why she is so angry..but YOU are doing everything right, of course there are set backs its only a little over 3 months...I know we want to think "oh im ok today i must be healed" but no sweetie its not...I learned that today when i actually woke up im looking to climb in the hole with are stressed...thats all...there is too much at once...pop in the movie tonight and leave the home renovations til next week..its mothers day weekend for Gods sake, cant we catch a break :) xoxoxo

  3. Oh!!! Michelle, you can come join me in my little hole! I'm sorry you're feeling so bad lately and I'm even more sorry about the schedule you have this month! Just looking at that made me exhausted. I will be thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  4. Praying for you!! Drop me an email if you ever need to chat.

  5. i felt like i was making great progress from month 5 or 6 until month 8 after losing xavier. since then it feels like i started at square one again. in just a few short weeks it will have been one year since losing xavier and some days i am doing extraordinarily well...other days are like that first week all over again. i guess i just hope this encourages you that what you are going through is normal. feeling overwhelmed is normal, especially with all the activities you have going on! there are so many blm out here thinking of you and praying for you everyday! *HUGS*

  6. ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) You need a you day! I am sorry that things are going the way they are. Grief sucks, one day you will be "ok" the next day it slaps you in the face. What you are going through is normal. I know that doesn't make things better or make you feel better for that matter, just know there are many who have walked that path too we are here to support, help, listen, whatever you need.