Monday, May 3, 2010

I need to fix things.......

It has been 4 months since I lost Juanito. It has been a rough four months since I lost Juanito. I have been in the worst place I have ever been in my life. I have experienced something no mother should ever have to go through. I cry more now than I ever have before in my life. I have changed in ways that I wish I hadn't. I have become OCD (especially with FB and blogger.) I have shut many people out of my world. I have been miserable. I have hated so many people for so many things. I have been mad at God. I have doubted myself. I have hurt so bad. I have made some of the most amazing friends that I would never have made had I not lost him. I have GRIEVED.

Notice something wrong with the paragraph above? I'm sure most will say no. You have lost a child and everything you are going through is normal. Well you are right, but it has taken me 4 months to realize that there is something wrong with it. The problem is that every sentence starts with I. Not we, I! I have been doing all of these things for the past 4 months and not even thought twice about what my husband is going through or what he needs. I have not been a very good wife! I think in many ways our relationship has become stronger, but in many ways it has also deteriorated. I have been obsessed with the internet. I am on the computer a lot. I research, read blogs, FB, write, pay bills, chat, and so much more. It helps me to occupy my time but I have forgotten that I have another half and he is feeling left out of my life. We had an amazing weekend, but at the same time we argued a lot. He has finally started to deal with this and he has hit his rock bottom. Where have I been? On the computer. It is time I start paying more attention to him and helping him get through this rough time.

So starting today I am going to limit my time on the internet. I personally don't feel ready to give up my daily contacts, but I love my husband and I care about our relationship. I no longer have Juanito here with me, but I do have a wonderful (most of the time =) husband and 3 beautiful children who are here. I love and miss my baby so much, but I know without a doubt that I will get to be with him one day and I need to give as much of myself to my family that I have right here right now! Don't get me wrong, I will still check up on everyone and continue my blogstocking, but it just won't be everyday. This is going to be a hard transition for me, but I know that all my BL friends understand and you will be here for me when I need you as I for you as much as I can.

It's time to quit focusing on me and to start focusing on my family. They are my world, yet these past 4 months I have shut them out. I am praying for strength! I know that sounds funny, but I seriously depend on my BL friends. They are the only ones who understand what I am going through. I need all of you!!! But I am going to try for my husband.


  1. Grief is such a selfish thing. I think we all go through a period like this. When you hurt that much, you can't really take care of someone else in that way. Realizing it I think is the first step of coming out of that black hole of initial loss. It shows some measure of healing, even though it doesn't feel like you've healed any. It's sort of like waking up a little, becoming a little less blinded by your grief.

    So big hugs to you. As much as you needed the selfish stage, you need this realization and effort to reconnect with your family too. Life goes on, and while that hurts, you do have something to live for. ((hugs)) Good luck!

  2. You are doing the right thing, Michelle. At four months I hit rock bottom too and felt the same way. Don't worry, we all need to step back at some point and refocus. We are here for you no matter how often you check in :)

    Sending you all my love

  3. Unfortunately It took me a bit longer than 4 months to figure this out.. I think we just have to find a balance..I love to read others, it seems to validate my feelings a bit more. AND its a good outlet..BUT My priority is my it should be..I think we get under this fog of grief and all we see is how we feel as the mother's.. but its so much more.. Its not fair for our families to not just lose our babies, but to lose us too.. I think a little selfishness is always needed..but its easy to lose focus.. anyhow..((hugs))

  4. Michelle, take as much time as you need, I cant imagine the pain of having this to deal with as well as children living at has to be hard, but IM so glad you are going to start to "live" again...I will be here for you as much or as little as you need...Juanito will bring you the courage to get through this next phase...God bless you ((hugs))

  5. I understand so much! I too have also become obsessed with my computer, I spend way too much time on here and on blogs and FB...Luckily, my husband is a computer guy, so he doesn't mind! :) But I do feel I need to step away from time to time. We'll always be here for you though! Whenever you are here. XO

  6. ((hugs)) Do what you need to do, we are here for you! Month 4, 6 and 8 were hell and harder than the rest. Sending you love.