I am the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of 4 beautiful children here on earth and a sweet little angel in Heaven. Our lives haven't been easy, but I am so thankful for all of my many life experiences. They have helped me to learn, grow and become the person I am today!
I have been so excited about the possibility of having another baby and Juan has even decided it is time to TTC. The last couple of months I have used OPKs and I found out that I am not ovulating, so I spoke with my doctor and he decided to try Clomid for a few months. Tomorrow is my last day of taking Clomid and on Saturday we are supposed to start DTD every other day (I know TMI.) Can I just say I have become so scared! I have become teary-eyed just admitting it. I have such a desire to have another baby to love and hold. Well and I know a Rainbow would help to bring closure to my loss of Juanito. A Rainbow could never replace my sweet angel, but it would help to heal the guilt I have in failing my son. Not being able to keep him safe while he was forming and growing inside me. But regardless of how badly I want a Rainbow I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it! I'm so scared of losing another one. I have an amazingly strong friend who just lost her 3rd baby boy and I just don't know if I am as strong as her. Am I being selfish? Should I just thank God for the 3 amazing miracles he has given me and move on with life? Do I try and if I get pregnant what? Can I keep a future baby safe? What will I do if I lose another one? Have I pushed to hard? I have all these questions running through my head and I can't seem to rationalize an answer to any. I am so scared and I need strength!!! God please help me to find strength and answers. Please help me to find peace in my heart. Please help me to to stay strong for both my family and a possible future Rainbow.