Thursday, June 10, 2010


I have been so excited about the possibility of having another baby and Juan has even decided it is time to TTC. The last couple of months I have used OPKs and I found out that I am not ovulating, so I spoke with my doctor and he decided to try Clomid for a few months. Tomorrow is my last day of taking Clomid and on Saturday we are supposed to start DTD every other day (I know TMI.) Can I just say I have become so scared! I have become teary-eyed just admitting it. I have such a desire to have another baby to love and hold. Well and I know a Rainbow would help to bring closure to my loss of Juanito. A Rainbow could never replace my sweet angel, but it would help to heal the guilt I have in failing my son. Not being able to keep him safe while he was forming and growing inside me. But regardless of how badly I want a Rainbow I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it! I'm so scared of losing another one. I have an amazingly strong friend who just lost her 3rd baby boy and I just don't know if I am as strong as her. Am I being selfish? Should I just thank God for the 3 amazing miracles he has given me and move on with life? Do I try and if I get pregnant what? Can I keep a future baby safe? What will I do if I lose another one? Have I pushed to hard? I have all these questions running through my head and I can't seem to rationalize an answer to any. I am so scared and I need strength!!! God please help me to find strength and answers. Please help me to find peace in my heart. Please help me to to stay strong for both my family and a possible future Rainbow.


  1. Michelle,
    I too just started my first month of chlomid. I am so scared - I used chlomid to conceive the first time, so I know the ropes of it. Here is a poem that has helped me think of the good things of TTC again. I think it's really fitting - especially when we do have our rainbows in our arms!

    "A Different Child" by Pandora Diane MacMillan
    A different child,
    People notice
    There's a special glow around you.

    You grow
    Surrounded by love,
    Never doubting that you are wanted;
    Only look at the pride and joy
    In your mother and father's eyes.

    And if sometimes
    Between the smiles
    There's a trace of tears,
    One day you'll understand

    You'll understand
    There was another child
    A different child
    Who was in their hopes and dreams.

    That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
    That child will never keep them up at night
    In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

    Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
    When mother and father miss so much
    That different child.

    May hope and love wrap you warmly
    And may you learn the lesson forever
    How infintely precious
    How infintely fragile
    Is this life on earth.

    One day, as a young woman
    You may see another mother's tears
    Another father's silent grief
    Then you, and you alone
    Will understand and offer the greatest comfort.

    When all hope seems lost,
    You will tell them
    With great compassion,

    "I know how you feel.
    I'm only here
    Because my mother tried again."

    I hope it gives you hope! I so badly want us together to have our rainbows on the way! I go in today for a follicule check to see if I am going to ovulate. Wish me luck!


  2. Someone sent me that poem not too long ago as well...and after crying, you realize that the joy and love that goes with any sweet baby is worth the fear and anxiety....and BOY is there fear and anxiety!

    But you just pray that you remember you are not alone and that at the end you are blessed with another miracle.

    Thinking of you!!!

  3. It's terrifying. It really is. I've had two rainbows and am still terrified at the thought of trying again. It's because of the utter lack of control we have.

    Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and go for it and hope for the best.


  4. I saw that poem somewhere else too and it really is sweet. Michelle, trying again is going to be a scary thing. It's a huge leap of faith, but I think I can see how much you DO want a rainbow. :) We are all here to support you every day! It's going to be scary and there will be lots of doubts. One day at a time! (((HUGS)))

  5. You have many here for you - supporting you and cheering you on as you continue in your journey! ((hugs))

  6. the poem bought me chills and it is sooooooo right, these rainbows may not be here if the babies were....i know we spoke today and you are back on not let the fear take over....we have to risk our hearts its the only way

  7. Well Juan has been working out of town the past few days and I just got off the phone with him. I am so stinking excited to start trying...... or is it because I'm excited to DTD?????? OK I know TMI!!!! LOL

  8. Praying for you. It is a scary road-you're pretty much embarking on the unknown-but it's also a road of joy too. PAL isn't easy but I think it's worth it. I think we all don't want to end this way-having to bury a child. You want to end on a 'good note' so to speak.

  9. I pray that it all works out for you. And we are here for you.