Monday, June 21, 2010

I have a hard time being happy for them!

How many you you have a hard time being happy for someone who announces that they are pregnant? Well I will admit that I do. I have had several people in my life announce that they are expecting lately. Some of them fellow babyloss moms and some not, but the one thing is that I can't feel that joy that I used to feel for pregnant women. If they are a BL mom I worry for them and pray that they get their rainbow baby, so that they can have a calm in their storm. If they are not I pray that they do not have to feel or know this heartache. I can't feel excited for them or overjoyed like I used to. I am glad that they are expecting and I am hopeful that things will work out, but I do not feel like I did before I lost my baby! I hope this all makes sense. It is not that I am heartless or jealous. It's just that everyday I live the reality of what can happen to that beautiful bliss when something goes terribly wrong! I know what it feels like when your hopes and dreams are shattered into a million pieces and there is no hope of being able to piece them back together. I know what it feels like to lose a baby!!! I wish I could put my feelings into words, but this is the best I can do and it doesn't even begin to touch it. I live everyday hoping to find a glimmer of happiness to replace the sorrow my heart feels for my sweet baby. I just hope that someday this pain will ease and I can once again feel happy and hopeful for those around me as they plan and prepare for the most wonderful adventure of their life.

Baby bird I miss you so much! I can't believe just 7 more days and it will have been 6 months since I held you. Six months since all my hopes and dreams for you were put on hold. Six months since I started a new reality that has caused me to open my eyes and see the world for what it really is. I love you more than words can express. You will always have a place in my heart baby boy!!!!

13 comments:

  1. I used to get so overly excited whenever I heard of baby news. That was of course before Janessa died. I no longer feel joy for them or me. One of my favorite things was visiting a friend in the hospital right after they had their baby. I have done that once since we lost our daughter & will have do do it again soon. I dread it with all my heart. Your feelings are normal. Don't beat yourself up over them. Don't think badly of yourself. This will ease up some but it will never go back to the way it was. It cannot now. We know the flip side of it all. Wishing you strength & healing.

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  2. I used to cry when I heard of someone pregnant, but I always seem to have hope and joy for a BLM who is expecting their rainbow. I have slowly allowed myself to be around more pregnant women and babies and I think that has helped me. It took me 9 months to get to that point and I still worry and fear for some of these women. It is hard not to when we have experienced this loss and know the heartache and pain.

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  3. Oh Michelle I feel the same way. I feel so tarnished and jaded forever. My sister in law and bil just announced to our family last night that they are pregnant. She told me they were ttc after we had already been ttc. I feel so anxious and left behind again!! My best friend and cousin also are pregnant. Hugs

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  4. I can totally relate Michelle. We are no longer in denial that stuff like this really happens. ((HUGS))

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  5. Hearin' ya! It rips me to bits inside. Makes me angry like I want to kick something (not the pregnant person though.. ). Why them and not me? Haven't I paid enough penance? It's the hardest thing to 'pretend'. I mean, I'm not exactly NOT happy for them, it's just that after all this time, the "sad for me" overwhems any glimpse of real happy.

    Love to you Michelle.. ♥

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  6. I guess 10 years of infertility sort of became ingrained whether I wanted it to or not--so even when I finally got pregnant with Matthew (and was BLISSFULLY HAPPY!) I still had some of that same feeling--not sure what to call it since I was pregnant, I guess just a little jealous because even though I was pregnant, I felt like I had to pay SO MUCH MORE to get there.

    Even now, I still feel sort of the same way--like every pregnant woman I see gets, "Is she going to get to keep hers and I lose mine? Again?"

    It's very weird.

    Lots of love to you friend!

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  7. I can definitely relate Michelle! I have the same feelings and I think it all just comes down to us knowing what can and might happen. We've lost our innocence and it's hard to feel like you did before when you've had the worst happen to yourself. Don't feel bad about it. We've all been there or are still there at one point or another! (((HUGS)))

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  8. I am with you..everyone around me is expecting. 2 sil's, my best friend, my cousin, its so hard to be happy and I don't really pretend to be either..they don't know our pain, so they naturally don't understand my lack of questions, excitement etc.. some one mentioned above about crying, I did this, each time for several months...I don't cry anymore, but it still stings..

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  9. Happy for them, but sad for me. It just seems to happen so easily for some. I wish I could just go back to the time when I was "one of them" and filled with JOY and so nieve about the entire experience. I want my innocence back...but its gone forever, just like my first baby.

    HUGs

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  10. I know exactly how you feel. I just found out that my cousin is expecting. I guess I sort of expected this would happen since she recently got married but I didn't expect to feel no joy for her. I guess I didn't expect to even have a loss in the first place and when this happened my whole perspective on things changed. Don't feel bad for feeling this way. We all know exactly how you feel and I hope that one day we will all be able to be happy for other people but right now you're feelings are understandable. You have been through something that NO parent should have to go through and you are entitled to whatever feelings you have. I am thinking of you and missing Juanito with you <3

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  11. In the beginning, it was so hard for me to even talk to my friends because most of them were pregnant at the time. I was scared for them and it made me miss my little guy even more. The feelings will subside with time. I don't think that the fear of the death of a child will ever go away because it is the worst that could ever happen. It is something we hope no one has to ever go through.

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  12. I understand what you are saying. I know I am much happier for BLMs b/c I know how much it means to them. It's easier for me now to deal with than it was say a year ago too. But it'll never be the same like it was.

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  13. I read your blog from time to time but have never commented. I understand completely what you are saying. It's not that I am jealous or hoping for something bad to happen, it's just hard to feel really excited and happy for them. And of course it seems like everyone I know is having an easy, breezy pregnancy.

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