I am the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of 4 beautiful children here on earth and a sweet little angel in Heaven. Our lives haven't been easy, but I am so thankful for all of my many life experiences. They have helped me to learn, grow and become the person I am today!
I have been thinking about today for several days now and when I woke up this morning I had totally forgot that it was the 29th. Maybe it is the "hang over" I have from the long drive back from Oregon, but I still feel really bad that it wasn't the first thing I thought of this morning. I can't believe it has been 7 months since I held my sweet baby boy. I miss him so much and thought a lot about him during our vacation. I imagined how things would have been had he been there with us and how we would have had to do things differently with him there. It was really hard to not have him there to share in our family memories. I feel that it is getting harder rather than easier for me as time goes on. I miss him so much and I just wish I could have him back even if it were just for a day.
**** I took some pictures of his name while on vacation and I will get them posted as soon as they are uploaded!!!
Ok this might be a long post and I'm not quit sure how to start it, so the intro might be a little awkward........
Last year one of Juan and I's goals was to focus more on becoming closer to God and showing our children religion. I grew up LDS or Morman and Juan Catholic. When we were married one of the compromises we made was to allow our children to choose their religion. This has worked for us thus far. One problem we did find is that many of our friends wanted us for Godparents of their children and if we were not married in the Catholic church we could not do that. So I chose to go through all the steps and we were married in the Catholic church last September. Neither Juan or I have been back to church since we lost Juanito. We both really have tried, but it has been too painful.
Now that you have some background I think these stories will make more sense. A few months ago Juan and I were asked yet again to be Godparents. On the 24th of this month we will be traveling to Oregon to baptize a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. I am so excited!!! But both Juan and I knew we would have to attend Baptism classes and that meant we would have to go back into the church. I made sure to sign up for the class that the Priest who married us taught. I knew he would be more sensitive to us and the class would be just fine. Well when we got to the church we found out the the priest had to go out of town and the only class that was available before we left was the Spanish class. We had taken this class before and I did not care for the instructor. He is down right rude!!!
He actually was more pleasant and even cracked a few jokes. I was shocked!!! I managed to get through the class and I didn't have my breakdown until afterwards. At one point in the class the instructor said that it was the parents responsibility to protect their children and I feel like I was not able to do the with Juanito, so I did cry afterwards. On Wednesday, we had our last class. I felt so much better and even walked into the church excited. Well class started and things were going well. Everyone was cracking jokes and we were having a good time. Until he got to the part about where babies come from. He got onto some sort of deranged soapbox and would not quit. He told us that it is 100% the parents fault if a baby is born sick, retarded or dead. And yes he said it just like that. It wasn't enough that he said it once, but he kept going on and on. He says God would never send an imperfect spirit to earth. After a few minutes I lost it and started bawling! I actually had to leave the class and spend the rest of it in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. This man has been put into a situation of authority and he has no right to say those types of things. I have made an appointment with the priest for today to talk about what happened, but I don't know what else to do. He absolutely devastated me and I have not been able to get over it.
Well yesterday I called my mom to tell her about it and I again got another slap in the face. Both my parents are very strong in the Mormon church and my mom especially doesn't like the fact that I am affiliated at all with the Catholic church. So I tell her the story trying my hardest not to get hysterical and she starts to say something, but then stops. I know without a doubt it was going to be something about Catholics and what they believe, but she stopped and wouldn't say. She then says, " Well guess what happened to me yesterday? I was registering your dad for some blood work and we have you listed as our emergency contact. When The registrar pulled it up on the computer it was flashing right there in bold that your religion is Catholic." I'm just sitting there on the other end thinking what does this have to do with what this guy did to me. I'm sitting here bawling on the phone devastated that someone would blame me for Juanito's death and you are trying to tell me what "happened" to you. How is my religion being listed as Catholic something that "happens" to someone. She totally turned what this uneducated man said into a religion issue instead of trying to console me. I was hurt beyond words buy that. I know she doesn't like the fact that I support the catholic religion. Before we hung up she did say she was sorry for what the man did, but the hurt had already been caused. I figured I wouldn't be able to call her and tell her without being a bawling babbling mess, so i wrote her an email explaining my feelings. That probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I needed her to know that I was hurting. I know she has read it and I have yet to hear back from her. No phone call. No email. NOTHING!
What she doesn't realize is she still has me here on earth with here. I have not joined some kind of cult and my beliefs are still 100% the same as they have always been. I don't have my son here with me and I am doing the very best I can to work through this grieving process. There are going to be things that upset me and I Need people to just listen and support me. Nobody is going to be able to fix me. It is just going to take time for me to work through all of this. None of these triggers have anything to do with religion, sex, age or race. They just happen and I will slowly work through them.
Well if you managed to make it through this I thank you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to fix this with my mom? I don't want to call her if she is really upset and just cause us to fight more. UGH.... I hate that I even have to be offended by what people say. I wish I could just going back to being naive again. I wish I just had my baby here with me.
Wow! This has been a hard post to write. It has been 6 long and hard months since I held my baby. I keep being told that it will get easier with time and I keep waiting for that time to come. I still wake up everyday thinking about my sweet baby boy and all the things I am missing. I still think about him all the time. I still miss him just as much as I did the day I found out he was gone. I still dream about him all the time and I still hurt so bad that at times I don't think I can breath. I still do not feel like time has eased the pain.
On the other hand these past 6 months have brought me some of the most genuine and pure friends that I could ever have. It has brought me into a community that I wouldn't want anyone to belong to, but I am so glad that I do. These past 6 months have taught more about myself than I ever learned in the 29 years before I lost him. These last 6 months have brought my family so close that I don't think anything will ever be able to tear us apart. I would not change anything that has happened over these past 6 months.
I had hoped to be blessed with a Rainbow by his 6 month Angelversary, but unfortunately that did not happen. I have learned that I have once again joined another community that I thought I would never belong to. That is the infertility community. Never in a million years did I imagine that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Dylan was a condom baby, Adriana took 1 try and Mitch took 2 months. It took us 16 months to get Juanito, but several of those months we didn't try or it wasn't convenient, so we used protection, but when we got really serious about trying, we got pregnant within just a few months. That is not the case anymore. We have been trying for the last 4 months (2 months very hard) with no results. I have used OPK's and done blood work only to reveal that I am no longer ovulating. Both Juan and I knew that one day that could become a possibility with my Hashimoto's, but we both figured we would be done having babies by the time that day came. We should be done having babies. I was going to have my tubes tied after I had Juanito, but instead we were forced to go home and try again. We tried 50mg of Clomid last month and I just knew that would do the trick, but I was wrong. I still didn't ovulate. Tomorrow I will start 100mg of Clomid and I pray that with the help of God and Juanito we can be blessed with our Rainbow.
I hope my rambling makes sense. This post will probably be changed several times before I like it, but I felt like I needed to get something down.