Monday, July 5, 2010

6 Months...... I think I am ready

Wow! This has been a hard post to write. It has been 6 long and hard months since I held my baby. I keep being told that it will get easier with time and I keep waiting for that time to come. I still wake up everyday thinking about my sweet baby boy and all the things I am missing. I still think about him all the time. I still miss him just as much as I did the day I found out he was gone. I still dream about him all the time and I still hurt so bad that at times I don't think I can breath. I still do not feel like time has eased the pain.

On the other hand these past 6 months have brought me some of the most genuine and pure friends that I could ever have. It has brought me into a community that I wouldn't want anyone to belong to, but I am so glad that I do. These past 6 months have taught more about myself than I ever learned in the 29 years before I lost him. These last 6 months have brought my family so close that I don't think anything will ever be able to tear us apart. I would not change anything that has happened over these past 6 months.

I had hoped to be blessed with a Rainbow by his 6 month Angelversary, but unfortunately that did not happen. I have learned that I have once again joined another community that I thought I would never belong to. That is the infertility community. Never in a million years did I imagine that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Dylan was a condom baby, Adriana took 1 try and Mitch took 2 months. It took us 16 months to get Juanito, but several of those months we didn't try or it wasn't convenient, so we used protection, but when we got really serious about trying, we got pregnant within just a few months. That is not the case anymore. We have been trying for the last 4 months (2 months very hard) with no results. I have used OPK's and done blood work only to reveal that I am no longer ovulating. Both Juan and I knew that one day that could become a possibility with my Hashimoto's, but we both figured we would be done having babies by the time that day came. We should be done having babies. I was going to have my tubes tied after I had Juanito, but instead we were forced to go home and try again. We tried 50mg of Clomid last month and I just knew that would do the trick, but I was wrong. I still didn't ovulate. Tomorrow I will start 100mg of Clomid and I pray that with the help of God and Juanito we can be blessed with our Rainbow.

I hope my rambling makes sense. This post will probably be changed several times before I like it, but I felt like I needed to get something down.

16 comments:

  1. I hope the Clomid works for you! I know it's hard but don't get discouraged (4 months feels like forever but it's nothing really in the world of infertility)...I've got my fingers crossed for you that a rainbow baby announcement will be a blog post very soon! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hope you are blessed with your rainbow. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. With a loss, it just seems like forever that you have to wait for the next step to happen. I pray that you will not have to wait much longer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ((hugs)) i really hope the increased dose of clomid helps get you ovulating again. i understand the discouragement for sure, and hope you are able to stay mostly positive. thinking good thoughts for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I will be praying for you guys! Six months was hard for me too!! (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hoping with you that we both get our rainbows soon.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm praying for you, Michelle, and I hope for a Rainbow soon for you. (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  8. Praying for you...amazing how 6 months can seem like eternity and yesterday all in one, huh?

    Lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'll be praying for you Michelle. I really really hope that the clomid works for you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  10. I hope your rainbow comes soon Michelle!!!! I agree, I'm not sure what or where I would be without this community of all of you fantastic ladies/friends!! :) XO

    ReplyDelete
  11. michelle i am ALWAYS going to be there for you...and i know what you mean...who would think that we would be dealing with another thing on top of the grieving..but we keep getting things...more and more and you know what YOU and I are STILL standing!!!! I wonder if we fell would we be spared another?? is it our constant strength that keeps us able to take on new issues?? but i have a feeling that Juanito knows what he is doing (wish he can tell us) but I DO believe he is running the show...some may say thats a lot of pressure to put on an Angel, and its not his job, but i disagree 100%...Juanito IS protecting you and Juan for the rest of your lives and HE knows what he is doing...we may not understand completely but we will see one day...xoxoxo....just want you to know that I have been "scared" to read this post for a few days...and I am ok now...I just didnt know if I was "ready" to read it if that makes sense...we feel the same so often it is SCARY!! love you always!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry you don't have your rainbow yet. I know it would be hard to have trouble getting pregnant again! But I sure do agree with you that time does not make this much easier. I thought I would feel a lot better after I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. I think that it is a big distraction, but it still hurts like crazy. I don't know if it's because Elsa is my only girl (hopefully so far)...or if it would feel this way regardless.
    I'll be thinking and praying about your rainbow baby!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Praying you are blessed with your rainbow soon.
    I totally understand not wanting to be part of this baby loss community but at the same time loving it for the wonderful people here. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am sorry for all you have gone through. I know how hard infertility is and know how awful clomid is. Good Luck! And remember God has his own timing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It took us 9 months this time to get pregnant and before it only took us 3 months and 1 month. It was so frustrating and disappointing. I pray that it happens for you soon.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Michelle, I am very behind on your & Ann's blog. But I am always thinking of you both. I know Juanito is keeping a close eye over you & Juan. ALways thinking of you. ~Shelby

    ReplyDelete