Friday, July 16, 2010

I need advice

Ok this might be a long post and I'm not quit sure how to start it, so the intro might be a little awkward........

Last year one of Juan and I's goals was to focus more on becoming closer to God and showing our children religion. I grew up LDS or Morman and Juan Catholic. When we were married one of the compromises we made was to allow our children to choose their religion. This has worked for us thus far. One problem we did find is that many of our friends wanted us for Godparents of their children and if we were not married in the Catholic church we could not do that. So I chose to go through all the steps and we were married in the Catholic church last September. Neither Juan or I have been back to church since we lost Juanito. We both really have tried, but it has been too painful.

Now that you have some background I think these stories will make more sense. A few months ago Juan and I were asked yet again to be Godparents. On the 24th of this month we will be traveling to Oregon to baptize a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. I am so excited!!! But both Juan and I knew we would have to attend Baptism classes and that meant we would have to go back into the church. I made sure to sign up for the class that the Priest who married us taught. I knew he would be more sensitive to us and the class would be just fine. Well when we got to the church we found out the the priest had to go out of town and the only class that was available before we left was the Spanish class. We had taken this class before and I did not care for the instructor. He is down right rude!!!

He actually was more pleasant and even cracked a few jokes. I was shocked!!! I managed to get through the class and I didn't have my breakdown until afterwards. At one point in the class the instructor said that it was the parents responsibility to protect their children and I feel like I was not able to do the with Juanito, so I did cry afterwards. On Wednesday, we had our last class. I felt so much better and even walked into the church excited. Well class started and things were going well. Everyone was cracking jokes and we were having a good time. Until he got to the part about where babies come from. He got onto some sort of deranged soapbox and would not quit. He told us that it is 100% the parents fault if a baby is born sick, retarded or dead. And yes he said it just like that. It wasn't enough that he said it once, but he kept going on and on. He says God would never send an imperfect spirit to earth. After a few minutes I lost it and started bawling! I actually had to leave the class and spend the rest of it in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. This man has been put into a situation of authority and he has no right to say those types of things. I have made an appointment with the priest for today to talk about what happened, but I don't know what else to do. He absolutely devastated me and I have not been able to get over it.

Well yesterday I called my mom to tell her about it and I again got another slap in the face. Both my parents are very strong in the Mormon church and my mom especially doesn't like the fact that I am affiliated at all with the Catholic church. So I tell her the story trying my hardest not to get hysterical and she starts to say something, but then stops. I know without a doubt it was going to be something about Catholics and what they believe, but she stopped and wouldn't say. She then says, " Well guess what happened to me yesterday? I was registering your dad for some blood work and we have you listed as our emergency contact. When The registrar pulled it up on the computer it was flashing right there in bold that your religion is Catholic." I'm just sitting there on the other end thinking what does this have to do with what this guy did to me. I'm sitting here bawling on the phone devastated that someone would blame me for Juanito's death and you are trying to tell me what "happened" to you. How is my religion being listed as Catholic something that "happens" to someone. She totally turned what this uneducated man said into a religion issue instead of trying to console me. I was hurt beyond words buy that. I know she doesn't like the fact that I support the catholic religion. Before we hung up she did say she was sorry for what the man did, but the hurt had already been caused. I figured I wouldn't be able to call her and tell her without being a bawling babbling mess, so i wrote her an email explaining my feelings. That probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I needed her to know that I was hurting. I know she has read it and I have yet to hear back from her. No phone call. No email. NOTHING!

What she doesn't realize is she still has me here on earth with here. I have not joined some kind of cult and my beliefs are still 100% the same as they have always been. I don't have my son here with me and I am doing the very best I can to work through this grieving process. There are going to be things that upset me and I Need people to just listen and support me. Nobody is going to be able to fix me. It is just going to take time for me to work through all of this. None of these triggers have anything to do with religion, sex, age or race. They just happen and I will slowly work through them.

Well if you managed to make it through this I thank you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to fix this with my mom? I don't want to call her if she is really upset and just cause us to fight more. UGH.... I hate that I even have to be offended by what people say. I wish I could just going back to being naive again. I wish I just had my baby here with me.


  1. :) the queen of rambling posts read all the way through :)

    first off ((((((((giant hugs))))))))

    second, just because he is in authority does NOT make him RIGHT! sin entered this world and with it came devastation, fallibility, inconsistency, pain, suffering, disease and all that we deal with in this fallen world. i could really get on this soapbox!!! but i won't, i'm about to do some posts on just this subject over the next few weeks.... grrrrr. makes me want to yank him by his clerical collar!

    thirdly, i'm really, really, sorry your mom reacted that way. i have found that sometimes when people don't know what to say, they lash out from a place of their own fears/hurts/emotions. she must be quite angry with you over not staying "true" to your raising. i'm sorry. i was raised by a catholic dad and he still has not made peace with the fact that i chose to leave it..... when i was 15!? anyway, beside the point. i don't have any magic answers or real words of wisdom but i just wanted you to know that what both of them did was wrong. they hurt you at a vulnerable time. perhaps the priest was unaware of your situation (does not excuse his ignorant comments!) but your mother should have been much more sensitive. i'm sorry. if it helps in any way, i understand. i KNOW you are not responsible in any way for the death of your innocent sweet little boy. period! do not let these thoughts rest in your heart or head. hold on to what you know..... feel the love and understanding of this community... the ones who do understand.

    have you ever read the book "i'll hold you in heaven?" i found great peace in that book back in 2000 when i read it.


    by the way, i have an email now

    YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!! xoxoxoxox

  2. It's like no matter what happens, we know that having our babies here would just make it all better, especially when things get all out of sorts. I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom on top off what that awful priest said (HOW COULD HE!?)

    Maybe just give it time? I pray things get better. Thinking of you.


  3. I know what you mean about wishing you wouldn't get offended by what people say like you do now, because trust me I'm ALWAYS there. I get offended by every little thing and probably even make a bigger deal over it than was truly intended, BUT that SHIT (because that's what it is) that the instructor said is APPALLING. I CAN NOT believe he said that crap and I would do the same as you...CRY my eyes out...then somehow I'd get his ass fired (maybe that's just me). I would go as FAR as the church will take it to get his ass fired or on probation or something! unless they agree with him then I would leave that church :( I can't even believe they would allow that kind of person to teach that class or better yet be affiliated that church. Anyways, I know this post was more about your Mom than about that guy so let me comment on that...usually when my mom and I fight we just don't talk to each other...that literally lasts not even a day. The one time I said some things that hurt her she emailed me and I started crying because I felt so bad and I apologized. I don't really have any advice as to how to fix it because I guess I would just expect my Mom to respond or acknowledge the email...but if she doesn't MAYBE you SHOULD call her. Maybe an email didn't do your feelings don't get to hear the tone in your voice or anything emotional but read the words. Maybe what she needs is to HEAR you say how you feel, maybe even cry on the phone about how much that hurt you and maybe she'll understand more. I sure do hope she does!

    But again try calling her and instead of blaming her for what she said (even though she said it) you can say "when ___ was said it made me feel like___) just so she doesn't feel like she's being attacked.

    OK well I think my advice here is done lol I tried!

    I know you miss Juanito and I really wish you had him in your arms too. I saw your status about your dream and I believe that was him coming to you! :) How special!

  4. I dont know if I even know what to write, but I feel like I need to write something.

    I can understand everyone's possition...even the rude priest. I have found that putting yourself in someone else's shoes really does help. I think the priest might just be a rude or brass person and cant help himself. He for sure could have went about everything in a different way for sure, but I think he in some way was trying to tell you the beliefs of the catholic church.
    I can completely understand you being crushed by his words and the need to talk to someone and get it off your chest and maybe even have someone else backyou up in your feelings was only natural.
    Your mom probably had no idea what to say, she is probably feeling hurt over your decision to do more religious things with the catholic church rather than the LDS church. Maybe in her head she was thinking that if you hadnt went there in the first place that wouldn't have happened...who knows?
    you had every right to tell her how you felt. But on the other hand maybe your moms feeling were hurt also? I really dont know?
    My remarks probably dont make sense, I am pretty much just writting what i see from each side. Give your mom a little time, just getting it out on your blog probably helped you. I wish you good luck on everything! Love you!

  5. Oh Michelle, I'm sorry. I wish I could say something to fix everything. Maybe just give her a little time and call her when you're ready and try and explain where you're coming from? Explain to her you're doing as best as you can and you really need her support rather than any kind of criticism or remarks because right now you're super sensitive and anything is taken in the wrong way. I'm not sure if that helps, but I hope you can find some peace in this all soon. (((HUGS))))

  6. michelle, we spoke aboout the priest already but i was unaware about your mom. i agree that she is probably still sour about you changing religion, and she probably stopped herself from saying something like "well thats your priest talking" or something like all honesty, he really pisses me off because this conversation would not have occurred with your mother if he didnt open hid BIG mouth!! i with Kalia, once this is over i would report his comments. you never know how ,any others were offended in the crowd too, and you may protect someone else from hearing his awful views!! call your mom and talk it out, im sure once you get her on the phone it will be fine....sometimes the only real support we can get is from each other HERE that truly understand ((((hugs)))))

  7. Michelle,
    I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. It is more than I could bare. You are being so strong. I agree that maybe your mom just didn't know how to react but she still loves you and I hope you can talk with each other and work things out. Also I do know this.... from experiencing the lose of my dad and brother and maybe this is where your mom is coming from (also nothing bad about the catholic church, I have plenty of my own family and friends who are catholic) But I know the comfort that the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can bring us joy and peace through all of our trials and loss. I don't want to sound like I am on a soap box either that is not my intent I just know where I found a lot of peace and hope you can find it there as well. I'm sure that is part of your mother's intent as well. She knows where true peace comes from and how you can find it and she wants to help. I hope this didn't offend you or make it sound like your feelings are not important. They are I am just giving advice from my own experience. Take Care! hope that made sense!

  8. Michelle,
    God is unconditional love and that is what a parent should put out; you know this as a mother. I am Christian non-denominational and you know what i tell my mom? At least I have a strong belief in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior mom; at least im not athiest. There is no reason for hatred or dislike of other religions by anybody... but i know growing up in Fillmore gave me that exact perception of religions other than the LDS church. It is hard when you believe in something so strong and your children stray from it in any way... ive crossed that road only with my mother. But life is not about religion!! some of it is. You and Juan both have a firm belief in God and Christ; isn't that enough??? yes it is. Isnt it enough and you both love each other so much that God sees that and want you to be happy. God doesnt cast judgement on those who believe in him and are happy. Different religion or not sweetie... are you happy? that is what your mom needs to see, is that you are happy and content. she should respect that love. when we point our finger at someone, there are always 3 pointing back at us. we are not the judge. only GOd is. I learned that you lose WAY too much by letting religion interfere with relationships. you lose so much out of life.
    As far as those opinions of that man...
    WHO IS HE TO SAY THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT? ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN TO THE HEALTHIEST OF WOMEN. I have had issues and asked God why too. I want a baby so bad I cry when i see someone pregnant or holding a baby. It is so hard on me... I am telling you this because i want you to know that I hurt too love. i had a miscarriage last month and it killed me... i was devastated. I am still in pain due to it, because we have been trying for 8 months. I am healthy. i work out i eat well. i take care of my body. so is it my fault that i am not with child???? NO it was GODS WILL. It was for a reason and what that is ? i am not sure i will ever understand or know, but it hurts like hell. I am 28 and don't have any children and I have an aching in my heart so much for a child. i was told that i couldn't have children and just found out that it is possible, then miscarried. Some people understand the pain, some dont. Just know that God is there and he knows your pain. He collects all of your tears. I always feel better after i cry, because i know God feels my pain and suffering. Keep your head up love. It will get better. Time heals all wounds, so does prayer and faith. Have faith, God will give you comfort. Its hard not to be angry, but your faith will guide you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  9. I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that that priest said those things to you!! It is not the truth, don't believe it for a minute!! It would have been very upsetting to me too and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Also sorry that it brought tension with your mom. Hugs

  10. Michelle, I'm so sorry the priest said that to your class. He is totally wrong! I can't believe he is so ignorant. It was certainly not your fault that little Juanito went to Heaven so soon.You would have done anything to keep him here.
    As for your Mom, I would tell her that the Catholic church worships the same Jesus that the LDS church does. You are striving to follow Christ and have a Christian home. I can understand your not going to church much since Juanito died, as I went through the same thing. It wasn't that I was angry at God, I just didn't want to be around lots of people. I pray that you and your Mom will be able to make up, and that she sees you are a follower of Jesus, no matter what church you belong to. (((HUGS)))

  11. Michele,
    I must agree with alot of the other comments. GOD is love and his love is unconditional (all Christan churches believe this) so if his love is unconditional there is NO way he would he would "punish" a person this way. I know MANY women who have lost children or unable to have children whom are GREAT people, following their religion as best as they know how. SO to me that is a false statement. I also believe that we are each punished for our OWN sins and not for someone elses, so your child would NOT be punished for any sins you may have (not saying you have sins). I think in all religions you find people who "interpret" what their belief is and not necessarily what the view of that church is. I am not sure what the stance of that particular church is, but that maybe something you need to find out.

    As far as your mom, I always try to give my mom the benefit of the doubt knowing she loves me as much as I love my kids. I know I would never try to hurt my kids, but know in the end I probably will at one point in their lives. I would hope that my kids will be able to tell me and I in return can try to make it right. I think you were wise in letting her know how you feel. Hopefully she will take her time gather her thoughts and get back to you. I know when I am hurt it can feel like forever for someone to get back to me, but when I have hurt someone it takes me longer to find the right words to say to apologize.

    Like we said before love is unconditional and I think that your mother will love you no matter what religion you choose, it just might take some time for her to understand your choice.

    I know no word I can say will help, but I think you are doing the best you can as a mother and a person and that is all anyone can ask. LOVE YA!!!

  12. I am so sorry for these occurences.

    I am glad that you are going to talk to the priest about the other priest. They are supposed to be there to counsel not to accuse and judge especially when they don't know how it feels to lose a child. I don't understand why he did that in a class where they should be teaching the ways of God. All babies are perfect regardless if they are born sick. They our children are always perfect in our eyes.

    As for your mom, I have no words, but I think I agree with a post above where they say to make it about how you felt.

    I hope that you get some resolution.

  13. Let me edit my comment in the end I said about your status on fb I was thinking something else and writing it out, but ANYWAYS I remember when I FIRST started following your blog you talked about Juanito being with you while you were in surgery (for your ear I believe) and I believe he really WAS with you and THAT is SO special...those moments we get with them when they're no longer physically here with us are amazing little gifts from them. <3 Thinking of you

  14. I was really angry for you the other day and knew that I'd just spout anger and hurt for, I gave myself a bit to cool down!

    I don't have any magic words of advice, just what I do in my life and what I've sadly decided I've had to do so that I can just function without the drama...

    You KNOW what I think of that priest. Period, he's wrong...and I certainly am not one to try and alienate anyone in the Catholic church, but those verses in John 9 clearly dispute that afflictions and death are given to our children because of our actions (or inactions). He's just theologically incorrect, period.

    As for your mom...I've just had to learn that there will never be a relationship that is the same with anyone in my life. With my husband, thankfully, it's stronger. With many of my friends, the same. With some of my friends, not so much and even pretty superficial. With some of my family members...the same. I think people give just about all they have to give, and it just may be that's all your mom has to give--her still obvious hurt that you changed denominations, as well as her lack of knowledge in how to deal with the loss of your sweet little Juanito.

    I've just learned that the less I expect, the more I am pleasantly surprised and less disappointed. It sucks--it shouldn't be that way--but there's a lot of things that aren't the way they should be, and I just count these changes in family relationships among the casualties.

    Instead of turning to those I'd EXPECT to get it and understand--well, now i just turn to those I KNOW get it and understand and save the superficial stuff for others, including family members.

    This may just be where you end up and I'm so sorry for you.

    Been thinking about you and how those words must have hurt since I saw it on FB.

  15. The nerve of that guy! He has no right to say what he did! Grrrr That makes me mad! And if I was face to face with him right now I'd give him a piece of my mind. I'm so sorry that you had to hear him say such an ignorant thing. (((hug)))

    I'm also sorry with how your mom reacted when you told her the situation. Religion does not matter. God matters and if you are saved through Christ religion is irrelevant.