Thursday, September 30, 2010

My 24 hour heart monitor

I have been having heart palpitations for about 6 weeks and they do not seem to be slowing. I have severe thyroid issues and I all of a sudden was being over medicated. My levels dropped so low that they couldn't measure them. Low thyroid can cause palpitations so we figured that was the cause and lowered my medication. Well I have been on the lower dose and I am still having them. So I went into my doc and they did an EKG. I had this male nurse I had never met and I was a little embarrassed to be almost naked laying on the table. Yes I had a drape, but it sure didn't cover much...LOL. The results of the EKG looked pretty good and I managed to keep my composure. My doc wanted to have me do a halter monitor test just to make sure nothing too serious was happening. I have about 10 of these electrodes all over my chest and abdomen. I honestly do not anticipate this being anything serious. In fact I personally think it may be a form of anxiety. I have had a few panic attacks in the past, but over all I have not suffered from anxiety and I have never experienced heart palpitations. But I have been through a lot of trauma this past year and I know that it could just be manifesting itself. Hopefully we can get some clear cut answers by the middle of next week. For you enjoyment I have posted some beautiful pictures of my chest the the lovely white patches I have been sporting around. My 3rd graders think it is pretty cool that Mrs. Ramirez has white stickers stuck all over her with different colored wires, but they too are worried I am sick, so today for morning meeting I had to explain to them that I am OK and this is just to make sure everything is Ok with my heart.

My lovely patches and of course I own no high neck shirts that will fit me anymore, so I get to show them off!!!

It's amazing that this little device will measure everything they need to diagnose whats going on.

This is the stylish little case I get to wear around my waist. It brings back so many memories of the fanny pack era....LOL!!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My new blog

I have decided to start a new blog for my Rainbow. At this point I am just trying to get my journal entries posted from when I first found out I was expecting till now. It is kind of a slow process because life is hectic. The new blog is called Rainbow Reflections. It kind of has a double meaning for me and I guess it just seemed to fit. It is nothing fancy, but it is a place for me to talk about my feelings and update my readers about the progress of this pregnancy.

I just want to thank everyone for your support. This has been such a rough road and without your support I don't think I would be where I am at right now. Like they say hear in Utah I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

100th Blog Post and a special announcement!!!

I never thought in a million years I would be writing my 100th blog post on a blog dedicated to a son I lost. At this time last year I was about 8 weeks pregnant and looking forward to completing my family. I had many hopes and dreams for the sweet baby growing inside of me and I was unaware that in just a few short weeks my world would be turned upside down. This journey has been so hard, but in many ways so worth it. I miss my baby boy with all my heart and I would do anything to have him back. Through his loss I have developed many great friendships and a wonderful support system. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I was unaware of. I have become more compassionate because of his loss and I have chosen to give more of myself through service. I cherish my family so much more and I love myself for the strength and courage I have shown these past 9 months. Life will never be the same for us, but in many ways Juanito has made it better. He has shown as a different way of life and he has taught us so many things. I want to thank him for that.

Although we miss our sweet angel so much, we are excited to announce that Juanito is going to be a BIG BROTHER!!! It is so ironic that at this time last year I was 8 weeks pregnant with Juanito and now I am just a month further along than that with his brother or sister. Sometime in March we will welcome our new addition into our home and I know that Juanito will be there smiling down on us. For the next 6 months he will get to know his sibling and play with them while mommy and daddy try not to go insane with worry. I know Juanito will do his best to keep this little noodle safe, but this is in God's hands now. Juan and I both know that God has a plan for us and this baby and we have decided to just trust in Him.

Just a quick thought: If you have a blog you have dedicated to your rainbow pregnancy will you please leave the link here for me. I plan on starting a blog for my little rainbow and I would love to have links to all the blogs on there. Thanks!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The final question before the 100th post

This one comes from the mommy of 2 angels, Caroline. She asked,

Has losing Juanito changed you as a teacher ? What grade do you teach ?

Caroline, last year was really rough on me. I came back to my 3rd graders just 2 short weeks after I lost him and to be honest I was not ready. I had a team of teachers who were very willing to help out with lesson plans and it was just easier work wise to come back. I was very withdrawn and down. To make things worse we had some teachers who were making the whole school miserable. I developed a very bad depression and I am sure my students could tell. Fortunately I had the most amazing class last year and I absolutely loved them. They stepped up and took care of me. They knew I was hurting and their behavior in class became amazing! They tried harder and they wanted to please me. In a way they saved me. They distracted me enough that I was able to make it through each day. This year on the other hand is a rough group of kids. The socio-economic situation of the majority of my students is very low and so they need extra love and attention. I am more willing to do that for these kids. I have realized that it does not matter if they are not my own children God has sent them to be in my class for a reason and I am going to try and make a difference in their lives. Even if it is just one day and one small difference. So I guess Juanito's loss has made me a more caring person. He gave me something that I did not have before. He is such a special little guy and he definitely has made a huge difference in my life.

Thanks for the question!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Question #7

This question was submitted by Noah's mommy Celia.

Are there certain ways that you choose to honor and remember Juanito that are special to you or unique to you?

Celia I honest don't know if they are unique, but they are important to me. One of the biggest things I have decided and this has been within the last couple of months is that I am not going to worry about talking about him with people. I bring him up in conversations and if someone asks about my children I make sure to include him, even if it is just to say I have an angel in Heaven. I have chosen to honor him by talking about him. It don't care if they know me or not.

Another thing we have done is we have things that remind us about him throughout the house. We have his memorial plaque in a pot with a beautiful plant and his grave flowers in our living room. We have his name portraits hung in special rooms in our house. I keep his memory box on a shelf that we see everyday. My laptop wallpaper is a picture of us at the cemetery with him.

I don't know if this was the answer you were looking for, but I think I am your typical BLM and I do whatever I can to remember him and keep his memories alive. My biggest fear is that someday I will forget. I don't want this pain to ease because that might mean I will lose him. If that makes sense.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Question #6

This next question comes from Jenna's mommy Franchesca. She asked,

What things throughout your everyday life remind you of your sweet boy?

This is kind of a hard one to put into words for me, but I'm going to do my best! Juan and I hung up 2 very special name portraits of Juanito's name in our bedroom. One is made by you Fran from Jenna's alphabet (I have it laid out across the top of my blog under my header, but the one on our wall is on canvas and looks amazing!!!) and the other was painted by Stephanie ( you can see a picture of it in her gallery.) Every morning I wake up to those 2 portraits and he is the first thing that I think about. I have loved having him there with us as we sleep. It is nice to know that my little angel is watching over me every night. Often times any little green creature ( green birds, green butterflies, green dragonflies, green bugs) will make me think of my boy too. I think he probably would have loved bugs and gross things. He would have caught them in mason jars and brought them in to show me. I'm sure he would have also scared the crap out of me on occasion with the hiding of these "green things" in places we should not keep them too. Other things that make me think about all of my boys are stick horses and little boys in cowboy hats. My hubby is a modern cowboy and he loves to dress his boys in hats and boots. I know without a doubt that Juanito would have been one too. Whenever I see little ones dressed up I can't help but wonder what he would have looked like. I'm sure he would have been just as handsome as my other boys in the house. In fact his memory box has a little cowboy hat on a wooden stick horse burnt into the lid. These are all very pleasant to me an I just love to see them. Of course the occasional surprise of someone writing his name is a lot of fun too.

There are also different things that bug or upset me when they happen in everyday life. We have a few acquaintances that call my husband Juanito and I hate it!!! He is not Juanito! He is Juan. I have told them time and time again that Juanito is our son not my husband but they just don't get it. I have chosen to stay away from them for the time being. I also hate when people tell me that we should have named out 3rd son Juan or call him Juanito because he looks like his daddy. Yes my 3rd looks identical to his dad when his dad was a boy only in light skin, but he is named after his dad. They have the same middle name, which happens to be a family name. But we do have a son named Juanito after his daddy. He just isn't here for you to look at and admire. He's not with us to hear all the comparisons to his big brothers and daddy. He is not going to get that recognition like is big brothers and sister do. I know that none of these people are doing it to hurt us, but it is a very hurtful reminder every time it happens. We only have ONE Juanito in our family and he is very special to us.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Question #5

This question comes from Jack's mom, Melissa. She asked how did you choose the name Juanito?

In the Mexican culture or at least where my husband is from they are really big with naming children after their parents. Juan (my husband) had always said he wanted to name a son after him. The only problem is that Juan is an extremely common name and our last name is probably just as common. We have had so many problems with the mix-up of identification since we were married that I absolutely refused to do that to my children. Juan was accused of owing the state of Utah several grand for drug possesion charges that were never paid and we had to go to court and have his finger prints taken (which he has to carry with him at all times in case he was ever to be pulled over) just to prove it was not him. We have vehicle registrations from all over the state sent to our house of vehicles we do not own. He has had bill collectors harass him for past due accounts which were not his. Anyway I'm sure you get the picture. So when we found out that our 3rd was a boy I REFUSED to give him the first name of Juan. We did give him Juan's middle name though. After I got pregnant with Juanito Juan started teasing me again that this one was going to be Juan or Juana. Of course I laughed him off and said we will find a name to agree on. We did not know Juanito was a boy until I delivered him. We hadn't even really discussed names. Then one of the nurses from the night shift told us she wanted to make a crib card and name card for us. She asked if we had a name. I just looked over at Juan and said I want to name him after his daddy. So all the paperwork they gave us in the hospital says Juan. I felt it was perfect, but we had a problem. Every time we tried to talk about the baby and we said Juan our other kids were confused and thought we were talking about their dad, so we started to say Little Juan. Then one day one of us said Juanito which is Little Juan in Spanish. It just seemed to fit and that is what he has been known as ever since.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Question #4

My next question comes form Carleigh's mom Holly. She asked, What is your favorite way to remember your son?

Holly you had to choose a hard one for me. I honestly do not know my favorite way. I LOVE to see his name written places by my fellow BLMs. That always brings a huge smile to my face.
The way that has been the most healing for me has been to have started Juanito's Wish. When my cousin lost her baby boy the hospital she delivered at did nothing for her. No prints, molds, pictures, blankets, name card, certificate of birth...... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I do not blame the hospital for this and I don't think she does either. They just had not been trained on the different ways they could honor babies for their parents and ease so of the pain with going home empty handed. So with the help of my mom, my cousin and a few other ladies we have set up a program for that hospital and one about 30 miles away. Volunteers have made baby blankets, clothes and micro wraps. I purchased memory boxes, and many items to place in the box and my mom began educating herself and the staff on what they can do for Babyloss families. I was able to donate my first 2 boxes to the hospital about a month ago and I hope to have 8 more ready by Juanito's first birthday (I have posted pictures on the Juanito's wish link.) I will also be going down to the next nurses staff meeting and doing a presentation of Do's and Don'ts, comforting, and share my experience about my loss.
Well now that I have got it all written down, I think this is probably my favorite way to remember him. We are doing good in his name and to me that is the best way to remember him!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Question #3

My 3rd question comes from Sami's mom Lisette. She asked how did you and your husband meet? How has he changed your life?

This is a long one, but I will keep it as short as possible. I was working in a rural hospital here in Utah. I was a single mom at the time and one of my patients came in to deliver a baby. She to was a single mom, so we hit it off. I had been divorced for about a year by then, so I was ready to start dating again. She introduced me to a guy that was from the same town as Juan. We dated some and it was nice to just get out and experience life again. Through some of the gatherings I had seen Juan, but never noticed him as a potential boyfriend. He was just getting out of a 4yr relationship and was pretty torn up. I had enough baggage, so I stayed clear! About 4 months later we all decided to go Latin Dancing. Juan lived about 2 hrs away from our small town in "the big city" so we chose his house as the meeting place before heading out for a night of dancing. I was sitting on the couch by my friend when Juan walked through the front door. He worked construction, so he was dirty and covered in cement. It was so funny, because he came through the door stopped and turned towards me and just started. He never said a word. Just stared at me. When he finally broke his gaze and left to go shower I leaned over to my friend and told her that someday I was going to marry him. She thought I was crazy! Dancing was a blast. I danced with several of the guys, but every time Juan asked me to dance you could just feel the chemistry between us. Fast forward a month to our first official date on Jan. 5th. We knew there was going to be something special between us, but we never knew how quickly it would grow. We of course did the long distance dating thing. I would come up to his house or he would come down to mine on the weekends. We spent hours talking on the phone and there were weeks that I couldn't stand it, so I would drive the 2hr drive in about 1 1/2 hrs to just see him for the evening. I would have to get up early the next morning and drive back down to go to class, but it was worth it. Five months after our first date we were married!!! I finished my associates degree and moved up to the big city to be with him. I wish I could say and we lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER..... But we have had some very sad times in our marriage. One thing I do know though we have lived very madly in love the last 10 years!

Now for the second part of the question...... I don't know if I can say Juan has changed me, but I think we have changed as a couple. We almost function as 1 rather than 2 separate people. We are always there for each other regardless of the situation. We have been through some really rough times together and there may be times that I don't think we will ever be able to pull through and then somehow we do and we are so much closer and stronger for it. We have evolved so much over the past ten years and I am so thankful I have him by my side each and every day!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Question #2

This question comes from Antoinette, mommy to Alyssa. Her blog is private, so sorry friends no snooping allowed. Where is your favorite place to vacation, and where would you have taken Juanito for his first trip?

My favorite place to vacation is Mexico. I love it there. I have visited Cancun, Mexico City, and most of the state Jalisco. My husband is from a small town called Cofradia de la luz. It is about 2 hours outside of Guadalajara. I love to go down and just hang out with family and friends. Well and going to news places is pretty fun too.

I have a tradition with my kids that just before their 2nd birthday I take them down to meet the family. Once they turn 2 you have to pay for 2 plane tickets you know....LOL! It is just us 2 out to have a good time and bond with Juan's family. We would have had small family vacations before hand, camping trips, over nighters, weekends with my family, but Juanito's very first big vacation would have been to go to Mexico with his mommy. It's hard to think we won't be able to do that, but next time I go I will take a piece of him with me and leave it there, so he can always be a part of that special trip with me.

Thanks Ann for the question. It was a very good one!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Question #1

Sarita Boyette was my first to respond to the question post and her question is: How has blogging helped your heart after Juanito's passing? I know it has helped me tremendously, even just to read what other's have to say on their blogs.

Sarita that is a very good question. I was a family blogger before I lost Juanito, so I was very familiar to the blogging scene, but I do not have any friends IRL that have lost babies. That is until 1 month prior to me losing Juanito a cousin of mine lost a baby boy around 18 weeks (Megan you can correct me if I am wrong.) So I figured that I needed to leave my family blog as a family blog and make a blog just for Juanito. It would not be fare to my other children if I allowed this grief to take away from those I have here with me. One day one of my readers left me a comment with URls to a few babyloss blogs and from there my eyes were opened to a whole new world. There were 100's of women who were just like me and knew exactly what I was going through that blogged about it. I could ask questions, get feedback on situations and just plain know I was not alone. It has helped to have a place just for me to vent and talk about my loss openly. Well and to know that those reading understand me. They know how difficult this is and they are not quick to judge in this world. Things that are not normal in the "real world" are completely normal here and that has helped so much. So Sarita I don't know if that is the answer you are looking for, but in all honesty blogging has saved my life. It has been the therapy I have needed.

P.S. I am still in need of some more questions!!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

100th blog post very near.....

So as I near my 100th blog post I am going to play the same question game that many of my fellow blogger friends have played. Leave me a question as a comment and I will be honest and answer it. It can be about anything you would like to know about me or my family (lets keep it clean though....LOL) For my 100th I have a very special post I have been working on that I hope my readers will enjoy. I know from reading other friends blog questions that this a a fun way to reach that milestone.

So let the questions begin!!!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Am I going crazy????

I found a website that makes real life babies for babyloss moms. The price depends on the kits you use, but she is so willing to work with you. I want one! I know that Juanito wasn't far enough along to be able to make an exact replica of him, but all of my kids have been very similar in size and characteristics. The only difference was Mitch came out as my white boy. I want to send in newborn pics of my other kids and have a baby made in memory of Juanito. Am I going crazy? Is it weird that I want to try and crate a doll that I think would have looked like him? I just want to be able to hold a baby in my arms and know that this is what he could've/would've looked like. Maybe it's going a little too far, but I still want one. What do you as fellow babyloss moms think? Am I going too far? Is it morbid of me? Am I crazy... OK don't answer that one because I already know the answer...LOL

I just want some advice and thoughts from my friends!

A good day and exciting news

Today I woke up in a good mood! Things seem to be just right! Nothing has changed, but I just have a good feeling about today. Maybe it's that it is Friday and I get to spend 2 days with my family. Maybe its that I had a good nights sleep. Maybe I have just decided that it is time to think positively. I don't know but I will take it!!!

Juan and I have also been asked to be Godparents yet again. We really are very excited and it is such an honor. It will take place on Nov. 7th. Her mom is a single mom and it was such an honor for her to choose us because if anything was to happen to her we would be responsible for her daughter's wellbeing. We already have 2 Godsons and 3 Goddaughters. We have been asked to baptize another little girl sometime next year. I just LOVE my Godkids! I think of them as my own. I always said I wanted a lot of kids and in a way it's going to happen. I may not be able to raise them in my home, but I will get to have a big part in there lives.

Life is just good today!!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Moving On....

This might sound horrible, but do any of you ever just want to move on because you are just so emotionally exhausted? That is how I am feeling today. I feel very lost with where I am at these days. I don't feel like I belong to any one group any more and that is very confusing! I just want to move on and not have to worry about anything or have to be the voice for my son who died, so people will remember him. I just want to move on from all these bad things that have happened to me and "forget" them. I know I can never forget my son or the short time I had with him. I love him too much for that, but today I just want to move on!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

When it rains it pours

I just got home from work and found out that my husband's work has slowed down so much that they hardly are going to work. He was off all last week and will be off next week if his boss can't win bids on some jobs. Granted I am stable for the year, but unfortunately my salary doesn't pay all the bills. I wish we could just get a break from it all!!! We need some good things to come our way. I just want everything to work out and for us to be happy again. I honestly wouldn't care if we lost everything if we could just be happy!!! I'm just very frustraited with the direction things have gone lately. Hopefully good things can start to come our way!