Friday, October 29, 2010

10 Months

Happy 10 months in Heaven my sweet baby boy!!! I honestly can't believe it has been 10 months since we said hello and goodbye all at the same time. This week has been an emotional one to say the least. I love Halloween and it has been really hard no being able to plan out our Halloween with Juanito here. I should have a 6 month old wearing a purple Teletubby costume my mom made for my oldest. It has been a tradition to have each child wear this costume their first Halloween. I wish I had him here with us today to parade him around the school and show him off to all my colleagues and students. I know they would be just oohing and awing all over him. They would be happily passing him back and forth and he would be just a ham for all of them. Then it would be his momma's turn and he would snuggle right down into my shoulder and probably drift off to sleep form all the excitement. But that is only my dream of what I wish could have been. I miss him so much. I know he is in a better place and smiles down on us everyday, but that doesn't make this grief I feel any less. He is a perfect spirit now and I can't wait for the day I will get the chance to hold him again and make up all the lost time. 10 months seems like an eternity, but at the same time, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Little man mommy is so proud of you and I know you are up there doing so many good things. You were such a strong little guy even when your environment was less than perfect for you. I wish things could have turned out differently, but for some reason you were not meant to be here on earth. I think about you on a daily basis and I imagine what you would have looked like and acted like. I can't wait for the day that we can be reunited and make up for all the many days and nights we spent apart. I hope you have a gigantic halloween party with all your friends this weekend.
Keep a close eye on your baby sister. If she is anything like you big sister she needs to have someone keep a close watch on here. I know you 2 are having so much fun and I am so happy for that.
I love you and miss you so much!!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Rainbow Blog

I know how hard it can be to read about a pregnancy when you are not ready, so I have decided to start a blog for my Rainbow. This will be the last post for a while about my rainbow on this blog. If you are interested in reading about the progress of this pregnancy you can go to

I really want to thank everyone who has supported me through these last 9 months. It has really meant so much to me.

Monday, October 11, 2010


SO I want to hear your thoughts on calling living children angels? Before I lost Juanito I know that I used this label for my living children at times. What parent doesn't? Then I lost him and I learned the true meaning of what an angel is. I am having such a rough time hearing people call their living children angels. It really bothers me. I wish it didn't, but it does. For me the only children that should be able to use the term angel are those that have left this earth too soon and live in Heaven. They are the only ones who should be called angels. What are your feelings on the topic? Does it bother you? Have you been able to get past it? Is it something that will pass for me too? I am just curious.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Juanito's Wish is Being Sponsored!!!

Jenna Belle's mommy Franchesca over at Small Bird Studio is sponsoring Juanito's Wish for the month of October. A portion of all proceeds she makes from blog makeovers will go to help fund our memory boxes. Fran is so talented and just an amazing person. She designed Juanito's blog for me and did a wonderful job. Please go over and check her out! If you were even thinking about re-doing your blog Fran is the gal for you. Plus you would be helping out a great cause!!!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Bad dreams and my pathology report

I have been having lots of dreams lately that Juanito was a girl. It has really bothered me. What if he really was and we have been honoring this little boy when we should have been honoring a little girl? So I got brave yesterday and I pulled out the pathology reports. He def. was a boy! There is no doubt about it!!! In big bold letters written in the first sentence was the word MALE! That really made me feel better. I also took my time and read the report. There really was a second hemorrhage/abruption and that was his cause of death. Why I didn't comprehend this when I read the report the first time I don't know, but this time I did. How the heck I didn't die from it, I don't know. Silent abruptions are almost always a death sentence for pregnant women. I did some research and the abruption is probably what caused me to hemorrhage after I delivered too. The clots that had formed broke away and it caused the flood gates to open. The pathology of the placenta showed it was 100% intact, so there was no way it was retained placenta that they had to do the D&C for. Had it just been placenta I would never have had to be packed with gauze for 6 hours afterward. It is so weird how our minds can only deal with so much and I was overloaded with grief when I first got those results. I honestly do understand a lot of medical terminology from my nursing background and it really was not hard for me to interpret, but I just couldn't handle it at the time. I am thankful that I did get up the courage to read that report again. It really did give me more insight to the whole situation.

Friday, October 1, 2010

9 months

I can't believe it has been 9 months since I held my sweet baby boy! Wow 9 months! It seems like it has been so long yet I remember it like it was yesterday. The short time I had him with me was such an amazing time and I would do it all over again just to know I would get to hold him again. I miss him so much, but I know he is up there watching over us. What a special little boy!

I have officially made it through the 3 trimesters of what a pregnancy should be. So, am I cured? Nope! Never! I will never be through this. I guess you can say I am now a newborn learning how to live life. I am back to "normal" Not the old normal, but the new one. This is me. I am forever changed, but I know I can learn to live again. I will slowly enter the infant stage, toddler stage, childhood and so on. I will learn how to make it through this life as I slowly grow.