Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Juanito's Wish Project

Today marks 8 weeks since I lost my sweet little boy and I have finally decided that I am going to jump head first into his project. I had mentioned in an earlier post about 2 rural hospitals that did not have any programs set up for families that lose their babies too soon. My mom happens to be materials manager at one of those hospitals. They are amazing places but they just have not been educated in how to handle these situations or what types of things they can do for these families. So through my experience with loosing Juan my mom has been able to take the first steps in getting something going. It's a start, but not quite enough. This is where Juanito's Wish Project is going to come into effect. I have decided to put together memory boxes my mom can have on hand to give these grieving families. I want to be able to include various items in each box that the family can keep as rememberances for their sweet angel. I really want this to be an on-going project for the hospital my mom work's at. I think this is something that my sweet boy would have wanted me to do. I miss him so much and I really want to do good in his name.

Update:
I've received a couple of emails asking if they can help in any way. I guess donations would be awesome. 100% of the money will go towards making these boxes. You can contact me at jymr05@juno.com and we can work something out. Thank you so much for all your kindness.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Is it Denial? I need advice!

I find myself wanting to look for baby stuff. I feel an urgancy for it. I have a desire to decorate a nursery. I don't want to loose weight (although I desperately need to.) I find myself looking at maternity clothes at the store. I catch myself wanting to look up baby names. I'm afraid that I am still in denial with the loss of my son. It was 7 weeks ago yesterday that he came into this word. I'm honestly feeling like I am working through it and doing ok. I just don't understand this urgancy feeling I feel deep inside me. I feel desperate, but I'm not sure what for. I ache for my son and what he could have been. I ache for my other children who ask about him on a daily basis. I just plain ache! I know he is gone and that I won't get the opportunity to have him here on earth. I know that someday I will be with him again. I know that I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. I know all of that yet I am filled with this anxious desperate feeling. Is it normal? Am I ok? Do I secretly not want to let go of him and pretend like it hasn't happened? I honestly don't understand what is going on with me right now. I wish the insanity would stop and I could just move forward to the future or back to where everything was normal. To being pregnant and excited to welcome my sweet little baby into my home. I'm not sure what to do. Do I hurry up and get pregnant with a rainbow baby? Will that help my healing? I need some advice. What has worked for you? What has helped other baby loss moms deal with all of it? I just don't know where to go from here.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Juanito's Valentine

This sweet Valentine was made for Juanito by another baby loss mom Birni. All these little things really help get us through these hard days. Thank You!!!

Friday, February 12, 2010

What a week with ups and downs

So this week has been like a giant roller coaster ride. I have had some amazing days where I just can't help but smile and then others where it has taken all my strength to keep it together. We had a family here in Utah that lost 2 girls to a very tragic accident. Gas from pellets placed by a pest control company leaked into the house. They lost a 4 year old and a 15 month old. This has been very hard on me. I was talking to my mom about it and it dawned on me that I no longer look at death the same way. Before when someone passed I felt bad and prayed for the family, but it didn't really interrupt my normal daily activities (unless I was attending the funeral.) Now that I have truly lost someone and felt real heartbreak it is different. My heart breaks right along with the family. Even strangers. I guess I really understand the type of pain and heartbreak they are feeling. It's kind of weird for me. I am so thankful that I can understand what the family is going through and know what they feel, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to experience it. I hate that I have to understand and feel that pain and experience it every time I hear of someone passing. I feel that pain over and over.
Somebody please tell me it will lessen and get better with time! I hope it does. This is really hard for me and I hate to feel the pain so often.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How sweet the feeling...... The day has come

Today marks the 4 week mark since we lost our sweet angel. With the help of my husband I was able to go and request my medical records from the doctor's office and hospital. Everyone was so caring and they even took the time to copy the records right there while we waited. In the past I have had to wait up to a couple of weeks to get them. It was a bitter/sweet moment finally having those papers in my possession.. I am able to read through the different reports and remember some of the events that had become blurry due to all the medication they gave me prior to surgery. Another piece of information I found was the pathology reports from the placenta and our angel. I was right he was PERFECT! They found nothing wrong with his Earthly body which only reassures me that he had an even more PERFECT SPIRIT! They were able to see where the original hemorrhage had occurred and the evidence of a more recent one. I now know with out a doubt that my baby was only meant to have a body so he could return to live with our savior.

Another big event that took place in my healing process was that I finally had my tubes placed in both ears today. This was the last of my health issues I wanted to address before we considered trying again. I tried to have them done last week in the doctor's office, but due to odd shaped canals he was unable to place them. I was annoyed that I would have to take a full day off work and have to be placed under general anaesthesia yet again, but I am so thankful now that he couldn't. I had some great pre-op nurses who were nice to talk to and gave me some great advice to help my Hoshimoto's disease, but that is not the best part. After the surgery while I was in the recovery room I felt someone holding my hand. At first I thought it was my recovery nurse trying to arouse me, but as I was coming more to I looked over and saw a little boy holding my hand. I don't remember much about his features other than he was darker complected like my older 2 kids. I know with all my heart that I was not hallucinating and this was my little angel letting me know that he was alright and that we were going to be OK. It was the little "thing" I have been waiting for these past few weeks.

I wasn't sure if I should share my experience with you or not, but in the end I decided to . My followers are my family and I love each and everyone of you. I know that some of you may think that I was imagining it all and that's OK. You are entitled to your own thoughts and beliefs. I, however, feel like the Lord does mysterious things to help those who are grieving and he knew I needed this. I now know without a doubt I have a guardian angel who will always be close to me and help me through the trials I will experience here on earth.

I love you baby boy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and pray for you. Know that mommy and daddy love you and miss you. Thank you for all you have taught us. Not only did you bring our family closer together, but you taught us humility, strength , faith, courage and how to focus on what we have here with us right now. I know that someday I will be able to hold you in my arms and have all eternity to spend with you. Know that your brothers and sister love you and have you in their hearts. You gave our family what they needed to cherish every moment!
We Love You Our Sweet Angel!

Love,
Mommy

Venting.....

So I have had a few really good days and today was no different until my mother-in-law called Mexico. One of Juan's cousins just gave birth to twins. They were early and her baby boy passed away. Her sweet girl was transported to a NICU in Guadalajara. As far as we know she is holding her own, but details are sketchy due to the fact the his cousin doesn't want anything to do with her. I am so MAD right now!!! She took the little boy home and buried him in a back pasture. She tried to hide the fact that he even existed. She won't go see her little girl who is fighting for her life and in fact will probably abandon her. Juan does have an uncle who has been married for about 14 yrs. and has not been able to have children. I am praying that they will be able to adopt her and give her the life she deserves. It is so not fair! I wanted my baby so badly and he was taken from me and this (swear word) was given 2 and didn't take care of herself, so one died and she doesn't want the other. What is wrong with this picture???? I'm just going to say it.... It's not fair!!!! I am praying for this little girl. I hope she can have a happy ending. If things don't work out for Juan's uncle I will fly down there and bring her home with me. This cousin doesn't deserve to have her.

On top of all that, I was just given the news that a friend's sister lost her baby today. She was 1 week further along than I was when I delivered. Her sweet angel girl lived for 1 hour before she returned home. So all the feelings I had came flooding back. My heart is breaking for her right now. Please keep her in your prayers. She is going to need all that she can get for awhile.

Ok my venting session is over. It really does help to just write it down and get it out. I will post some more upbeat and positive things soon I promise.

Answers...... and the healing process

I had a consultation with a Perinatologist yesterday and I was given many answers to all the questions and concerns I have had since we lost the baby. She was absolutely amazing and gave me the 1 answer that I have been waiting for for a couple of weeks now. What happened! I guess you could call it a series of events that led up to the loss, but it all started with the subchorionic hemorrhage that I experienced around 14 weeks. The hemorrhage was not enough to cause me to loose the baby at that point, but as time went on the baby became dehydrated and quit making fluid. The fluid levels started to decrease and eventually became so low that the the cord became compressed and the baby passed away. I have seen quit a few doctors since I lost the baby and each has given me a clean bill of health. I have wanted to ensure that when we begin trying again that there is nothing with my health that would cause us to go through this again. I was completely reassured yesterday that there is no possibility that my health and history could cause this kind of hemorrhage resulting in a loss. She told me that we could start trying immediately if we would like and that she would follow me very closely during my next pregnancy to ensure all potential issues could be addressed immediately.

This has been an experience that I would not wish any mother or family to go through. I know that I was chosen to have this special spirit pass through my life and I will someday have the opportunity to be with him. I also feel that I was not supposed to have lost him at 14 weeks when the bleed happened. Through my experience I will be able to help other mothers who experience a loss. I was lucky enough to have a program called Common Bonds come into my life and ease the pain by giving me "memories" of my angel. I was able to share this experience with my mom who works in a rural hospital and with the help of some amazing people (some who have been through this very situation) has begun to set up this very program in 2 small town hospitals. Before this, mothers went home empty handed and broken hearted and now they will at lest be given some small tokens to remember their sweet angels by. I have been given some comfort in knowing this was not a total loss. I am using it to educate and help others. I hope to someday be able to be more directly involved in helping other families with their losses. I know it will take time to heal from my loss, but when the time comes I will be there for others and I hope that I will be able to give them the comfort they need during these tough situations.

2 weeks....

It has been 2 weeks today since our little angel returned home. I feel like I have handled it better than I ever thought I would. I've had more good days than bad. I am still very anxious to return to work and be around people. I know that sounds weird, but I am afraid of loosing my composure in front of them. I have always been able to keep it together during difficult times and I have not been able to control any part of this, so it has been really hard. Juan has been such a huge support for me through all this. I love him more now than I ever have. Unfortunately, he has had to work out of town the last couple of weeks and that has taken it's toll on me. It is so hard being alone. It's when I am laying in bed at night that I am hit with all the unwanted emotions. It isn't fair! Why me? God can't really think that I am strong enough to do this. Everyone tries to tell me it will become easier with time, but thats not what I want to hear. I want to be told that this was all a bad dream and everything is ok. I want to feel my baby kicking inside me again. I want my family to be whole again. I only had him with me for such a short amount of time, yet I had bonded with him. I had a connection with this little baby and he was taken from me too soon. I am just glad that I have such a strong faith and know that this was not the end. My angel is with our Heavenly Father. He is happy and did not have to endure the trials here on earth. I know we will be with him again and have the chance to love him. Today has just been one of those rough days.

I do want to thank all of you who have been here for us. All of your love, thoughts, and prayers has helped to ease the pain. I hold a special place in my heart for each of you.