Friday, April 30, 2010

The phone calls have officially started....

I have received 3 calls in the last 2 days asking how I was feeling and if I had had the baby yet. Well let me just say that I haven't fared to well. The 1st called happened while we were visiting some good friends of ours. It was Dylan's Godmother and she was calling to invite us to a dinner she was having. Well we haven't see each other since Christmas, so she asked if I could even come because the baby had to be due any day now. I did OK telling her what happened, but just as soon as I hung up the phone I lost it. So there I am sitting at a friend's house a complete and total mess. We had to cut the visit short.

Then the next day some friends called from California. Luckily they called Juan's phone both times, but I was sitting by him. As soon as he said that I had lost the baby I lost it again. I had to go lock myself in our bedroom, so the kids wouldn't see me, and just cry. Juan has been really good at filtering as much of this for me as he can, but I keep getting hit off guard.

We, however are partially to blame. We were both so devastated when we lost Juanito that we couldn't bring ourselves to call everyone and tell them. My parents and siblings were excellent at telling my side of the family, Juan's not so much. His mom didn't tell anyone. We did tell some of our closest friends thinking that they would spread the word, but again they didn't say a word. So Juan and I have been left to tell our story over and over again. Juan is Mexican and I can't speak for all Latinos, but those that are from his area sure don't like to talk about death. It is taboo for them, so I am always aware of who cheated, who got in trouble with the law, who hates who, so and so got into a cat fight and my personal favorite....... Juan and Michelle are_________________________. Fill in the blank and I'm sure someone has said it about us. They are just jealous!!!! BUT when I really needed everyone to gossip about us, no one said a word and I am stuck reliving it every time I have to tell someone that no I am not about ready to deliver and no I don't have a baby.

MY BABY IS DEAD!!!

Did everyone hear that? MY BABY IS DEAD SO QUIT CALLING!!!!

I have some big hurdles coming up. By this I mean parties and gatherings in which I haven't seen some of the people since we announced the pregnancy. Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the strength I can get right now.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

CAUTION........ Michelle's an idiot! LOL

I'm horrible at having a thought and not fully writing it down. (Better double check)
I open mouth and insert foot on a regular basis. (I should learn to walk on my hands)
I am the best PMSer you will ever see. (Just ask the school social worker today....LOL)
I can't type worth beans, so I misspell all the time. (and yes I am a school teacher)
I am not the world's best anything and I'm OK with that. (But don't tell my kids that)
I regularly feel like the town idiot. ( I live in a city and not a town, so that's bad)

But I love each and everyone of my blogger friends and I want to say a special sorry to Ann, who was a first hand witness of one of my many mistakes. Ann you are an amazing mom and everyone who knows you can see that.
If I ever write anything on anyone's blog that you question, please call me on it (Thanks Ann for doing that) because chances are I was having one of my many moments!!!

I am so thankful for all of you! You are the only ones who truly understand what I am going through and how to help me deal. Without my blogger friends I would still be a lost little puppy dog. I hope you will continue to help me and my erroneous ways ( LOL) through this not so great adventure.

Thanks Guys!!!!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I held a baby today.

One of my student's mom comes in once a week and teaches a JR achievement lesson. She had a baby in February. We had spent the majority of the school year talking about our pregnancies and how excited she was especially because she had a MC before she got pregnant this time. Well then I lost Juanito and she stopped comming in as much because she didn't want to upset me. I understood and I was thankful. I couldn't bare to see her ready to deliver and still keep it together for my students. Well since she has had the baby she has always come in when the baby was sleeping and kept her covered up, so I wouldn't have to see her.

Well today the little one had other plans. She slept through a big portion of the lesson, but decided that she wanted to see what was going on. I was forced to get her out of her carseat and hold her. I was OK. She is cute and I had fun snuggling with her. I didn't even shed a tear. It was as if nothing bad had ever happen to me and I was back to normal. I was so proud of myself !!!

Well it has now be a couple of hours and my arms are aching to hold a baby. I feel a desperation to have a baby in my arms. What was I thinking? What I could just go back to like it was before. Holding a baby, having fun and then giving it back?!?! Well that didn't happen and now I am screwed!!! I am left with an emptiness in both my heart and arms. Will this ache ever go away?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

We finally listed our house.

Well Juan and I have finally decided it is time to close this chapter in our lives and move forward. Our house officially went on the market this morning. We realize that with the way the market is right now that it might take several months to sell, but we figured that if we didn't do it, we never would. I honestly do not know where we are going to go from here. We have found a house in Salina UT that we both love, but I do not have a job as of yet. We are also kind of thinking that maybe we should head to Mexico for awhile. We have been praying a lot and we both know that the Lord will guide us to where we should be.

To see the listing click here.

Oh and yes my husband did all the amazing rock and brick work. Our backyard looked like a desert with tumble weeds and all when we moved in. I am so proud of the work we have done on this house and I hope that a family that can love this house like we have buys it and makes many loving memories.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days.....

since I held my baby!

Why are some people so ignorant?

Not sure why, but this post is showing up weird, so you may have to decipher it some.

Last night I was still feeling sorry for myself. A few more Facebook friends announced that they were expecting and 2 posted pics of their newborn babies.
So I posted: How many more people are going to announce their pregnancies and births before I get my chance? Life sucks right now............ I know I sound like a broken record. It went something like that and all i was needing were some hugs and I'm sorry's nothing big. But what I got was this message:
"So basically you're saying that people should just stop sharing their happy news  because a few people may be offended?  That's not fair.  They aren't intentionally  rubbing it in anyone's face.  Facebook is about sharing news with family and friends, you  have to take the good with the bad.  No one means to be offensive, life just goes  on."
Well my question to you is: Does life go on? How many of you have just said oh well life goes on? Well I sure as heck haven't and I'm pretty sure none of you have either. So I commented back trying to still be the bigger person and explained that our hearts were broken, so not only are we trying to find all the pieces but our would has stopped completely.
She then preceded to tell me that she knows pain because she has a special needs child. We all have our trials and it is our choice how we want to deal with them. I again responded letting her know that I too have a special needs child and we have decided to treat her like a normal child, but this is nothing like that.
Anyway long story short. If you can't say something nice especially to a grieving parent don't say nothing at all.
I am always so happy for the parents that are expecting and I thank GOD every time a baby is born to this world healthy, but that does not change my pain and I need FB support just the same as expecting parents want congratulations.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The famous question

Yep this is a 2 post day. I was just updating my status on Facebook when my cousin who lives in Idaho IM's me to see how we are doing and what we have been up to. Then he hits me with... "You are having another kid soon right?"

The tears started flowing. Nope I'm not having another one. He was taken from me. I don't get to have him here. I have to wait for who knows how long to have that kid. Instead I get to sit here writing about him, looking and pictures of his name, trying to do good in his name, and trying to hide the pain I feel everyday!!! NO I AM NOT HAVING A KID SOON!!!!

Well I didn't answer that way, but I sure felt it. I have had to tell 3 people today that we lost the baby and it's not one of my strong days that I can do it and still hold it all together. Ok today just plain sucks! I am so glad it is over and I am praying that tomorrow will be better.

One of those days...

I have a couple of blog awards that I need to post about, but today is not the day for that. Much thanks to those who sent them my way. I will post when I am feeling a little more up. This evening is turning out to be one of those that just get you down. My students where especially talkative today and I had some important things I needed to cram into their little heads before end of year testing started and the little stinkers felt like talking would be better.

I was so looking forward to coming home and relaxing with the family. My cute hubby got home early today, so we hung out under the shade of our willow tree for and then decided that the poor chickens need some new straw. So we made a little place for them to hang out so we could change the straw. One of the biggest ones was acting kind of funny. He wasn't spooking like the others, so I picked him up and started caressing him. I told my husband I thought something was wrong, but he just said he was still recovering from when our puppy got in and played too rough.
***Oh I forgot to post it, but Bear our amazingly calm dog killed 4 of the chickens including the chick that I took the pictures of the egg with. I was devastated, but Juan went out and bought some to replace them that very day. We had 17 then one more died a few days later, so we were down to 16.

OK so any way I was holding it and Juan needed something so I put it down. When I put it down it took a few steps forward stumbled and started seizing. It died right there in front of me. I've had to hide the pain, but it broke my heart. I kept asking Juan if it was something I did, but he said no that it looked like it had been stepped on, but I don't know how????? Well that just started it off. I have been reminded over and over this past week and a half that I should be very pregnant or holding a sweet baby boy in my arms. Everyone I know has started delivering their babies and making happy posts about the days to come and I am forever reminded that I will not have that happiness this year.

My oldest will be turning 12 in less than a month and my baby will be 3. I am really having a hard time seeing them grow up. This has never affected me before. I have never been one of those moms who breaks down when they see the little one off to their first day of Kindergarten. Don't get me wrong I missed them terribly and couldn't wait to hear all about their day, but I have always been one to hide my tears. Well not anymore. I am devastated that they are growing up. I am not ready to move forward yet time is not standing still for me. I miss my baby and I want him so badly!!! For my sake I just need this next month to fly by and get past these "celebrations'' before I loose it completely.

Baby boy mommy loves you and misses you so much. I am so sorry that I could not keep you safe. I would have done anything had I known. I know God has bigger plans for you, but today that does not bring me comfort. I am doing my best to do good in your name and I promise I won't let you down sweet boy.
xoxo,
Mommy


Thursday, April 15, 2010

I need your help...... Actually my kiddos need your help!

My cute 12 year old and 8 year old have decided to participate in a walk-a-thon. All money that they earn will be donated to underprivileged students at a local school. They really want to be able to do this in honor of their little angel brother. I thought it was so sweet when they came to me and said they wanted to do it for Juanito. The only problem is all money has to be turned in by the 26th of April. With my surgery and everything that has been going on I didn't realize that the walk-a-thon was this month. So I am asking all my friends for help with pledges. Any amount will help these 2. If you would be willing to help out please leave me your full name, what state you live in, your email address and the amount you can pledge in a comment and I will email you our mailing address. Checks can be made out directly to Suncrest Elementary if you would prefer not to send cash. Also if you could just pass on the word about this to your friends I would really appreciate it. Juanito's due date is fast approaching and instead of celebrating his birth we will be doing good in his name. THANKS!!!!

UPDATE: I didn't think about it, but if you would rather send it via paypal I can send you an email request! Thanks to Franchesca for reminding me!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

All my many Thank Yous!!!

Ok I have been such a slacker with publicly thanking those who have taken pictures of Juanito's name, sent little gifts, made gifts, and just plain did something nice for me during this time. I am not going to post pictures of what they did but I have finally attached their blog to the pictures in the sidebars of my blog. So here goes the list and the many THANK YOUS from my family and I. You have helped to make this trying time easier for us. For that I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Franchesca- Juanito's name collage and my blog makeover
Brini- Juanito's valentine
Jill-Juanito's rock pictures
Lisette-Juanito's Easter egg
Antoinette-Juanito's Daisy
Carly-Juanito's name in the sand and Juanito's Rose
Jaime- Juanito's name on the ice
Jennifer-Juanito's name in the clouds
Amanda-Juanito's name in the stars
Lisa-Juanito's name at the waterfall
Grandma of an angel-Juanito's name by the shells
Bree-Juanito's butterfly
Laura-Juanito's name meaning
Tiffany-Juanito's name on the sidewalk
Lea-Juanito's angel wings
Misty-Juanito's shell and cherub

Things I have not posted pictures of yet due to memory card issues are (You will get another thanks later!):
My Juanito Photo pendant
My awareness bracelet
My memory box
My grieving package
My handkerchief
My wooden plaque
My Juanito embroidered frame
My comfort bear

Well and just a great big THANK YOU to all my blog readers. I am so thankful to have you as my support. I wish none of us had to be in this situation, but since we are I am thankful for each and everyone of you! You have helped me through this grieving process and helped me to understand that what I am feeling is normal. Without you this would be a much more difficult road. Well and to be honest an even sadder road to travel.




Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My blood is boiling right now...............

Mother charged after leaving 13-month-old son alone for days
April 13th, 2010 @ 10:20am

SALT LAKE CITY -- Prosecutors have filed charges against a Salt Lake City woman for allegedly leaving her 13-month-old son alone for days, the Deseret News reports.

Police were called back in November to the woman's apartment near 700 South and 900 West after her landlord heard crying. They went inside and found the baby by himself on the floor. They say each room was littered with food and garbage.

Officers waited for three hours, but nobody returned for the child.

Prosecutors say the mother, Jacqueline Lyneetr Vides, finally admitted that she had last seen her boy two days before he was found.

Sunday, they filed a child abandonment charge against Vides, a third-degree felony.


I just read this story on KSL.com and my jaw dropped to the floor!!!

How could anybody do that? Really? See it's things like this that really upset me. My baby would never have been left alone and especially not for 3 friggen days!!!! I just wish I had a greater understanding of why people who do not want babies or care about their babies get them and those of us who want them more than anything in the world and we have the means to care for them properly are left empty handed and broken hearted. It is just not fair. I wish I could take that little one into my arms and hold him and protect him from that awful person who calls herself his mom!!! She has no idea!!!

I passed the PRAXIS!!!

I just got my results and I have to share. In the state of Utah you are required to take 2 PRAXIS tests within your first 3 years of teaching. The first I took while I was still in college. No big deal, but I have been so consumed with other things that I forgot all about the 2nd PRAXIS until a friend of mine posted that she passed on Facebook. I kind of freaked out, but I signed up immediately and I was supposed to have taken it in January. I had to reschedule because I didn't think I would be mentally ready so soon after loosing Juanito, so I took it March 13th. Talk about a long wait! I just got my results and I got a 189 out of 199!!! I am so stinking excited. All I have left is my portfolio to turn in and I have my Tenure!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Telling Juanito's story

Well I did it and I was able to get through it without completely loosing it. We went to visit our youngest Goddaughter yesterday. She is so stinking cute!!! She turned 1 in October, but she is about the size of a 9 month old. Both her parents are really short, so it's ok. Well during our visit her grandma from mom's side showed up. She knew I had been pregnant, but was unaware that I had lost Juanito. She said for as far along as you are you sure are not showing. I looked around quickly for a hole to climb into, but since there where none I had to face her and tell his story.

I did it and I survived. I tried so hard to pull myself out of it emotionally and use my nursing experience to tell the story. I stayed as technical/medical as I possibly could and tried not to get into the emotional side of it too much. That really helped. Although I felt very guilty afterwards. I know Juanito would not be mad. He knows how hard this is for me and he understands, but I couldn't help but feel bad that I couldn't cry and be more open about my feelings. The house was full of people and had I lost it in front of all of them it just wouldn't have been a good idea. So I buried my feelings and explained things like I would have to a patient or a co-worker.

I am very grateful for those 7 years I worked on Labor/Delivery and Mom/baby. I learned so much about how pregnancies and birth work. There is no guarantee in life. Things that are going so smoothly can change drastically. Babies that you would think will never make it pull through and do great. Life is such an unknown. Had I not had those 7 years I would have blamed myself for losing Juanito. I suffered 2 hemorrhages which caused my son to pass away, but with the knowledge I have I know there is nothing I could have done to cause or stop them.

We all have our ways of coping and dealing with things and I guess I have found mine. As Spring comes full board I will find myself having to explain the lack of a belly or newborn baby more and more. When Juan and I were married in the church in September we announced to all our family and friends that we were expecting. Since then we have sheltered ourselves and have only told those on a need-to-know basis. The next couple of months are going to be rough, but I know I have my sweet baby bot by my side holding my hand. He will help me through this.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Juanito's Plaque


Well it's been ordered and should be here within a couple of weeks, just in time for Memorial Day. We haven't been able to do it so my sweet parents did it for us. They have been wanting to do something for Juan and I for awhile now, but I couldn't think of anything they could go other than listen to me when I need to talk. Then out of the blue my mom calls and says it has been ordered and we will have it in time to put up at the cemetery for Memorial Day. We are also planning on planting a tree in his honor at my parents house that same weekend.

Wow this makes it so real. Instead of having a newborn in my arms that weekend I will have a plaque to look at. Somehow it doesn't seem fair. Shouldn't it be my children placing flowers on my grave not me on theirs? This is so not right!!!

Quote..... Apology

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

I came across this quote today and wow it hit me. It is so true. I feel like I have been bad mouthing a person that can't defend himself, so I want to apologize for my last post. I didn't know where else I could go to vent and be safe. People can and do change. E has remarried, has another child and has held a steady job for a few years now. Something he did not do/have when we were together. I really hope he has changed for his wife and daughter's sake.

Frustration is a good word to describe how I feel about the whole situation. Unless you have been through it you can't see the hurt that is felt. I look into my son's eyes and I see the hurt and the why when E is mentioned. Dylan doesn't understand why he has never received a birthday or Christmas card. Why hasn't E tried to just let Dylan know that he does care about him. Dylan is such an amazing kid. He is my rock. He is a good big brother. He takes so much from his sister and now little brother with very little complaint. He takes such good care of me. He knows I am sick and he tries to help out around the house without being asked. He is a good student and very well liked by everyone. He attends the school I work at and not a day goes by that a fellow co-worker doesn't come to me and tell me how much they adore him. Who wouldn't want that for a son? Who could deny all that pureness, that goodness? That is why this is so hard for me. I see this amazing little boy and it kills me to think someone could hurt him. Our family has suffered the ultimate heartbreak and we are doing everything we can to survive and grow from losing Juanito. Again unless you have lost a child, you have no idea the heartbreak that accompanies that loss. I am on the defensive right now. I have to protect what I do have and I can't allow anyone to come into our lives and cause MY CHILD anymore heartache!!! Dylan has been through so much, he doesn't deserve anymore. Something that many do not know is Our daughter, Adriana has been a very sick little girl. She has had 27 hospitalization, 100's of ER visits, several surgeries, and many lost days due to home treatments. I also spent 10 weeks on bed rest during her pregnancy. Through all of this Dylan was shuffled around like a little puppy. He was so good through it all. He always bounced back and never gave us a moments trouble. That is the kind of boy E has given up. He walked away from the best thing he could have ever had in his life. And it is so hard to understand why. Nobody but me will ever know the hurt and heartache that Dylan and I have felt. Not even my husband can understand what we have been through. We are and always have been a team. I love him more than words can say. He is such an amazing person.

This is my little man! I love you more than words can say bud. I will fight for you till my last breath!!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What am I getting myself in to?

. My oldest son is adopted by my husband. I had him when I was 17. I was with his biological father (will call him E) for 4 years. I truly loved him and I thought we would be together forever. Well he made decisions that I did not approve of for our son and ultimately he cheated on me with more than one person. I was so young and nieve that I didn't see the signs. I just knew that I loved him and we could make it work. On top of that I had fallen head over heals in love with his family. They were so good to me and treated me like I had always been a part of their family. They were always so quick to help out with Dylan and they always took my side if E and I had a fight or were arguing over something. Well in the end I made the toughest decision of my life, well next to deciding to keep my son rather than place him for adoption, and I left. I cut most of the ties with my new family and I became a single mom. I managed to graduate college as a single mom and raise Dylan with little or no help from E. Child Support was scarce and I lived the best I could. During that time I had to have help from the government just to survive. Then I met Juan.........
Juan took to Dylan immediately and it was almost love at first sight. A few months after we were married Juan and I ran into E at the park. E tried to grab Dylan from his stroller and walk off with him while saying a few choice words at me. When Juan stepped in and said he had no right to treat me with disrespect. E responded with I had her first I can treat her however I want. Juan knew he couldn't say much about Dylan at that point, but I was HIS wife and no one was going to disrespect me. He put an end to it quickly. Juan lost all respect for E that day. About 4 years after Juan and I had been married E decided to terminate his rights. E hadn't hardly seen Dylan in that time and he was in a very bad place in his life. He made the most selfless act he had ever done and I can't even explain how that made me feel. Well about 6 months later Juan was able to adopt Dylan and I never had to worry again about my family being torn apart again. (Wow I am shaking so hard right now as I write this.) We have been one big happy family only having to worry about our own problems and needs. We knew we would never have to worry about sharing Dylan again.
Fast forward a few years. While celebrating the 4th of July with my family we were wondering the park and the kids were off playing games when we run into E and his new wife. He asks for Dylan and all I can say is he is with his cousin. Juan was furious at me. He felt like I needed to tell E off. E no longer had the right to ask for Dylan. He choose to give those up. Juan's protectiveness came full force and we just had to leave. We let E ruin a perfectly wonderful day yet again. Well we have run into E and his family a handful of times since. I still love his family very much. We have had 1 visitation with them a few years ago when E's parents came up from Mexico. I just adore his parents and I would do anything to give them and Dylan the opportunity to know each other. That went well. I felt kind of awkward, but I think that is to be expected. E was not there while I visited with his parents, so that helped. Before I get to the point of this blog I have to add that through all of this E has only once been the one to try and set up visitations. Every other time it was his brother or his aunts. E never put forth effort to see Dylan, but he was really good at making excuses.
Ok fast forward another few years and I suddenly get e message on myspace. It was E's wife. Not E, his wife! She wanted to be my friend so they could see Pictures of Dylan. I figured if I was in their position I would want to see pictures of my son too, so I agreed. She contacted me several times over the next few months but she started asking if they could see Dylan and at one point she contacted Dylan directly. That really upset Dylan. I started feeling very uncomfortable at that point. It was so hard to even know what to do. I prayed really hard and had not felt a strong feeling either way. So I decided to ask Juan. He immediately said No. Well that answered everything. So I just let things be. I kept getting messages here and there asking how Dylan was and how our family was. I would reply. I am not a mean person and I can't be rude to people. If I feel like they genuinely care I will be nice regardless of who they are.
Well a few weeks ago I got one of those messages and in it she told me that E's mom would be coming to visit in April and she would really like to see Dylan. Talk about having the air knocked out of you. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I really wanted Dylan to see her, but that meant possibly having to see E and I was not sure Dylan was ready for that yet. I have been racking my brains on how I could arrange a meeting with grandma without having to see E and his wife, but there is no way around it. Since I have become more open and even talked to Dylan about it. Dylan would like to meet his Grandma and his half sister. He said he was very nervous about seeing E again and he did not want to meet E's wife. I respect that. Dylan is 12 years old and for the most part old enough to make these decisions. About 2 days ago I got a message that Grandma had arrived and she really wanted to see Dylan. Well there's another punch to the stomach. I was hoping I would have a little bit more time.
So yesterday when Juan got home I approched him. He was not happy, but he was willing to listen. He agrees that it is not grandmas fault, but he does not like the idea. I told him that Dylan was curious and I felt strongly that we needed to allow him the chance to see how he feels about it. So here I am freaking out because they are coming over tomorrow. E is respecting Dylan's feelings and not bringing his wife. I am so worried for my baby boy. As far as I got I love E for the wonderful gift he gave me, but that is were it ends. I am madly in love with Juan and we are happy. That is something I didn't get with E. I am perfectly fine from my stand point, but I am a wreck when it comes to Dylan. I don't want him to get hurt again. He is at such a hard age anyway. He is trying to discover himself and find the person he is going to be. He just doesn't need E coming back into his life only to hurt him again. I'm scared that Dylan will be left broken.
I also know E wants to talk to Juan and see if they can work things out. I don't think Juan will be very receptive and I worry about what will happen. Juan is finally grieving the loss of his son and he has said to me a few times he is worried he will hurt someone if they make him mad enough. He has a lot of built up anger and I worry he might release it all at once. I sure hope not. He is on antidepressants and he says that he is feeling better, so I will pray hard tonight that Juan can stay in control.
I am just so confused right now. By law E has not rights to Dylan, but Dylan is getting to the age where he can choose what he wants and he wants to see his sister and grandma. I can't completely deny that from him. I would be telling Dylan that his wants and needs are not important to me. So I will allow them to come tomorrow and pray that things work out the way they are supposed to. Who knows, maybe all Dylan needs is to see them once and his needs will be satisfied, but I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy.

OK there I put it out there for my friends and support to read. I am scared of what comments it may bring, but I am open to any and all suggestions. Anyone who has been in this type of situation or had a family member, what worked? I just don't know what to do!!!

**UDATE**
During this lOOONG post I forgot to add that my husband never knew his dad and he has no desire to either, but he does ask from time to time how many brothers/sisters he has. So he really does understand what Dylan is going through and what he will go through. The difference is that Dylan does have a wonderful dad who couldn't love him more!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's going to be at least another 8 weeks....

before we can start trying for our rainbow baby. I went to my post-op appointment today. I was hoping to schedule my surgery on my other ear today, but the doctor said although my left ear is healing perfectly and there are no signs of any infection, I have to wait 6-8 weeks to have the other side done. He wants tot make sure that my hearing was not affected. I understand that, but he needs to understand how desperate I am! He has no idea the emptiness I feel and how badly I want to start trying again. He just doesn't get it! So what am I doing.......... I'm sitting in bed torturing myself by watching women have babies on the Discovery Channel. I've decided today is a good day for a pity-party.

Finally the rest of the easter eggs

Finally the rest of the eggs!!!! I think the memory card I had in my camera went bad, so I re-took the pics that wouldn't upload and add a few names. If you know someone who has lost an angel and their name is on one of the eggs PLEASE send then here. I want them to have this little gift from me!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter and you were able to find peace in your heart knowing that one day you will have the chance to hold your little one again. God is good!