I am the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of 4 beautiful children here on earth and a sweet little angel in Heaven. Our lives haven't been easy, but I am so thankful for all of my many life experiences. They have helped me to learn, grow and become the person I am today!
I love to scrapbook. I always have. It is a hobby that I started when I had Dylan. I wanted to remember everything about my kids while they were growing up. Well I've been a slacker and fallen really far behind, but I am determined to get caught up!!! Tonight I was working on Mitch's book. the very first page in each child's book is their hospital portrait then their delivery and finally their first bath. It is so much fun to look at these pages and remember the feelings associated with them. I love it, but I have a problem. I don't have a first hospital picture, delivery pictures or first bath pictures of Juanito. I have no happy memories of his birth. I was too devastated by his death. Granted I appreciate every moment we had with him and I loved admiring his tiny little features, but it wasn't happy like my others. All I have are a few pictures, hand & foot prints, name cards and certificates. Juanito's book is not going to consist of memories, but rather thoughts. People thinking of him and our family and writing his name or sending a cards. Pictures of his name are all I have to share of him. I am so glad to have them and so thankful of the many friends and strangers out there who have taken a moment of their time to think of my son. You guys are my heros!!! But deep down inside that is not enough! I want all the memories I will never have with him to scrapbook. I want to be able to laugh and smile as I remember his face or his reaction to a particular situation. I want to be able to show off his book the same way I do the others, but instead I will have a memorial book to honor him by. People will look at it and feel sorry for us. They will tell us how beautiful the pages are and how thoughtful people are to send us the pictures of his name. That is all I will have for my beautiful Angel.
How many you you have a hard time being happy for someone who announces that they are pregnant? Well I will admit that I do. I have had several people in my life announce that they are expecting lately. Some of them fellow babyloss moms and some not, but the one thing is that I can't feel that joy that I used to feel for pregnant women. If they are a BL mom I worry for them and pray that they get their rainbow baby, so that they can have a calm in their storm. If they are not I pray that they do not have to feel or know this heartache. I can't feel excited for them or overjoyed like I used to. I am glad that they are expecting and I am hopeful that things will work out, but I do not feel like I did before I lost my baby! I hope this all makes sense. It is not that I am heartless or jealous. It's just that everyday I live the reality of what can happen to that beautiful bliss when something goes terribly wrong! I know what it feels like when your hopes and dreams are shattered into a million pieces and there is no hope of being able to piece them back together. I know what it feels like to lose a baby!!! I wish I could put my feelings into words, but this is the best I can do and it doesn't even begin to touch it. I live everyday hoping to find a glimmer of happiness to replace the sorrow my heart feels for my sweet baby. I just hope that someday this pain will ease and I can once again feel happy and hopeful for those around me as they plan and prepare for the most wonderful adventure of their life.
Baby bird I miss you so much! I can't believe just 7 more days and it will have been 6 months since I held you. Six months since all my hopes and dreams for you were put on hold. Six months since I started a new reality that has caused me to open my eyes and see the world for what it really is. I love you more than words can express. You will always have a place in my heart baby boy!!!!
I honestly don't know what is wrong with today, but it has been such a horrible day for so many of my BL friends. I wish I could change it for all of us! Well my day has been horrible and I hate feeling like this. Juan announced that he doesn't want any more babies. I am praying that he is just having a bad day too, but part of me can't help but to believe him. I have dealt with all these stupid hormones associated with Clomid for what? A chance NOT to try this month. Oh I am so mad, hurt and tired right now. Why can't I just have my baby back? Why did he have to be taken from me. I really am not that strong. I honestly think God made a mistake when he chose me to be the mother of a perfect angel. Well, and if he didn't, I sure could use a little more help from him right now. I feel so alone. When will this all end???
I have been so excited about the possibility of having another baby and Juan has even decided it is time to TTC. The last couple of months I have used OPKs and I found out that I am not ovulating, so I spoke with my doctor and he decided to try Clomid for a few months. Tomorrow is my last day of taking Clomid and on Saturday we are supposed to start DTD every other day (I know TMI.) Can I just say I have become so scared! I have become teary-eyed just admitting it. I have such a desire to have another baby to love and hold. Well and I know a Rainbow would help to bring closure to my loss of Juanito. A Rainbow could never replace my sweet angel, but it would help to heal the guilt I have in failing my son. Not being able to keep him safe while he was forming and growing inside me. But regardless of how badly I want a Rainbow I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it! I'm so scared of losing another one. I have an amazingly strong friend who just lost her 3rd baby boy and I just don't know if I am as strong as her. Am I being selfish? Should I just thank God for the 3 amazing miracles he has given me and move on with life? Do I try and if I get pregnant what? Can I keep a future baby safe? What will I do if I lose another one? Have I pushed to hard? I have all these questions running through my head and I can't seem to rationalize an answer to any. I am so scared and I need strength!!! God please help me to find strength and answers. Please help me to find peace in my heart. Please help me to to stay strong for both my family and a possible future Rainbow.
We are in the process of ordering Juanito's headstone and we are not sure what to put for his name. I have added a poll on the right hand side of my blog and I will leave it open for awhile. What would you do?
Juan (Juanito) Ramirez
I hate not being able to make decisions! I used to be really good at it, but now I am afraid that I am going to make the wrong decision. So I would greatly appreciate some advice!!!
****The Poll was being retarded, so I removed it. I will try and fix it tomorrow sometime. Just leave me a comment PLEASE!!!