Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Has losing Juanito changed you as a teacher ? What grade do you teach ?
Caroline, last year was really rough on me. I came back to my 3rd graders just 2 short weeks after I lost him and to be honest I was not ready. I had a team of teachers who were very willing to help out with lesson plans and it was just easier work wise to come back. I was very withdrawn and down. To make things worse we had some teachers who were making the whole school miserable. I developed a very bad depression and I am sure my students could tell. Fortunately I had the most amazing class last year and I absolutely loved them. They stepped up and took care of me. They knew I was hurting and their behavior in class became amazing! They tried harder and they wanted to please me. In a way they saved me. They distracted me enough that I was able to make it through each day. This year on the other hand is a rough group of kids. The socio-economic situation of the majority of my students is very low and so they need extra love and attention. I am more willing to do that for these kids. I have realized that it does not matter if they are not my own children God has sent them to be in my class for a reason and I am going to try and make a difference in their lives. Even if it is just one day and one small difference. So I guess Juanito's loss has made me a more caring person. He gave me something that I did not have before. He is such a special little guy and he definitely has made a huge difference in my life.
Thanks for the question!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Are there certain ways that you choose to honor and remember Juanito that are special to you or unique to you?
Celia I honest don't know if they are unique, but they are important to me. One of the biggest things I have decided and this has been within the last couple of months is that I am not going to worry about talking about him with people. I bring him up in conversations and if someone asks about my children I make sure to include him, even if it is just to say I have an angel in Heaven. I have chosen to honor him by talking about him. It don't care if they know me or not.
Another thing we have done is we have things that remind us about him throughout the house. We have his memorial plaque in a pot with a beautiful plant and his grave flowers in our living room. We have his name portraits hung in special rooms in our house. I keep his memory box on a shelf that we see everyday. My laptop wallpaper is a picture of us at the cemetery with him.
I don't know if this was the answer you were looking for, but I think I am your typical BLM and I do whatever I can to remember him and keep his memories alive. My biggest fear is that someday I will forget. I don't want this pain to ease because that might mean I will lose him. If that makes sense.
Monday, September 20, 2010
What things throughout your everyday life remind you of your sweet boy?
This is kind of a hard one to put into words for me, but I'm going to do my best! Juan and I hung up 2 very special name portraits of Juanito's name in our bedroom. One is made by you Fran from Jenna's alphabet (I have it laid out across the top of my blog under my header, but the one on our wall is on canvas and looks amazing!!!) and the other was painted by Stephanie ( you can see a picture of it in her gallery.) Every morning I wake up to those 2 portraits and he is the first thing that I think about. I have loved having him there with us as we sleep. It is nice to know that my little angel is watching over me every night. Often times any little green creature ( green birds, green butterflies, green dragonflies, green bugs) will make me think of my boy too. I think he probably would have loved bugs and gross things. He would have caught them in mason jars and brought them in to show me. I'm sure he would have also scared the crap out of me on occasion with the hiding of these "green things" in places we should not keep them too. Other things that make me think about all of my boys are stick horses and little boys in cowboy hats. My hubby is a modern cowboy and he loves to dress his boys in hats and boots. I know without a doubt that Juanito would have been one too. Whenever I see little ones dressed up I can't help but wonder what he would have looked like. I'm sure he would have been just as handsome as my other boys in the house. In fact his memory box has a little cowboy hat on a wooden stick horse burnt into the lid. These are all very pleasant to me an I just love to see them. Of course the occasional surprise of someone writing his name is a lot of fun too.
There are also different things that bug or upset me when they happen in everyday life. We have a few acquaintances that call my husband Juanito and I hate it!!! He is not Juanito! He is Juan. I have told them time and time again that Juanito is our son not my husband but they just don't get it. I have chosen to stay away from them for the time being. I also hate when people tell me that we should have named out 3rd son Juan or call him Juanito because he looks like his daddy. Yes my 3rd looks identical to his dad when his dad was a boy only in light skin, but he is named after his dad. They have the same middle name, which happens to be a family name. But we do have a son named Juanito after his daddy. He just isn't here for you to look at and admire. He's not with us to hear all the comparisons to his big brothers and daddy. He is not going to get that recognition like is big brothers and sister do. I know that none of these people are doing it to hurt us, but it is a very hurtful reminder every time it happens. We only have ONE Juanito in our family and he is very special to us.
Friday, September 17, 2010
In the Mexican culture or at least where my husband is from they are really big with naming children after their parents. Juan (my husband) had always said he wanted to name a son after him. The only problem is that Juan is an extremely common name and our last name is probably just as common. We have had so many problems with the mix-up of identification since we were married that I absolutely refused to do that to my children. Juan was accused of owing the state of Utah several grand for drug possesion charges that were never paid and we had to go to court and have his finger prints taken (which he has to carry with him at all times in case he was ever to be pulled over) just to prove it was not him. We have vehicle registrations from all over the state sent to our house of vehicles we do not own. He has had bill collectors harass him for past due accounts which were not his. Anyway I'm sure you get the picture. So when we found out that our 3rd was a boy I REFUSED to give him the first name of Juan. We did give him Juan's middle name though. After I got pregnant with Juanito Juan started teasing me again that this one was going to be Juan or Juana. Of course I laughed him off and said we will find a name to agree on. We did not know Juanito was a boy until I delivered him. We hadn't even really discussed names. Then one of the nurses from the night shift told us she wanted to make a crib card and name card for us. She asked if we had a name. I just looked over at Juan and said I want to name him after his daddy. So all the paperwork they gave us in the hospital says Juan. I felt it was perfect, but we had a problem. Every time we tried to talk about the baby and we said Juan our other kids were confused and thought we were talking about their dad, so we started to say Little Juan. Then one day one of us said Juanito which is Little Juan in Spanish. It just seemed to fit and that is what he has been known as ever since.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My favorite place to vacation is Mexico. I love it there. I have visited Cancun, Mexico City, and most of the state Jalisco. My husband is from a small town called Cofradia de la luz. It is about 2 hours outside of Guadalajara. I love to go down and just hang out with family and friends. Well and going to news places is pretty fun too.
I have a tradition with my kids that just before their 2nd birthday I take them down to meet the family. Once they turn 2 you have to pay for 2 plane tickets you know....LOL! It is just us 2 out to have a good time and bond with Juan's family. We would have had small family vacations before hand, camping trips, over nighters, weekends with my family, but Juanito's very first big vacation would have been to go to Mexico with his mommy. It's hard to think we won't be able to do that, but next time I go I will take a piece of him with me and leave it there, so he can always be a part of that special trip with me.
Thanks Ann for the question. It was a very good one!!!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I found a website that makes real life babies for babyloss moms. The price depends on the kits you use, but she is so willing to work with you. I want one! I know that Juanito wasn't far enough along to be able to make an exact replica of him, but all of my kids have been very similar in size and characteristics. The only difference was Mitch came out as my white boy. I want to send in newborn pics of my other kids and have a baby made in memory of Juanito. Am I going crazy? Is it weird that I want to try and crate a doll that I think would have looked like him? I just want to be able to hold a baby in my arms and know that this is what he could've/would've looked like. Maybe it's going a little too far, but I still want one. What do you as fellow babyloss moms think? Am I going too far? Is it morbid of me? Am I crazy... OK don't answer that one because I already know the answer...LOL
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
This might sound horrible, but do any of you ever just want to move on because you are just so emotionally exhausted? That is how I am feeling today. I feel very lost with where I am at these days. I don't feel like I belong to any one group any more and that is very confusing! I just want to move on and not have to worry about anything or have to be the voice for my son who died, so people will remember him. I just want to move on from all these bad things that have happened to me and "forget" them. I know I can never forget my son or the short time I had with him. I love him too much for that, but today I just want to move on!