Thursday, June 7, 2012

It's been awhile...

It has been way too long since I have written a post for my baby boy. There have been so many times that I wanted to come on and just write, but I either couldn't find the right words or something else would come up and I would just tell myself I would do it later. Well here I am 17 months later writing again. Not because I found the time, but because I need to write again. I need to write in honor of my baby boy.

Unfortunately, my family has suffered another loss. Just 5 days ago my niece, Taylor, welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. He only stayed here for a little over 3 hours before returning back to Heaven. I am just heartbroken for her. I know all the many trials she is going to face for the rest of her life. She is just so young to have to go through this kind of heartache. I partially blame myself for not being a bigger advocate for her. She had many pregnancy related health issues and I wish I would have pushed harder for her to seek different medical treatment. I wish I would have pushed harder for her to have delivered at a different hospital better equipped for high risk pregnancies. I wish I would have stepped in and demanded more, but I didn't and for that I blame myself.

Once Tate was pronounced dead my baby loss instincts took over and I began making arrangements for Tay to make every memory possible with Tate before she had to say her final goodbye. It was easy for me to take that step back and play that roll. I was able to keep my emotions in control because I had a job to do. I called NILMDTS and arranged pictures. I helped do hand/foot molds. I did hand and feet prints. I wrapped Tate up and tried to explain things to his mommy. I took pictures and answered questions. I made food arrangements and played the "bouncer." I just kept myself busy! It was easier to stay busy than to let the emotions take over. I was able to do it right up until I had to come home.

Tonight, however is different. I am home unable to sleep and all those emotions from when I lost my baby boy have crept in. I know people will say I can't allow Taylor's loss to become my loss. How can I not? My family and especially Taylor and I are very close. We had so many plans made for when Tate was here. He was going to be "my" boy just like my Mitch is Tay's boy. I just hurt so bad because I understand what Tay is going to go through. I know all the heartache she is experiencing. Tate's death has brought back so much from Juanito's death. Well and even more. I now have even more regrets from Juanito's death. I helped Taylor do things that I wish I would have done with my son. I feel like I am living in Hell right now. I just hope I am able to work through it all quicker this time.

Wishing things could be different. I love you and miss you baby boy. Give Tate a tight squeeze and let him know how much he is loved!