Juanito's Story

      I was a single mom of my sweet son Dylan when I met Juan. I never worried a minute that they wouldn't hit it off. They became best friends almost instantly. Since Dylan was almost 3 when we got married we decided to stat trying right away. My pregnancy with Dylan had been very uneventful and that is what I expected with my next one. I became pregnant immediately with our daughter Adriana and we were so excited to be adding to our little family. Our excitement was short lived though. When I went in for my 20 week appointment, we found out that I had low amniotic fluid and she was not growing properly. I was ordered to strict bed rest. Her pregnancy from that point on was a nightmare. However, with my wonderful doctors and the Lord's help, I made it to 36 weeks. She was only 17 inches long, but healthy! Little did we know that the worst had yet to begin. When Adriana hit 7 months old she started having problems with her breathing and regulating her oxygen levels. Within a 4 year time period she had 100's of ER visits, 27 hospitalizations, 5 surgeries, feeding tubes, and still no clear diagnosis. I just know it all steams back to the low fluid during her pregnancy. She has since outgrown the condition almost completely. It took us 5 years to get up the courage to try again. Mitch's pregnancy was a piece of cake. Other than some preterm labor it was pretty uneventful. I was induced 3 weeks early because they found that my fluid had dropped, but he has been very healthy ever since. When Mitch turned 1 I decided it was time to add one more to our family. Juan was not as convinced as I was and it took me a whole year to get him on board. We were able to get pregnant fairly easily. We had planned it perfectly. I would be able to teach pretty much the whole year and only have to take off the last month of school. I would get to have the whole summer with the baby and it would be 4 months old before I had to return to work. Things couldn't have been planned better. About 6 weeks into the pregnancy I got pretty bad morning sickness that lasted all day and on top of that I was exhausted. I had never been this sick with my other pregnancies, but I took it as a good sign that everything was ok. At 13 weeks they found a significant subchorionic hemorrhage. They baby at that point was fine. They reassured me that everything would resolve itself and I could go on to delivery a happy healthy baby. I went in a week later and they found that my fluid had dropped, so they decided to send me to a perinatologist. On December 1st we had our appointment. Everything looked great. The bleed had resolved itself and my fluid was back to normal. They scheduled me to come back in January because of my history and they wanted to follow me closely. We were so excited and ready to chill out and enjoy the holiday season. The Monday before Christmas I had another ultrasound scheduled. Juan decided to come with me because we were hoping to find out the sex of the baby. Well the baby didn't cooperate and on top of that my fluid was low again. The tech was so sweet and told me to come back on the 28th during her lunch break and she would see if she could get a better look at the sex.
      On Christmas night I was having some really bad pains on my lower left side. I figured that I had overdone it and I tried to relax and soak in a warm bath. The pains lasted the majority of the night and I was not able to sleep. By the next morning they had lessened and I chalked them up to stretching ligaments.
      On Monday I got up feeling pretty good. I was so excited to be able to find out the sex of the baby. Juan wasn't able to take the day off, so I decided that I would surprise him with a little gift when he got home. I knew immediately when the tech started the ultrasound there was something wrong. I had no fluid and the baby was not active like he normally was. It was quickly confirmed that he had passed away. The tech checked 5 times but couldn't find a heartbeat. I was all alone and felt as if my world had come to an end. It still took me almost 2 hours to get hold of Juan to tell him that the baby had passed. That day was kind of a dream for both of us or should I say nightmare. We told the kids as soon as Juan got home from work. Dylan took it pretty hard. He is my sensitive boy. Adriana was a little confused at what was happening. It hit her when I came home without a baby. I think both of the older kids were hoping that it was a mistake and I would come home to tell them everything was ok. Poor little Mitch just started crying because everyone else was and he thought the doctor had hurt me. I'm so glad that I I had these three beautiful kids to come home to. They have helped both Juan and I to heal quicker and distract us from times that could be harder. My mom came up to help support both Juan and I and to stay with the kids when my mother-in-law had to go to work. I am so thankful she did. It is always a blessing to have my mom here to help me through the difficult times. I also had my bishop and his first counsilor come over and give me a beautiful blessing. Afterwards I felt so much more at peace and I knew I would have the strength to get through this. I also slept very soundly through the night and woke up rested and still at peace. 
     At 6:30a.m. on Dec. 29th Juan accompanied me to Orem Community Hospital to be induced. I had a wonderful nurse named Jill who took amazing care of me and was so patient to answer all my questions. The actual induction didn't start until 8:00a.m and I opted to get an epidural very quickly hoping to feel as little pain as possible. At 12:30p.m. my water suddenly broke and our beautiful angel baby boy was born sleeping on his own. He was absolutely perfect measuring about 8 inches. We decided to name him Juan after his daddy. 

    An hour after he was born I began to hemorrhage because the placenta did not want to break loose. My doctor tried to work on me in the room, but to no avail and I had to be taken back for a D&C. I came out of surgery feeling like I had been used as a punching bag. My whole body was so sore and my stomach was black and blue.  Just after I returned from surgery an amazing woman named Melanie from a group called Common Bonds came in and did plaster molds and prints of both his hands and feet. She dressed him and took some pictures of him for us to have along with giving us some other little keepsakes. I am so thankful to have these things to remember our son by.
     A few weeks after I delivered Juanito we received pathology results from the placenta. It showed that there was evidence of a second hemorrhage. I now know with my all my heart that the pain I felt Christmas night was actually the placenta tearing away from the wall of my uterus. Our son was sent back to live with our Savior the night we celebrate the birth of Christ. I feel very lucky for being able to get some answers. I found out the actual cause of death which most women who loose their babies do not. Beside finding out a cause I know this little angel was too perfect to have to come to this earth and endure the many trials we face on a daily basis. He was given his body and then returned to be with our Heavenly Father. He had already proven himself and was truly a perfect spirit. 


Four weeks after we lost Juanito I had to go in and have surgery on my ears. I have battled with ear infections all my life, but the past few years they have gotten worse. I have had mastoiditis, which is infection in the bone behind the ear, twice in about 6 months time. Once right be fore I became pregnant with Juanito and again about a month after I lost him. Each time I had to do IV therapy for 2 weeks and then oral antibiotics for 6 weeks. After the surgery while I was in the recovery room I felt someone holding my hand. At first I thought it was my recovery nurse trying to arouse me, but as I was coming more to I looked over and saw a little boy sitting by the side of my bed. I felt very comforted by his presence. I don't remember much about his features other than he was darker complected like my older 2 kids. I know with all my heart that it was my little angel letting me know that he was alright and that we were going to be OK. It was the little "thing" I had been waiting for those past few weeks. I had been left feeling very lost and questioning life as we know it. I didn't understand why God would let something like this happen to a family. It had been a very dark time in my life. I know that Juanito didn't want that for me or his family. 

I wasn't sure if I should share my experience or not, but in the end I decided to . My followers are my family and I love each and everyone of you. I know that some of you may think that I was imagining it all and that's OK. You are entitled to your own thoughts and beliefs. I, however, feel like the Lord does mysterious things to help those who are grieving and he knew I needed this. I now know without a doubt I have a guardian angel who will always be close to me and help me through the trials I will experience here on earth.

I love you baby boy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and pray for you. Know that mommy and daddy love you and miss you. Thank you for all you have taught us. Not only did you bring our family closer together, but you taught us humility, strength , faith, courage and how to focus on what we have here with us right now. I know that someday I will be able to hold you in my arms and have all eternity to spend with you. Know that your brothers and sister love you and have you in their hearts. You gave our family what they needed to cherish every moment!
We Love You Our Sweet Angel!



  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Juanito.
    I dont know why i didnt found your blog earlier but i am happy that i now have.
    It is so nice when they show us that they are with us. Eli and Jett let me know that they were here a few days after they were born, on a day that i was really struggling and it made me realise that they are ok and helped me to realise that i had gained more then i had lost.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss as well. We lost our baby girl Preslie at 41 weeks. We think about her everyday, and know we will see her again. Peace to you and your family!


  3. SO beautifully written. So sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. We lost our sweet Joshua this past July. It has been difficult on my older children as well. God bless you. Thanks

  4. Dear Michelle,

    I am so sorry for the lost of your sweet little boy. My heart ached for you as I read Juanito's story. He is such a special baby, and I can tell how much you and Juan love him. Thank you for sharing him with us and for sharing the moment you had in his presence in the recovery room. I believe he was there with you.

    I would love to join you in remembering your baby boy on his Heavenly birthday, and was wondering which day you consider as his birthdate? Christmas or the 29th?

    Hugs to you.

  5. Michelle,
    I came across your blog, we lost our little girl in Dec 09 as well, miscarriage due to massive fibroid. I go in on Wednesday for suregery..then maybe we can try as well for a rainbow baby.I hope all is well. Take care.
    Your angel Jaunito is smiling down on you all.
    Take care, CarrieAnn, mommy to angel Abby Lynn.

  6. Hi Michelle,
    I just received your comment on my blog.
    I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel boy. It is so heartbreaking to me that babies die! I am hoping for your rainbow baby soon!

    You asked where we were in Utah...and the pictures in that blog entry were taken at Little Mountain up Parley's/Emigration Canyons in Salt Lake City.

    My best to you,

  7. While reading this I cried the entire time. What an amazing experience you had. I know with all my heart that it was Juanito next to you that day. Have you read my book yet? There is some crazy miracles that happened to me that I wrote about. It helped me know how close our loved ones are on the other side. A dear friend of mine lost her father while she was just a child. Her stake president told her something that has always stuck with me. He said,"your father can do things for you on the other side that he couldn't do for you here. He could do so much more for you as a "guardian angle." I know this will be true for your son. Love ya! Haley.

  8. Michelle-

    How do you do it? How do you go on each day? I am struggling with that. We lost our first baby girl on our 5th wedding aniversary. She only lived 14 hours. I though I had learned everything with our first loss. Our second baby girl was born 6 and a half weeks early. She was in the NICU 4 months and in and out of hospitals for the short 15 months of her life. She passed away in June. I miss her so much. Both my daughters were born with a birth defect. CDH Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. Our first daughter with it was a fluke. only 2% chance of it happening again. All I have ever wanted in this life is to rase my children. I wish I could have a miracle like yours. That I could see my girls again,

  9. I found your blog through the bible study group. So glad to connect to you. Sorry about your loss of Juanito.